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Sexual Assault 26 Days Ago...

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Lissar

New Here
Just need to share the story...

November - started having flashbacks again from childhood trauma
December - multiple out-of-the-ordinary stressors
January - anorexia relapse
February - back into treatment program
June - really struggled. Self harm, overdoses, more PTSD symptoms again
June 29th - I OD'd on various pills and alcohol. Got on the train to get to an emergency department and never got there. A man somehow got me to come with him to his hotel room, where he raped me. I was either unconscious or completely dissociated for a lot of it - the memories are in pictures and sensations. I was a virgin. The next morning I found myself wandering around downtown, completely unsure of what had happened; it felt like a nightmare, but my underwear was missing. I got myself to the hospital where my psychologist is, told her, she immediately took me down to the emergency department. I had the health based examination then and decided to go back for the full forensic examination that night. Although the nurse who did it all was a specialist and amazing, anyone who's been through that exam knows that it's traumatizing too. I've been interviewed by the police and they're waiting for forensics to come back, then it will be up to me whether charges are pressed (they know who it is).

I hate that the memories are so fragmented. I hate that I don't know everything that he did to me. I hate that my body seems to remember more than I do. I hate that he didn't even have to drug me because I had already done it for him. I hated being on the examining table so many times - health exam in the morning, forensics exam that night, getting shots deep into my hip a few days later to boost my immunity for things I shouldn't have to worry about. I hate that I have to do follow up exams at 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year.

I was already trying and failing to recover from complex PTSD. How can I ever recover from this, too?
 
I know it's no consolation to you, but man, I really hope karma gets this guy, and soon. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you are facing an uphill battle and it will likely get much worse before it gets better. ... but try to keep one thing in the back of your mind the whole time: You need to be strong so that nothing like this ever happens to you again. And being strong means not beating yourself up for it, not blaming yourself for anything that's happened to you, and recognizing yourself not as a victim but as a survivor who will overcome this.
 
I know this must be horribly hard. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I can't offer much help-I'm still trying to put myself together from something like that...
However, I want to point out that I think you're doing great. Even if you hate feeling out of control and all that is happening, you are going to hospital, getting shots, doing check ups, and that is a good self care. It's not going to erase what happened, but it will make it a lot easier in recovery terms. I did a lot of the opposite when I first struggled with my experiences- I was eating whatever, and not going to the doctors, not sleeping or eating much...and I had to spend a lot of time also fixing the effects of what that did to me. You're doing great! If you need to vent, feel free to PM.
 
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