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Supporter A Little Help In Dealing With A Girlfriend That May Have Ptsd?

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Hugo, Jan 9, 2013.

  1. Hugo

    Hugo New Member

    Hi all, this is my first post.. ever.. So I am sorry if I didn't do this right..

    My name is Hugo and I have been with my girlfriend for about a year now.. I believe she has PTSD and I want to seek help on dealing with this?? The trauma in this case I believe is her ex bf.. ( I hope I'm not in the wrong forum area).. they were together for approximately 8 -9 years and he basically treated her very badly and mentally "screwed" her.. Sorry lack of a better word.. she waited around for a ring from him and all he would do is sit around, not work, and put no effort in any of the relationship, he was almost 30 and only had a high school diploma (please no offence to anyone).. she was crazily in love with him.. She finally ended up leaving him, she definitely deserves better. But she has developed this great hatred towards men..

    She says she wants to get married and eventually have kids but is very depressed all the time.. however she cannot seem to trust anyone but herself, only thinks about money and hates the world.. I came into her life months after the break up.. ( I know I went wrong here, but can't go back in time) we started dating and from day one she has treated me really badly.. always wanted to break up with me and always thinking its a bad idea.. On other days though.. she will be perfectly fine! she will be very caring and loving and this is what messes me up.. She tells me that she has flashbacks of her previous relationship and doesn't want to go back to those ways and just closes up and doesn't let anyone into her comfort zone..

    I have taken all those beatings and have been with her every step of the way... I honestly have faith things can and will get better, Its human nature to believe in one certain thing to have faith and i have faith in God (catholic). I keep in constant prayer to help me cool down and take down the beatings.. after she vents out she gets better.. but then days after she will go back in hate mode and block everyone out and verbally disrespect me. She is a few years older than me, I am 22 and she is 28.

    She constantly says she is wasting time on me and she doesn't love me and she is stupid for being with me.. She does feel bad for feeling this way and that doesn't want to be this way. I don't think I'm a bad person, I do have my flaws here and there (no ones perfect) I have honestly been nothing but good to her.. and seriously.. not trying to brag.. she says so herself..

    At this moment right now T am not ready to marry. Although I do work at a law firm, make very decent money for my age. I work full time I am also in school full time in the evenings. 9am-5pm @ work & 6pm-10pm in school Monday to Friday. So mentally I am drained by the end of the day and dealing with this stresses me out more.. I do plan to propose this year if not next. As soon as more $$ comes in to live comfortably.. ( may sound typical but I am a very driven person).

    I briefly explained the situation to one of my friends who is studying psychology and he believes she suffers from PTSD hence my cry out on this forum.

    If any one is out there for a little advice.. Just writing this has gotten a lot off my chest, as I cannot go to my friends with this.. they will obviously tell me to leave her.. I do believe strongly this can get better.. When were happy together its an amazing feeling and that's what keeps me motivated..

    Thanks for you time and help.. God bless
  2. Ayesha

    Ayesha Beautiful Disaster Staff Member Premium Member

    Hello and welcome to the forum. :)

    You are in the right section. There is also a supporters forum with a lot of helpful people. I would start by reading the 'sticky' threads in those forums they have some very helpful information.

    You don't have to rush into anything in your relationship. Do what makes you feel comfortable. Boundaries are important.

    Best wishes.
  3. firehouse9south

    firehouse9south VIP Member

    Hey man sounds like she should be properly diagnosed by a professional on that PTSD shit first. If that is the case after that she should begin to try to heal herself with all that is available , including family and friends for support. It's a long road but like them all they start somewhere and end somewhere. I also don't know if this site will help you or frustrate you...feel it out and if you feel like it's not helping you then bounce, I did but it was from lack of interest and all the rules that I have yet to read once again lack of interest, never read them never will. Stay safe and good luck. Fire.
    Hashi likes this.
  4. Loveneverfails

    Loveneverfails VIP Member

    It will be very difficult whether she accepts a diagnosis or not, so you need to understand that from the get go. But there is a possibility of growth if she's willing to face the problem head on. Thing is, until she realizes she has a problem and not the world, it's unlikely she will get better. And you can't do that for her, you can't make her see. No ultimatum, no amount of support will open her eyes until she's ready. My advice would be to hold off on thoughts of marriage until and if she meets a more stable standing point in her life as big life changes can bring about even more stress and ultimately, more problems.

