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A Reoccuring Nightmare That Has Become The Strongest Memory

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I suffered from the same reoccurring nightmare for the last couple of years. It didn't matter how tired I was or how peaceful I made my sleeping environment before bed. I still had the same nightmare. This nightmare was repeated so many times that it is one of my strongest memories. I stopped having it over the summer, but the fear of it returning is almost as hard as having it. I wish it was a nightmare I could forget. The ones that woke us up as children in the movies. Sometimes when I am awake, I suddenly think about the nightmare and it haunts me while I am awake too. I think I just need to get it off my chest.

Here is the very disturbing nightmare:

I am a little boy in the nightmare. I feel everything the boy does yet I am watching from the stairway. I am in a basement. Everything is wet. There is a moment when I realize its all wet ad moist in the basement where I see rust on the pipes that are over out heads. I see the boy step into the light. He is crying. He is scared and hurt. There is a tall man. I can only see his chest. Although I am watching from the staircase, I can only see his chest. He has been beating me. I am crying because I was being hit a lot. I was in the corner shadow. I am the boy now but yet I can just see the tears on his face. He is in so much pain. I see the shadows of the basement, the floors, the unfinished staircase, the puddles of water, the rusty pipes, and chipped paint of the walls. I feel everything the little boy feels: all of the pain, I realize he has been sodomized. I never see it yet in the dream...a flash memory comes to me and the boy...the feeling of the man on on back...the feel of the sweat...its like the knowledge of it happening. The boy has a memory. He was sodomized and was screaming...now he is just crying...the man steps out of the shadow yet I still only see his chest....the boy has an instant of fear and I leave him there in the basement. I leave him and go up the stairs...I usually have another dream or wake up...either way I lived through this nightmare for years.... I know it was nightmare, yet, I feel guilt at leaving him alone with that man. I am the boy yet I leave myself with someone hurts me. I live with the guilt of this a lot. I live with this memory. The memory of the nightmare is painful in itself.
 
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