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20 And Cant Start Relationships?

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xraydave

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Hi there,

i am a massive self sabotager. haha the thing is when i go to girls i like, it's always a good first impression. but later on, it turns sour, and that's because i just .. erm.. stop talking. like there is nothing there. i get sick of their 'enthusiasm' and just well go sour myself. it's like im a blank slate, and everything that comes out of my mouth is just random , boring and uncreative. and they sense this and think it's their fault.

the third stage i think is that they feel bad and are sick of feeling bad due to the unresponsiveness or the fact that it's 'toxic' and no longer serving them in any productive way. i have this girl who i feel a bit attracted to, but you know, maybe this will happen to her, and ive had plenty of chances to interact with her, but then i just couldnt get out of my head.

i was stuck in my head, and i just ended up creepily staring at her, now i am stuck with my anxiety, a 20 year old who hasnt been in relationships and doesnt know how to start any, and it doesnt matter how social he tries to be :/
 
Think of them as fellow guys...but with boobs.
:tup:
:cool:
:wacky:
Yeah, had trouble sleeping here...

But find something you both like to geek on together...and geek on it. Like a regular friend. Try to just relax and talk.
It would be good to have female friends, as there are socialization differences between men and women. So just try to make girl...friends. Instead of trying the huge leap into seeing someone.
 
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Think of them as fellow guys...but with boobs.
:tup:
:cool:
:wacky:
Yeah, had trouble sleeping here......

I know right. "boys with boobs". believe it or not, i gave this advice to one of my friends growing up who kept on asking me for advice on dating girls :D he managed to get a girlfriend a year or two ago, but now i am the one getting this advice.

the thing is, it's so much harder in the visceral and gritty experience of noticing them. 'are they expecting me to approach them?' 'will they react badly if I do?' - these are some of the thoughts i have.

i think it's mainly from abuse, and the pain, really gets me paranoid - like there is some massive danger (apparently, even worse than not having a girlfriend! :( ) where my mind cant make up whether this 'move' is a threat. i just cant handle that internal pressure, like my stomach is going to just twist on itself, and my head will explode if i do.

i have for a long time, not known why im like this, but im almost 100% sure it has something to do with abuse ive faced. i just can deal with that internal pressure, and dealing with that, is what will get me moving forward, and making that next big ask 'will you go out with me sometime?'. :/ but first dont they have to see something more in me? dont i need to be less withdrawn and more active? That's another issue *facepalm

edit: and I do have a lot of friends who are girls. but no girlfriends. no. :/
 
Hahahaha @Stickler I loved your reply and I can't stop laughing because of you :p :p...
haha well, i dont know i think there is so much more than that, because i dont necessarily have a problem with making friends with girls at all. it's that extra step, which is so unbelievably difficult. for some reason.

Also, i dont know about you. due to my experiences, when people are overly enthusiastic when i am saying something which is sad, i have some serious anger tendencies, and narcissist reenacting feelings come up. like i want to shut the person out for good.. i wish i could say i dont know why i am like that, but that's the way i am now.

i hope you dont take my negative attitude and stories, to your optimism, or any one else's enthusiasm, personally. :/
 
Yup! there you have the answer to why you are struggling with relationships.

Yes, I'm in the same boat. I'm 28, never had a relationship. Only 3-4 week attraction then end up with attachment/detachment issues, trust issues, low self esteem and what not. Therefore, I have stopped trying on relationships and working on myself first because I need to repair that broken inner child. I have been hurt emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually plus forced into childhood labor by men when I was a kid and now I find it extremely difficult to be more than friends with a guy.

Well, you need to help yourself before relationships because you'll either be emotionally numb like you've described or emotionally vulnerable like I have been in the past. All the best for healing.
 
Hmm...
As someone who approaches and receives approaches?
...polite hello in a social situation where you can be seen as " not dangerous guy." Maybe ask for her number * but do not confirm it really IS her number? *
No is no, don't take it personally, move on.
It's sales. 13 noes to one yes, so every no is both a chance to refine approach and one less no on the way to yes.

Could always try Tinder.

As Jass said, therapy's a really really good idea.
 
Are you close enough to any of your female friends that'd you'd feel comfortable talking to them about your issues with approaching a female that you'd be interested in more than friendship with? Maybe she could help give you some pointers/advice because she would know you the best by having a friendship with you, and being around you she might be able to help guide you in the right direction?
I know personally myself I'd be petrified to approach any guy to even let him know I was interested in him, the fear of rejection scares me, and I internalize every little thing a person says/their body language, and I "study" everything I can about people all while keeping my thoughts to myself. I'm actually a very outgoing person when with my friends, but the minute I'd think of someone as more than a friend that's when u get paranoid about every detail. I'm picky, but nothing to do with looks it's picky as in if I think their vibe & my vibe "mesh well" and I try to visualize how it might be with them hanging out etc.
Basically unless a guy came right out and told me he was interested in me I'd never bring up the subject idea no matter if I liked him or not because I'm always scared of rejection.
 
Maybe just work on yourself for now?

What sticks out to me is that you get sick of their enthusiasm.

This segnals to me that you're not ready for a relationship. (Why be in a relationship with someone who isn't enthusiastic about you?)
 
Are you close enough to any of your female friends that'd you'd feel comfortable talking to them...

That's smart, and I'm glad i didnt just 'shut it out' like i always seem to do. That is great advice. i just have to see myself committing to it, because i seirously havea problem with that, and that makes everything harder. (for some reason, it's painful to imagine myself in situations like that)

I dont know how much of the ptsd fears apply to non-ptsds like the friends who are interested in us. but most definitely, i relate to what you said. i have friends, but then everything goes a little haywire in my head , when i start seeing 'potential partners' as well.

Maybe just work on yourself for now?

What sticks out to me is that you get sick of their enthusiasm.

This segnals to me that you're not ready for a relationship. (Why be in a relationship with someone who isn't enthusiastic about you?)

i can always try that. but im prone to being isolating and isolationist, when the opposite was required. at one point in my life, i realized there is no point looking for what i am looking, in a vacuum. - no creativity will strike there. i wont be who i want to be or do what i want to do.

but then, i have these fears and traumatic hypervigilance and well 'all life is either secretly meaningless or worse, dangerous' PTSD lens, and it comes in the way of even coming to appreciate something as simple as another person's enthusiasm. :/
 
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