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Actually Letting Somebody In...properly. Feel Sick.

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Springer80

MyPTSD Pro
I had these dreams. The issue in these dreams is my achilles heel. Its the hardest thing to overcome.

Dream 1. A big scary battle worn cat (like the general off Water Ship Down :nailbiting:) Is choking to death on something and it is making a hell of show, claws and howling. For some reason I have to help it and I'm pooping my pants. When I finally get close to it I start massaging its belly and this pacifies it. It starts wretching and regurgitates a runty piglet? Its fully formed and quite content and has a few teeth including a silver one at the front.

Dream 2. I am trying to leave my house, I'm struggling, like someone dehydrated in a desert. I get to the second room from my front door and a lady I work with is there with some children. I ask her for help and she says no, she has to look after the ones she already has. I carry on and make it to the front door and open it just as I collapse. Four people enter. One is a man but I can't see his face, he's wearing a green shirt, like a medicine man. I'm lying on the floor. He has a long spoon and he needs to put it down my throat to save me. He is gentle and caring. The three people behind I can't see but they are goading me, saying 'she won't do it' etc. I feel I need to trust him and I can right up to the point its about to work. Then I bottle it.


Reality- There is a man I met. I like him a lot. I've never felt so at home with anybody. I've never wanted to talk to someone so much or valued their opinion so much. I'm scared.

We went out for a month last year. I was ill at the time and didn't know it. He was in the first year of starting his own business with a friend. He broke it off. I didn't want to stop seeing him but I had severe vitamin d deficiency and needed to look after my health. I also didn't know at the time what was wrong with me and I was scared.

I sent some awkward emails/texts trying to scrabble back/hold onto the situation as It deteriorated. CRINGE.

Town is quite small and we have bumped into each other on a couple of occasions. It's never gone well. I'm jumpy when I'm nervous and I think he's quite shy.

I think he freaked out because when I met him I'd just finally finished a work project and was wondering what to do next. People at work think I should do the whole big career thing, phd, London. But I'm a softy, always have been. I used to like to pretend I could talk to animals and wanted to help that guy in front of the tank in tianaman square (I was 8).

I'm tired of all the bluster. But I'm scared of him seeing me and I don't even know if I'd just be making even more of a fool of myself.

How can you feel love for someone you only knew for three weeks? I always wanted to build a life for myself then find someone. But my life is what it is, I can't wait around hoping that I work away my imperfections.

I feel sick. :sick: What are you supposed to do in this situation?
 
But hang on? Didn't you say that he broke it off?

Does that mean that you want to go for it anyway, despite feeling all these fears, that you want to try and make something of it second time around perhaps?

It doesn't sound like the contact you have had with him since he broke it off has been too promising in the way of him wanting to be with you again? Sorry to sound pessimistic, but I'm having trouble being clear about what you are asking here?

Do you want to know how to handle the feelings you are having, or are you wanting to be encouraged into rising above all the fear and trying to win him back?

Oh and, I have a Vitamin D deficiency at the moment as well...it sucks. Hayfever as well.
 
Yes, vitamin D deficiency here as well. (Sorry, tangent, I know) My doctor is pretty much useless. I sort of mega-dosed today and finally feel a bit better. Her recommendation was getting me nowhere. At least google says that I'm not in danger of toxicity, lol.

As for the other issue, sometimes its hard to let go of a relationship, even if you only knew the person for a very short time. I've had a hard time letting go of people I only knew as friends for a few weeks. (I would have loved "more" but he never considered me as I was not of his faith.)

Am I picking up on the vibe that you feel the need to be "more" before getting into a relationship? Maybe I'm reading into this waay too much, as that's how I've felt in the past. I thought I needed to be more than what I was, what I am in order for someone to want to be with me. Fortunately, there are good people out there who accept you as is, and can see that you're on a journey and will continue to heal and improve. (Sorry if I'm off here, as I don't fully understand what you're saying.)
 
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