Hi, very happy to find this forum, it has given me some answers but more questions.
First up my daughter was abused when she was 2 - 2.5yrs of age by her 13 yr old cousin, as far as I know she doesn't remember. I had suspected something and told my family who told me I was imaging things and my sister got very angry and argued with me about my suspicions. I continued to mind her son, but planned on moving away, feeling that there was something wrong. To this day I regret not acting on my suspicions as later my daughter told her Paternal Nan about the incidents, as much as she could at that age. I'll never forget the pain I felt after being told. The guards and social workers were involved. I moved with her to a different county for a fresh start, she went to play therapy and I kept to myself trying to deal with things discretely. She is now almost 21, should I tell her? She started having a few personal problems at 16, then went away (back 'home" to where so was born) to college at 17 but came back a few weeks before finishing the year with social anxiety and depression. She refused to talk to anyone. There is only the two of us and she went to an all girls school so there wasn't much interaction with guys. Now 2 years later, she's been diagnosed with ADD, but her social anxiety means I often have to go with her into shops etc. She's back in a local college now but if she is not early for class, so no-one turns to look who is coming in then she won't go in. She still refused to talk about her social anxiety with a professional, but is ok talking about ADD. So I can discretely ask her doctor to get her help under the pretext of helping with ADD and she might learn to open up to someone. Other than that she is a very positive, happy person. I don't want to add to her troubles and for her to feel like a victim, but maybe her earlier abuse has something to do with hr problems? She knows her cousin 'the abuser' but thinks the reason we didn't see him very often was because he was into drugs and stole things in his teens - the cover story. I asked a helpline and got mixed opinions as whether to tell my daughter at all and that this is coming up because I'm struggling with things at the moment. This is a big secret to live with and keep from the closest person in my life, more importantly I fear that knowing the truth willing negatively affect my daughter and her relationships with my family. She already feels quite alone in the world. Would you want to know?
To complicate things she is having her 21st soon, after much convincing to celebrate it and family are invited...(not sure if they will come)
Secondly, my Dad died suddenly in 2015 which trigger depression (3rd time in my life), I have been out of work for the last 7 months, trying to go back soon, it's been a very hard couple of years, I barely left the house which led to me having anxiety. I hadn't spoken to my Dad in a while, or many of my family. Previously, family relationships were one-sided with me doing far more than my share, and the occasional family dinners were so impersonal, no-one opening up. So before my daughter went to college - the end of her childhood, the start of me putting myself first - I started putting healthier boundaries in place and asking for open conversation about things, which led to my falling out with a few, including my Dad. So when he died it was a total shock. Counselling brought me back to childhood where my reaction to problems was to hide in the airing cupboard or leave the house and go to the fields with me dog. My parents split up after many fights etc. when I was 8. I have very few memories before I was 12. I played strip poker which led to boys lying on me etc. etc. when I was 11, with my brother and friends. I can remember the excitement knowing they were coming around, to see me! I was older than my brother, should I have known better, but his friends were older than me... anyway that same year I decided to ditch school for the day and headed home through the fields, a man ran at me, grabbed me and brought me to a clearing and tried to rape me (thankfully he was soft). I went home crying and hid in my room thinking God was punishing me for playing games with the boys. In my troubled teens I felt so guilty, loved the attention but I was afraid of commitment, so basically a bit of a slut.
Now after reading some of your stories, I'm wondering how those games started and is there something in my 10 yrs lost memories that led to it. I went to hypnotherapy a few years back but failed to "open the door" to the past and was advised to put it behind me, that it was either too painful or I wouldn't be able to cope. Family are no help as they are a bunch of ostriches.
First up my daughter was abused when she was 2 - 2.5yrs of age by her 13 yr old cousin, as far as I know she doesn't remember. I had suspected something and told my family who told me I was imaging things and my sister got very angry and argued with me about my suspicions. I continued to mind her son, but planned on moving away, feeling that there was something wrong. To this day I regret not acting on my suspicions as later my daughter told her Paternal Nan about the incidents, as much as she could at that age. I'll never forget the pain I felt after being told. The guards and social workers were involved. I moved with her to a different county for a fresh start, she went to play therapy and I kept to myself trying to deal with things discretely. She is now almost 21, should I tell her? She started having a few personal problems at 16, then went away (back 'home" to where so was born) to college at 17 but came back a few weeks before finishing the year with social anxiety and depression. She refused to talk to anyone. There is only the two of us and she went to an all girls school so there wasn't much interaction with guys. Now 2 years later, she's been diagnosed with ADD, but her social anxiety means I often have to go with her into shops etc. She's back in a local college now but if she is not early for class, so no-one turns to look who is coming in then she won't go in. She still refused to talk about her social anxiety with a professional, but is ok talking about ADD. So I can discretely ask her doctor to get her help under the pretext of helping with ADD and she might learn to open up to someone. Other than that she is a very positive, happy person. I don't want to add to her troubles and for her to feel like a victim, but maybe her earlier abuse has something to do with hr problems? She knows her cousin 'the abuser' but thinks the reason we didn't see him very often was because he was into drugs and stole things in his teens - the cover story. I asked a helpline and got mixed opinions as whether to tell my daughter at all and that this is coming up because I'm struggling with things at the moment. This is a big secret to live with and keep from the closest person in my life, more importantly I fear that knowing the truth willing negatively affect my daughter and her relationships with my family. She already feels quite alone in the world. Would you want to know?
To complicate things she is having her 21st soon, after much convincing to celebrate it and family are invited...(not sure if they will come)
Secondly, my Dad died suddenly in 2015 which trigger depression (3rd time in my life), I have been out of work for the last 7 months, trying to go back soon, it's been a very hard couple of years, I barely left the house which led to me having anxiety. I hadn't spoken to my Dad in a while, or many of my family. Previously, family relationships were one-sided with me doing far more than my share, and the occasional family dinners were so impersonal, no-one opening up. So before my daughter went to college - the end of her childhood, the start of me putting myself first - I started putting healthier boundaries in place and asking for open conversation about things, which led to my falling out with a few, including my Dad. So when he died it was a total shock. Counselling brought me back to childhood where my reaction to problems was to hide in the airing cupboard or leave the house and go to the fields with me dog. My parents split up after many fights etc. when I was 8. I have very few memories before I was 12. I played strip poker which led to boys lying on me etc. etc. when I was 11, with my brother and friends. I can remember the excitement knowing they were coming around, to see me! I was older than my brother, should I have known better, but his friends were older than me... anyway that same year I decided to ditch school for the day and headed home through the fields, a man ran at me, grabbed me and brought me to a clearing and tried to rape me (thankfully he was soft). I went home crying and hid in my room thinking God was punishing me for playing games with the boys. In my troubled teens I felt so guilty, loved the attention but I was afraid of commitment, so basically a bit of a slut.
Now after reading some of your stories, I'm wondering how those games started and is there something in my 10 yrs lost memories that led to it. I went to hypnotherapy a few years back but failed to "open the door" to the past and was advised to put it behind me, that it was either too painful or I wouldn't be able to cope. Family are no help as they are a bunch of ostriches.