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Abusive Mother Texted Me

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TeaLeaf

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I went away for the weekend with my husband and we were on our way to a nice restaurant for dinner. Then I got a text from my mother wishing me a happy birthday and seeking to have a relationship with me. I was shocked. And then I was saddened and stressed. This person was physically and emotionally abusive to me and did nothing when she found out I was sexually abused as a child. I was able to put it out of my mind for the rest of the trip and then I got home.

I have been having trouble sleeping which never helps my level of function and then the anxiety, jaw clenching and an episode of crying came. I haven't felt this depressed in a long time and couldn't go to work today. I thought about what things were like growing up and how abusive and mean she was. 5 years ago I cut her out of my life until she had some empathy for me and understanding of what she has done and she could apologize without making excuses which will probably never happen.

I am upset that one text could push me over the edge like this. For the past few weeks I had actually been thinking about letting her back into my life a little bit because the no contact thing makes it hard to have contact with other certain family members, it's stressful. I had also been feeling like a grudge holding bad person and didn't want to feel like that.

I was able to make an appointment for tomorrow with my therapist, I was very thankful for that. I also realize that my mother is too toxic of a person to let back into my life. I am trying to be gentle with myself.

Has something like this ever happened to anyone? A toxic person you cut off contacting you out of the blue and it resulted in some pretty negative effects on you? How did you deal with it?
 
@TeaLeaf I really understand and have struggled with this too. I left home at 17 and did not have any contact with my family for about 5 years. I never thought about calling my mom when I was homeless, at my lowest point emotionally, etc. The only thing really bothering me was not having a real mom. I needed that person in my life but it wasn't her. The randomly 5 years later she text me that she and my family are praying for me and hope I am well. It was weird and to me a bit disturbing but not bad. I first wanted to ignore it and tried for like a day but I had anxiety that was making my breathing weird and making me shaky. I just couldnt ignore it so I said thanks and had very light conversation. It kept eating away at me and she would sometimes text that someone I used to know died or my brother was taking a medication that she thought would work on me etc. She did sometimes say she missed me or wish me happy birthday but it didnt feel good at all. I get what you say about feeling bad about being a grudge holder. I couldnt stand that feeling so I decided to write a letter where I didnt blame her for anything and I just apologized for anything I was a part of and told her how much I missed having a mom in my life. I really opened myself up and I thought if I let go she maybe would accept me but it didnt work that way. She contacted me a lot more but she used that letter to make herself sound like the poor person who had to put up with a disturbed child. It did so much emotional damage to me and I talked with my T about it. She had me read a book called toxic parents and showed me the pathological behaviors and we weighed some pros and cons. She helped me to grieve for what I was missing in my life and let go of the guilt of not talking to her. Now I dont and I still missing having a mom but not that one. I feel stronger and can make that decision not to let her have a part in my life. I think you need to go through your process of trying what you think might work and talking about it in therapy so that you dont have regrets but I feel the only real way up is out. Good luck!
 
Yes.

Well, sort of.

I wasn't contacted directly, rather I heard her voice as she was on speakerphone talking to another family member.

I had a horrendous episode that lasted weeks and was hard as hell to pull out of.

But then, a few months later, something changed inside of me. I literally woke up one day and knew that was the day I would contact my mom again. Things have been going well since. I am able to handle her now. I don't trigger like I used to. I am able to enforce boundaries.

Maybe one day it will be right to reconnect with her, but it sounds like that time isn't now.

Its odd how some of the biggest decisions in my life were like that. I literally would wake up and know what I needed to do.
 
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