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Sufferer About Time I Did This, I Have Combat Ptsd

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nomedic1

MyPTSD Pro
I have had combat PTSD for the last 20 years. I served in the South African Defence Force as an operational medic (combat). I was fired upon by a young man, and I in my cockiness as a 19 year old, thought if I shot him in the shoulder I could drop him and fix him up. Long story short, my shot was too accurate hitting a artery. His friends dragged him off and by the time we had suppressed additional fire and made the area safe he had bled out. I never understood Apartheid. I was conscripted into the military. I was supposed to be a medic why the hell was I armed and firing at people.

I spent the next fourteen years trying to get myself in situations that would get me killed. I joined government emergency services and if anybody knows the situation in South Africa carried on operating in a violent environment, paramedics are allowed to carry firearms. I never did and I pushed the envelope and went where others wouldn't; and when that didn't convince me that it was dangerous enough I went to the Middle East,

Then in September 2006 I got the worst call my sister had been killed by a drunk driver, and the worst was she was in the area I used to cover as a paramedic. I blamed myself for not being there. I couldn't get to her funeral.

I spiraled out of control. I shut down, destroyed my family and nearly got lost to the darkness

Now I have better control. I got help but the nightmares still haunt. I feel disappointed in myself for trying to die, and can't seem to find that light that used to burn inside of me
 
I am so sorry for all you have gone through. The light is still within. It may be blocked temporarily or feel gone, but it is there. I hope you have a good therapist and are focusing on healing. You need to heal. We all do and will one day at a time as long as we don't give up.
 
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