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Abuse by a doctor

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by anonymous, Feb 9, 2018.

  1. anonymous

    anonymous Forum Anonymity Premium Member

    The Dr. Nassar case in the US is really stirring up a lot for me. I was abused by two doctorz under the guise of medical care and it was handled much the same way. I know, two doctors. How could that be possible? I don’t know. Why me? I don’t know.

    I’m having a really difficult time with it all. I’m jumpy and ranty and tired. About everything. I’m angry.

    I have been in therapy for years and done so much to get through this. There’s other trauma too but this screws me up probably the most.

    I have posted here before, but I have to post about this anonymously to post it at all.

    It’s really getting to me. I keep hiding from the news. I keep trying to ignore it all. I can’t seem to talk to my therapist about it. I keep trying. It wasn’t that bad... but the attempts made to make it stop or get help were so ignored... because he’s a doctor and you should trust him. You are just paranoid.

    One of the two doctors was caught confessed to some of his many assaults, and it was guessed he had been abusing women for 30 years.

    Things are dark tonight. I work so hard to recover, and I’m still haunted by this.
    Congruency, littleoc, Freida and 4 others like this.
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  3. Zoogal

    Zoogal I'm a VIP

    I'm sorry.
    Junebug and Abstract like this.
  4. Abstract

    Abstract I'm a VIP Premium Member

    I am sorry. It sounds very raw. There a strong power dynamic because of their profession and I am sure that makes it worse. Not sure its helpful to you if I share or will make it worse but I also have two medical professionals. One of them a dr and similar to the Nassar case with a couple of frills, the second "milder".

    Hopefully new common practices in the medical profession help make this less likely these days.

    You have a right to feel jumpy and angry and tired. You have a right to be affected by not being heard and believed. Yes, they were dr's and you should have been able to trust them. This isn't your fault. Im glad one of the dr's was caught. Sorry you are hurting.
  5. Xena

    Xena Well-Known Member

    hi @anonymous its like a huge trigger for you.....and reminder of what happened,,,,no wonder your not coping well.all i can advise is we here all support you and care about you......those bastards who totally abused there position ,cannot not hurt you again.....

    It will get better its temporary ,its going to be shit for awhile but its temporary,,,,do you have anyone who can give you a nice warm hug?....I hope so..if not i will send you one.

    you will get through this ,your strong,extremely intelligent and you have a big heart.like most of us on here....please take care..and keep in touch......i often find hugging my mums dog helps me....so much....
  6. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    I'm so sorry -- being abused by someone in a position of trust - and then having no one to take your side is horrible. I think avoiding the news is a great coping technique!

    Any idea why you can't talk to your T? Can you tell her what emotions you are having when you try to talk? Kind of like explaining it backwards?

    And yes....it was that bad. You were hurt by someone you should have been able to trust. That is BAD. You didn't deserve this. You did nothing to cause it. You are not paranoid. You survived something horrible - and you deserve for that to be noticed and for you to get help.
  7. Searching4Self

    Searching4Self Active Member

    I was sexually abused by my neighbor who was a nurse and a mom of two young girls that I babysat. Also, my family doctor, whom my abuser dad loved, violated boundaries with me and with my neighbor friend, a teenager girl the same age as me. We used to laugh and joke about how creepy the doctor was—I had no idea his behavior was abusive, but now I do. That neighbor friend was also sexually abused as a young girl, but not by her family member like I was, so she talked about it sometimes and knew that it was wrong. She was also emotionally abused and neglected by her parents, but neither of us were aware of that kind of abuse at the time and she is still not aware of it to this day, as far as I can tell. If she hadn’t gone to the same doctor, and validated what a creep he was, I don’t think I would have become conscious of his boundary violation.

    I’m only recently realizing the truth of that doctor’s behavior, and how it ties into the abuse by the nurse, by my dad, and my adult attitudes and behaviors surrounding the medical profession.

    My heart goes out to you as you process your abuse.
    Congruency, Freida and Abstract like this.
  8. anonymous

    anonymous Forum Anonymity Premium Member

    Thanks for he support everyone. I had to see a doctor since posting this, and I was triggered. It’s so stirred up.

    He had to listen to my chest? I was sent there for possible Toxic Shock, due to suddenly getting really sick and having most of the symptoms... and he said he had to listen to my chest. I wasn’t wheezy or coughing, and I kept asking why? He kept saying he had to check everything. But why did his hand need to be up my shirt under my bra? I asked for a female nurse, explained I have PTSD, and it’s a shitty day... she came in and it was fine. He did nothing weird or abusive, even though this didn’t make sense. He listened to me say no, and ask for a female nurse...

