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Sexual Assault 1 Year On Is It Normal

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numb87

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Hi everyone.

I'm new on here so not sure where to post this or how this all works.

I was a victim of a violent stranger rape in may last year and I have no memory of the event as I was blacked out drunk to this day I do not know my rapist.

It was reported and was due to go to court. In January of this year I decided to pull out of court proceedings as I couldn't handle the ordeal.

I also started to feel guilty towards the rapist as he was 19 and I am 27. I hoped he made an a bad decision due to his age. And blame myself for the whole thing.

I had some time of work when it first happened it was all over the news etc. I decided to go back to work 2 weeks later.

4 weeks later I was dumped by my current boyfriend. He had been my main support for the first 4 weeks. I hadn't come to terms with anything at that stage I hasn't cried.

When he left I had a complete breakdown and had more time off work.

I then threw myself into sport for the next 6 months going to the gym and diet. I was painfully thin.

I didn't drink after the event. But after 6 months obsessing over the gym I started drinking and dating and Tring to get on with my life.

I can only describe it as being numb. Not talking about the event just referring to it as "last year"

Recently I have been smoking weed and not thinking about it but still going to work etc.

I went to a theropist as I had a random cry one evening in my car for no reason.

I went to see a CBT theropist and he identified that I am superssing the event which is why I feel numb and he has referred me to a counsellor instead.

What I find weird is I was doing really well. Feels like one step forward 5 back???

I cried a lot when I saw the theropist. That heart renching crying when u start to feel panicy.

I have felt emotional and can feel myself blocking off thoughts.

Is this normal I feel like I should be over it by now
 
Yes it's absolutely normal, and healthy that you are feeling like crying and going to a therapist.

Sometimes it kind of has to be blocked out for a little while to enable you to deal with the aftermath of reporting, or work or relationships, or people asking if you're ok all the time. It can take a while to find the right time in your life to begin dealing with the actual trauma itself. And you are beginning to do that now the time is right for you.

So well done for taking that step, and yes, yes, yes, you are perfectly normal.
 
Yes, completely normal. Sounds like you've blocked it all out. Blocking does not = healing. All of that bad stuff is still inside of you, just repressed. Now it is coming out. There is no timeline for healing. Some people heal quicker than others. And despite popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. Some people come out decades, even half a century later about a previous trauma that they managed to repress.
 
Yes, what you're describing is completely normal. Don't be so hard on yourself. Processing trauma takes time and you never truly 'get over it'. What you experienced was vile and horrific..and it takes time for the mind and the body to come to terms with what you endured. It is good that you saw a therapist and it is vital that you stick with it. Therapy will help you pick up the pieces and move forward. It may seem easier to just run away and numb the pain..but, trust me, there's nowhere to hide. And eventually you just get tired of running..I had to learn that the hard way..good luck and stay strong!
 
Ditto others on the normalcy. I blocked and numbed some things for years. Like you say, the break-up could be a tipping point. I've had a couple similar situations where something seemingly unrelated sense me backwards and into chaos. But in spite of that, like others have said, it takes time. I'm glad you sought support for yourself to work through this.
 
I think I am only so hard on myself because it no longer feels ok to not be ok.


My family and friends don't really let me talk about it anymore. It's not an easy thing for people to talk to me about so I just don't talk about it anymore. However I do reference the attack all the time by saying "last year" etc. I also find it difficult when I bump into people I haven't seen since the attack and I usually end up disclosing.

I sought after theopy as I don't want to keep over sharing and I don't want it to be the only thing in my life anymore.

I had had to deal with a lot in my life and I have always been strong enough to get through things on my own and quickly. Feels Un natural for it to be taken so long.

It's funny because when it happened people told me it could take a very long time to feel normal again and I didn't accept that and tried to fast track my recovery.

I told my dad yesterday I was seeing a theropist and it doesn't seem as though he understood he said "I thought you were ok."

Truth is I really pushed it to one side and tried to move on and it's following me around like a ball and chain.

I still don't get how bad it is which and pretend it could have been worse which is probably why I haven't given myself time to heal.

Seeking help felt like a big step forwards I just wasn't expecting it to be so hard I geuss.
 
I think I am only so hard on myself because it no longer feels ok to not be ok.
If someone else was still suffering a year after a violent rape, would you tell them it wasn't ok to not be ok by now? Something I think a lot of us here do time and time again is to make ourselves the exceptions to our own rules. I have no trouble extending empathy and tolerance to others but find it virtually impossible to extend the same to myself. I do try to check with myself though now how I'd react to someone else in my situation and whether I am really justified in making myself the exception.
 
I cannot speak specifically to rape, but there is a commonality among all victims of trauma that is in play here. When we have been traumatized we need to recognize that we will never return to the normal we enjoyed before the trauma. We now live with a new normal, and as lousy as that sounds; when we learn to accept our new normal, then we are able to move on.
 
New normal, that is such a great explanation @RussH. To be honest, someone who has not experienced trauma in their life often cannot understand how we can't just get over things. I don't think they mean harm, they just can't understand. Everyone heals in different ways and at different paces. I can tell you therapy is a tremendous help in healing, although it often gets worse before it gets better. You are moving forward in the right direction @numb87 . Please know it was not your fault, no matter what. Hugs to you if accepted. :hug:
 
Is this normal I feel like I should be over it by now
It will take a very long time to get over it, but it will stop dominating your life. That is one of the good things about therapy - when friends and family suffer compassion fatigue, the therapist is still there to listen. I like the idea of 'saving' thoughts of the bad times for the therapy session. Trying to push it away at other times but allowing yourself a set time to dwell on those thoughts with the support there in case it is overwhelming. I still need meds to help me sleep at night, but during the day time now I can choose whether or not to think about traumatic memories.

As you don't have full memories it is probably harder to know what is real in a blur of events. But that does not matter. You deserve to feel better, so be kind to yourself and give yourself a break.
 
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