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5 Things I'm Thinking Today

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1. I added a song to a thread and some feelings peered out of the box, where I carefully held them.
2. I did not expect the grief to continue this long...but then I am often surprised by feelings...and I lose sometimes my peace.
3. It is not a matter of was he worth it...but of how I loved him.
4. I am in recognition of how my heart still struggles to let go of the dream and the illusion of who he was...
5. I am stronger for knowing that I could love fiercely, stand with conviction and went the distance...despite the odds.
 
1. Annoyed with myself for how much I mix Swahili and Zulu. Long live keeping the conversations to English.
2. Missing people I shouldn't be missing. Lists of grievances don't make the missing cease. So maybe some other day.
3. At least some old friends are still reachable.
4. Don't like modes of functioning pain pushes me to. Want normal people responses and disorientation, instead of clear headedness and sharp focus.
5. Peripherally happy about kindness. Too weirded out by that little flame of it I want to stay as far away as possible and not give it a chance to go out like the other ones.
 
Realizing the lack of value I have for myself has influenced my adult decisions throughout my life and created the situations that have put me on the paths of physical, sexual, emotional, mental and all the other abuse I have been through as an adult.

Knowing and accepting that is owning my responsibility. That does not let the assholes off the hook but I think/I hope it strips them of their power. I will need to keep shaping this thought and bring it up with my therapist.

I am currently in a kind of limbo. Not powerless, not powerful but trying to accept.... I'm not sure of all I'm accepting. Too many conflicting inner opinions.

Thinking I was trained to have no value and the hardest (but not impossible) part is retraining myself. That means working through the inner struggle with the parts of me who don't want to be retrained because it means letting go of self pity, excuses , victim mentality, negative thinking and blaming everyone else.

This post has exhausted me and I'm going back to bed.
 
-I watched an Eagle's date today, not kidding. I don't know if it was a first date or courting rituals of a mated pair. It was sweet and tentative.
-I wish I could fly in my dreams again. Or dream, even.
-I am feeling sadness today.
-feelings, even painful ones, are a gift.
-I will find my voice.
 
@Chimera There is a little trick I use to feel lighter. When I watch the Eagles or my spirit guide- the RedTailed Hawk, I suspend disbelief (like when we watch and get caught up in the movies). I attach focus to the bird(s) in flight, let myself observe and feel the movements in the air, the straight descents, the swoops, the curves, the gentle glides on the loft of the wind...allow these energy movements to blend inside like the beat of music...
with practice you may soar with them and be lifted lighter...if only in a moment. However, it is a form of freedom.
 
I'm relieved that my disability claim has been accepted for another six months

I'm feeling guilty for being on disability, which is about half my wage.

I'm angry because my husband resents that I'm on disability, which causes me to feel guilty

I'm sad that he resents me for this. I wouldn't wish PTSD on anyone! It's not like I'm on an extended vacation!

I wish we could have gotten lostforgottensoul a real birthday gift. I mean a physical object.
 
I'm angry because my husband resents that I'm on disability, which causes me to feel guilty

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This is one of my favorite saying from Madea. ((((hugs)))
 
1. I learned you pretty much 'have' to be having a 'depressive episode' to seriously consider SI. I suppose that makes sense but.. ? :confused:
2. I think we don't notice growing up, or maybe even after as adults, when things (good things) that we should have had or don't have, were/ are missing. That explains neglect. Why it takes a while to view it as 'anything'/ any importance to that
3. I think shame comes from feeling bad inside, as a person
4. This sounds selfish, but actually I was trying to find some help for someone else. Strange, but I received it myself (for myself)
5. Someone posted with DID about falling part in april every year, that it was a 'fragile alter'. Do you suppose (we) could have a fragile 'part', even without DID? (I don't understand 'parts')?

1. (Sorry!!) @Alice.in.Wonderland hugs for you (& all). (Thank you @Cj77 :hug: :hug: )
2. Read something about positives of pain but can't remember what!
3. Have a new bathroom carpet, gloriously soft on my feet, which I guess are sore. I think I might sleep on it! ;) :) I might actually sleep :wideeyed: (Was thinking, will have to sleep in the bathroom, but it's a portable rug :rolleyes: )
4. Happy for @lostforgottensoul 's birthday :hug:
 
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