Hi everyone, I am new here. In 2007 I was deployed to Afghanistan with the Canadian Army when I was 19 years old. I sought mental health help 7 or 8 years ago but deflected talking about my deployment and swore up and down that it didn't bother me. I told them I had anxiety, depression and trouble sleeping and everytime they tried to connect it to my deployment I said I had been like this for years before, which wasn't entirely true. I was worried about losing my job in the army. I went for a few months and then stopped going. I was involved in combat operations but not exposed to anything I considered overly traumatic. Nothing that made me freeze up or break down. I never saw a friend blown up beside me or anything like that. I was mortered, shot at and rocketed but I felt like I handled it very well. I was expecting shit like that to happen and mentally prepared for it. Here are some other incidents during my tour. I once had to dispose of personal equipment that belonged to two soldiers who were killed at a nearby FOB and blood/tiny bits of flesh were still present. A guy who I knew was killed in an IED blast that I could see from a little over a kilometer away but I only heard the blast, saw the cloud of smoke and heard the radio chatter. I didn't find out until the next day that I knew one of the men killed. He wasn't a close friend, but I knew him well enough to say hi whenever I bumped into him. We did a couple courses together. I think about those moments often. It bothers me that it bothers me because although I saw it and heard it, I wasn't right there in the thick of it like guys on scene were. I feel almost guilty that this incident bugs me when other guys had a much worse experience with the same incident. I also witnessed another IED strike that injured two of our soldiers. That one was right next to me. We had three different vehicle accident incidents. Two roll overs, one where we had to medevac two soldiers and a vehicle fire in which I was inside the AFV and had a bit of smoke inhalation. We were ambushed on one of our last convoys and to escape we drove through a known UXO field which in laymans terms is basically a minefield. Like I said, even though I was only 19, I felt like I prepared myself mentally for this stuff. I knew I was going to war. What I have found bothering me for the last 10 years isn't even so much thinking about those incidents. I will never be able to forget them, but what stays with me is the constant stress. Being constantly on guard. I spent my whole tour outside the wire always looking for the enemy. Everytime we went on the road I wondered if this was the one where we get hit with an IED. I have friends who have had much worse experiences than I did. They witnessed IED attacks where fellow soldiers lost lives and limbs. They themselves were blown up in suicide bomber attacks and injured. I don't feel like I have the right to claim I have PTSD compared to those guys. I know that is probably stupid but that's how I feel. Looking at what I just wrote, part of me thinks it is no wonder I am struggling. Any normal civilian would think that was absolutely insane but the fact that I know guys who had what I would consider far worse experiences keeps me from wanting to be open about this. I believe I have PTSD 100% I am releasing from the army very shortly and during my discharge medical I was more honest than I had neen previously and I was given a referral to an operational stress injury (OSI) clinic in my city. I find it really hard to talk to someone in person about my feelings. It makes me uncomfortable and I try to avoid it.