My name is Lisa and I am new to this forum. I found it by Googling Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was diagnosed with this about five years ago by my therapist. I was with a man back when I was 20 who was very vebally, physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. We dated for only eight months and the abuse began about two months into the relationship. I was lucky to get out when I did, as I don't think I'd be here today if I hadn't. I don't quite know if he would have killed me, he threatened to many times, or I would have killed myself.
As it's been twelve years since I've been with the man I call "Mr. Abusive", I sometimes wonder if I will ever be over the trauma. I've been in and out of therapy throughout this time, and whenever I think I am getting better, I suffer another setback. Being with my husband sexually has becoming an issue, and I am trying to deal with it, but having a hard time. My therapist tells me I need to be honest with my husband about the things that were done to me, but I have a hard time knowing my husband will understand and sympathize. My husband is a wonderful man, but we've had our up and downs too, and even though our marriage is very strong now, in the back of my mind I wonder if he can hear the details and still love me and think I am a wonderful person because I don't feel that I am.
The strongest PSTD symptoms I face are guilt and shame. I often blame myself because I just didn’t leave. My therapist gently reminds me that I didn’t have that option but sometimes I find myself wondering if I had just walked out that door and never looked back, what would have happened? Would things have been worse, or better? My abuser told me constantly I must have liked to be kicked and hit and punched and thrown and raped, and that’s not true, so why do I believe the other things he said to me?
I find myself very angry about my past and what he did. I wonder why he chose me to victimize. Was it something about my personality? Was it something about what I wore or how I conducted myself at work? Was it a conversation he overheard with my friends about my past relationship? These are all questions that I don’t have the answers to do that prevent me from moving forward.
I am glad to be here and hope to find some tools here to help me put this behind me
As it's been twelve years since I've been with the man I call "Mr. Abusive", I sometimes wonder if I will ever be over the trauma. I've been in and out of therapy throughout this time, and whenever I think I am getting better, I suffer another setback. Being with my husband sexually has becoming an issue, and I am trying to deal with it, but having a hard time. My therapist tells me I need to be honest with my husband about the things that were done to me, but I have a hard time knowing my husband will understand and sympathize. My husband is a wonderful man, but we've had our up and downs too, and even though our marriage is very strong now, in the back of my mind I wonder if he can hear the details and still love me and think I am a wonderful person because I don't feel that I am.
The strongest PSTD symptoms I face are guilt and shame. I often blame myself because I just didn’t leave. My therapist gently reminds me that I didn’t have that option but sometimes I find myself wondering if I had just walked out that door and never looked back, what would have happened? Would things have been worse, or better? My abuser told me constantly I must have liked to be kicked and hit and punched and thrown and raped, and that’s not true, so why do I believe the other things he said to me?
I find myself very angry about my past and what he did. I wonder why he chose me to victimize. Was it something about my personality? Was it something about what I wore or how I conducted myself at work? Was it a conversation he overheard with my friends about my past relationship? These are all questions that I don’t have the answers to do that prevent me from moving forward.
I am glad to be here and hope to find some tools here to help me put this behind me