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Sufferer A Lonerwolf With Severe Traumas

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Hi, well I don't know where to start.
For some reason I'm just so tired of always introducing myself because I don't know how people will react or think of me. My traumas began when I was born. Was born into a dysfunctional abusive family where feelings and tears aren't allowed so crying is something I must do in private. I was sexually abused by my oldest sister, my step-mother and my cousin from the age of 9 to the age of 12. And when that ended the physical and the emotional began, and it went on until I was kicked out of the house of the age of 15. A few months after that my youngest brother was murdered but the murderer was never caught even though we all know who did it.

I have a history of drugs and prostitution....I'm trying daily to regain back the pieces of my soul or remain sane which is getting harder now that i've started community college. Trying to live a normal life but somehow it feels like I'll never be normal. No matter how hard I try and I hate when people are telling me to try harder or try different things.
The thing is, no matter how many times I tell those people just by breathing is hard enough so I became a member on this forum site to connect with people who understands how it is.
I apologize if I come across as rude or arrogant. It's just that I don't know how to show feelings or if I try it'll come of as really really really awkward.
 
I relate to feeling like I can never be "normal" but am probably getting better at accepting where I am, who I am, and shedding those ideas of "normal." Fact is that a lot of people are hiding their stuff and appear "normal" on the outside, just like I do probably to people who don't know me well. Anyway, I've worked on self acceptance plus working on changing things I think I can change, or that feel really personally important (vs my ideas of what I think I'm supposed to be like). Progress is possible, but I'm learning to be patient because subtle changes and gradual change over a good period of time seems more manageable for the deeper patterns and fears. This also takes some pressure off feeling like I have to try so hard every day, because I don't. It's too tiring.

You don't sound rude or arrogant to me. Welcome, and I hope you find this place helpful and supportive.
 
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