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Sufferer Abusive Relationship And Soul-body Disintegration

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Adam77

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Hello, everybody, I would like to share my experience with trauma and find out if anyone has similar experience.

It's been one year and half since I ended abusive relationship. After that nothing seems to be normal and although I can function at work, finding new partner and building a relationship is out of the question. For four months I dated a woman who was divorced catholic. Her husband abused her in all imaginable ways, she also has a history of abusive childhood (her father was an alcoholic). She was divorced for two years and suffered from depression. When we begin to date she told me that she is ready for new relationship, she is OK now and she wanted new beginning. She kept telling me that I have "healing effect" on her. However, over few weeks, I felt worse and worse. She made complains that I am very "slow" in progressing in relationship, that she does not feel loved enough despite all the things she was doing for me.

She was obsessed with sex and porn and thought that I have some serious problem if I wanted things to go slow. She kept telling me conflicting messages, like she want to begin again but – since she was raised catholic and had wedding in church – technically (from the spiritual point of view) she is still wife of her husband, they are still "married" and they are eternally bond. I wish I was wise enough to leave her immediately. But I loved her. Over the time I felt unbearable feelings, emotional pain, like my body was burning in fire and I couldn't breathe. I though it was all my fault, that I had problems with commitment and in some way I am not normal of having such a strange feelings. She disrespected my boundaries, she kept seducing me although I told her I need more time for intimacy. Finally, I couldn't sleep with her anymore, I had suicidal feelings and pretty much lost myself. It was as if my emotions and my sexuality turned to opposite directions and this begin tearing me apart. For weeks I couldn't decide whether to leave her or stay. Most of the time I felt like under some weird spell. It was like I was frozen, completely powerless. She was disappointed and angry that I did not want to sleep with her anymore. It's normal that couples sleep together, right? She told me I am an egoist because everything had to be according to my feelings. Yet nothing was according to my feelings. I completely distrusted my inner warning signals. We finally broke up, I couldn't take it anymore.

Two weeks after the break-up, when I was in great pain and confusion, very strange thing happened to me. One day, in a moment of horror, I felt like my soul broke from all that pain in two pieces. Like somebody took a knife or sword and cut my body in two halves. I couldn't put myself together. On one side there was my twisted body, on the other side there was my spirit, or personality. It was as if "I" was no longer in my body. It was not out-of-the-body experience (like I was distant observer of myself outside the body), rather, I was broken body without a self. My vital part, my self, was standing on my right side and partially overlapped with me. I cried for hours and in next two weeks I mentally broke down. I began therapy and for several months took antidepressants which helped me to function at work. However, along with helping me to conquer depression and anxiety they blunted my feelings.

After several months I slowly realized that I was in abusive relationship (until that time I thought it was all my fault). Ten months after the break-up I bought a book from Peter A. Levine "Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma" and then it hit me – maybe my strange feelings are not unique, maybe there is label for it – PTSD. It was major turning point. I continued therapy, start to study disorder and experimented with healing techniques. I found expert on trauma. I met all criteria of PTSD except hyperarousal symptoms, I have one or two of them, so it is probably partially PTSD. I still cannot explain my strange body feelings (feeling broken, disintegrated and twisted inside myself, intense pain in chest and waist areas).

It took me year to process feelings of guilt from putting and keeping myself in such relationship and feelings of anger towards woman I dated. I feel used.

However, there is one complication. Three years ago, I did really stupid thing – I took drug. I with friends and one of the offered me salvia. It was not illegal in our country, he did not tell me it was hallucinogen and told be that if it went bad, after few minutes I will be OK. Well, I wasn't. My trip lasted four days and after that I got acute psychosis and depersonalization. I was lucky enough to recover in nine months or so (there were people, who struggle for years after that kind of experience). My therapist told me that my strange body feelings may not only be result of that relationship but my nerve system was probably affected also by this previous experience (I never had history of substance abuse, it was one time mistake).

I did many things to recover, especially EMDR and various relaxation techniques. I have read several books on trauma. Some information I found was really helpful. I developed my own healing routines and exercises. Along with working out and stretching, I do focusing, breathing exercises and autogenic training. I devote several hours weekly to do the exercises, usually from one to two hours every day. I learned how to dissolve some of the pain in certain parts of the body, how to be aware of body sensations and most importantly, how to manage anxiety. Most helpful for me was focusing (technique described by Eugene Gendlin).

I learned how to feel better. Still, there is one thing which is major concern for me. I cannot imagine intimate relationship again. I feel as if my sexuality, my vital self is damaged. I cannot have sex again. Few times I tried to masturbate to see if everything is OK (sorry for being open here) left me in such emotional pain that I thought of killing myself. I found myself broken and disintegrated even more than before. I felt like I was broken glass. Inside my body there were pieces of myself, some of them felt dead, some of them painful. It took me weeks to stabilize again.

Same thing happened when I had wet dream. It was like falling into the abyss: I started to feel even more pain. Anxiety and depression came quickly along. Soon suicidal feelings emerged and I felt that my inner self is even more damaged. I cannot describe that pain and my desperate efforts to heal from the consequences of ordinary orgasm (physically everything was OK). Despite I am in my thirties, I managed to live life almost without any thoughts of sex in order not to be aroused and experience that horror again. Living life with fear from my sexuality is very hard.

I am afraid that I will be never healthy again. I would like to know if anybody here has similar experiences with sexual arousal and soul-body disintegration after trauma and if so, what did you find helpful. I have to find the path of recovery. I do not want to stay alone with this disorder.
 
Hi. Sorry for your suffering. I also feel broken in a core way around relationships that related to a harmful lack of trusting myself in the context of a romantic relationship. I definitely felt the loss of self. I am getting access to more...erm...let's say "Self energy". One of the tools I am using is Internal Family Systems therapy. Just a suggestion of something to look into. Good luck.
 
Although the idea is anathema to a lot of people, there is the idea that parts of the soul or self flee in trauma, and need to be reintegrated.

If that idea resonates, I recommend the book Soul Retrieval by Sandra Ingermann.
 
Hi Adam,

Welcome to the forum!

Regardless of what you read or what you suspect the underlying cause to be, it is important to get a diagnosis from a mental health professional. They can give you the information and tools that you need to get better.

Take care.

Debbie
 
Thank you for your suggestions! When I was in therapy, the main benefit I got there was understanding how my childhood and my family system contributed to difficulties in my relationships, especially regarding my weak boundaries and caretaking behavior. I read incredible book on this topic, Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix. It was truly illuminating reading.

However I found talking therapy almost useless in helping to reintegrate my self, to relieve pain. I did EMDR on my own, which helped incredibly. When I found EMDR specialist I was disappointed. Although she was professional and careful, first session was bit more than I could manage and it disintegrated me. I suppose that arousal was too big for me. I realized that in therapeutic setting I am not able to tell exactly what is OK and what is overwhelming maybe because I pay attention both to myself and to therapist. On the other hand, I feel perfectly safe at home, doing exercises by myself in silence, paying close attention to subtle changes in my feelings. I have years of experience in focusing, so probably that is my big advantage (what an irony that it didn't helped me in that relationship).

I feel now as I am halfway through my healing. What worries me are horrible feelings of pain and disintegration after ordinary orgasm. That didn't change over time and I need to find answer/cure.

I've been in two therapies, consulted my condition with psychiatrist. My diagnosis was anxiety disorder. Since I have more information than at that time I will go to my psychiatrist again to see if she can be more specific. I am trying to combine all possible ways of healing and advice – professional assistance, self-study, exercises, experiences and suggestions of other sufferers.
 
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