    Best thing you can do right now is to learn all you can about PTSD and being a supporter so that you can take care of yourself in this relationship. It sounds as though every negative word she says(while unkind and in the wrong) are being taken deep inside you. That kind of thinking is going to break your heart. Please read everything you can get your hands on to better protect your psyche before you proceed. You need the tools to do what Ayesha spoke of, reinforcing boundaries. Survivors of abuse are used to boundaries either being flexible or violated, or not existing at all. Many times without even realizing it, they walk all over them.

    Welcome to the forum, I wish you luck. I really hope she is able to heal so that you can love her. Everyone deserves to be loved like that. So do you.
    Mcll likes this.
  5. Pinkcake

    Pinkcake New Member

    She needs to get diagnosed. I also think that any relationship progress should probably wait until she does. She is not mentally or emotionally healthy.

    Welcome to the forum.
    Hashi likes this.
  6. Hugo

    Hugo New Member

    Wow I honestly didn't think anyone would even read this.. Thank you guys very much.. Great support and advice!
  7. Sailorgal

    Sailorgal New Member

    Hey Hugo,

    Normally I wouldn't be this direct but.....serious???? I know no one can help their feelings. So for all of her adult life so far, she was in a terribly abusive relationship....she hasn't had ANY time to really try and get back on her own feet in any way. When two people really want to work towards the same goals, then the patience and counseling makes sense. When the sufferer is still really broken and doesn't know what the heck she wants? That is a sign that there is nothing to build RIGHT NOW.

    It may take her YEARS to be in a place where she can function somewhat in a relationship. Everyone is different. But coming in right after she was out of that one, may the buyer beware.
  8. KP the nut

    KP the nut Tigger is back Staff Member Premium Member

    Hi Hugo and welcome to the forum.

    Take your time reading the information and listen to others especially the supporters, they have been/are there where you are.
    Sailorgal likes this.
  9. Hashi

    Hashi VIP Member

    Hi Hugo,

    As others have said, I think it's important that firstly your girlfriend gets a diagnosis. If she has PTSD then she needs to get help for PTSD. If it's not PTSD but depression, say, she needs to get help for that. It's always advised here that we go by professional diagnosis and don't try to self-diagnose. It's not possible to know whether or not it's PTSD from looking up symptoms or having some knowledge. That might indicate that PTSD's a possibility, but only someone fully qualified can actually assess that.

    It should help you too, as a supporter, to understand what the issues are and therefore what approaches are appropriate.

    I hope she'll be willing to seek a diagnosis and then get the appropriate help. If it is PTSD, then I hope this site can help you as you support her on her journey.

    I wish you both well.
    Sailorgal likes this.
  10. Girl3

    Girl3 New Member Premium Member

    Hugo please understand that no one can have an exact answer for you since no one knows precisely what is wrong with your girlfriend beyond her having been in an abusive relationship for a long time. I would wonder if she had also been abused growing up, leading her to seek an abusive relationship.

    The greater question though to me is why do you allow her to abuse you? Would you allow a friend to treat you so badly? Romantic love lasts a year to eighteen months so the research says. After the romantic part fizzles out, what will you have left? A bitter angry woman who vacillates back and forth between being nice to you and mean to you.

    While I believe while your girlfriend most definitely needs some professional help, a proper diagnosis - so that she can become a happier person - I don't know if you can or should be pushing her to that if it isn't something that she wants. It could backfire for you in a number of ways. Not the least of which is that she winds up hating you for 'forcing' her to deal with her past.

    My husband forced me into therapy and then proceeded to force me to talk about things I wasn't ready to discuss. The result has been our separation and my everlasting hatred of what he did. While I do go back and forth to our house where he lives with my daughter, I can never love him. A person cannot love someone who orchestrates a violence to her soul. Even if it ultimately helps her get better. Or a step closer to better.

    I would read carefully, and consider even more carefully. Perhaps you can get your girlfriend interested in the forum on her own terms. It seems likely she might find words that would appeal to her as well. Be careful of your own heart. You are young and have all of life ahead of you. I wish you great wisdom and introspection.

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