    But I am SO ashamed to read victim statements for Dr. Nassar and think, yeah that happened to me too, I thought it was inappropriate and weird... and confusing. But I didn’t call it abuse. Now it makes me question everything.

    Therapists are also “helpers.” With some authority. Mine never touches me..: but it’s hard to trust someone won’t abuse the role for personal gain and enjoyment. She said she liked having me as a client last week, because I’m funny, as in a good sense of humor - I make her laugh. Like... uh... I mean that’s totally harmless but it stirs up the same feeling like maybe that I’m there for other’s enjoyment?

    Pretty twisted thinking on my part.
  9. Searching4Self

    Searching4Self Active Member

    Are you in my head? You described my feelings toward helping professions better than I could! I always keep a part of my mind and heart guarded against manipulation and I’m “sure” that even though I feel attached to T that eventually the truth about her motives will be revealed. But I keep that “safety cord” tucked away and keep going in spite of my “fortune telling” (cognitive distortion).

    Any compliments that T gives me, real ones about my character not just my clothes, scare me greatly because there is too much unknown so I just toss out a quick, “Mm-hmm” or “thank you” as it rolls off my back.

    However I do hope that the armor starts to crack and shift so that I can receive those compliments because I bet it would feel really good, like a hug.

    I’m really glad that your doctor respected you. Also that you can recognize what an awesome support system you have.
    Congruency, Freida and barefoot like this.
  10. barefoot

    barefoot I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    I now struggle with experiences I had with a doctor when I was young. I told my T what had happened about three years ago having never told anyone for 25+ years. It has formed the key context of our work together but we have really only scratched the surface because I find it so confusing and because I used to dissociate whenever the topic came up.

    I too generally don’t think that what happened was that bad. In that, it could have been much worse. But the doctor/patient dynamic makes things complicated, I think, especially in terms of trust and authority and “caring professions”. Trusting people who are supposed to be helping us. I have only very recently started to open up more to the idea that what happened was abusive. It has taken a long, long time to get to that point and I still regularly revert to “it wasn’t that bad” and “I must have misinterpreted something” and “I was a kid so I think I must have got all this wrong.”

    I’m in the UK so I’m sure we have had far less coverage of the Nassar case here but I have still found it triggering. Like you, I have made a conscious decision to avoid it. Which is still hard and confusing in itself because part of me feels powerfully drawn to read everything I can find on it while another part feels horribly ashamed and distressed and anxious and...just horrendous...if I do expose myself to the story. I got badly triggered by the early Weinstein coverage a few months back and felt similarly to the way you’re describing. It took about three weeks for me to stabilise then. So the impact of that has made it easier to stick to avoiding the news around Nassar - because I don’t want to repeat the experience I had over the Weinstein stuff, which was horrible and exhausting and pretty all-encompassing for those weeks.

    I find my doctor stuff so hard because I find it all so very confusing. And, yes, shameful.

    I also relate very much to what you OP and @Searching4Self say re therapists. I really like my T a lot. But there is definitely a part of me that holds a deep feeling of suspicion towards her and her motives. It isn’t about her in particular, I don’t think - I think I would feel like that with any T. And I feel like it with doctors, nurses, dentists...

    I’m sorry that your attempts to make it stop or to get help were ignored. You deserved so much more/better. I didn’t do or say anything. Didn’t do anything to try to make it stop or get help. And that’s a part of it that I really struggle with too.

    Take care.
    Congruency, Freida and Searching4Self like this.
  11. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    Yea, I'm way bitchier than y'all because I actually said this to both my Ts, my doctor and my dentist. Told them right up front I didn't trust them. And their response? "that's nice, so anyway back to your day......" What was funny is that I thought i was throwing down the gauntlet and it was such a non-event for them.

    They expected me to be suspicious and not trust them. Because I have ptsd - and that's part of how I operate in the world. Why would it be any different for them? It took me a year to finally start trusting and really talking to my therapist, and even longer to trust my doc and dentist (have a long story there). Do I completely trust them? Nope. but I an count on one had the people I really trust. Am I willing to give them the benefit of the doubt? Yes. for now.
    Congruency and Searching4Self like this.
  12. Congruency

    Congruency Tumultuous Uprising Premium Member Donated

    Doesn't sound twisted to me. It would be quite normal to go through those feelings with anyone in a position of authority. Doctors violated your trust and you. Trust isn't something which will come easy.

    It's taken me years to trust my Ophthalmologist and Endocrinologist. I have to travel a distance for each of them and I would because I trust them and their decisions.

    When I was a child a dentist and another doctor raped me in separate incidences. Both of them were pedophiles who my father knew (my main perpetrator).
    Freida likes this.
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