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Relationship Advice Or Tips During Rough Times

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Adriftatsea

Hi All,

So, my husband and I's life is turned upside down right now.

A little background. My husband suffers from CPTSD due to trauma all the way from childhood through early adulthood (I know it's not in the DSM 5) and was officially diagnosed about 2 years ago after his PTSD finally consumed and broke him. Before then he had been diagnosed over the past 10 years with anxiety, depression, OCD and ADHD. The past 2 years have been especially rough on him (unable to work, unable to really function day to day and it's only seemed to have gotten worse, moved into a new house we realized was not healthy for him, etc) and fully realizing how his past is effecting him today. He did find a therapist to work with and started EMDR; however, had to stop because he was becoming so triggered she felt it was dangerous to continue until the triggers became a little less consuming (I think is how I'm trying to word it).

We had talked about moving for 6+ months and decided to act on it, weighing pros/cons. His family being a trigger, not a lot of services/help for PTSD where we live, minimal family support here, trying to find a PTSD friendly medical marijuana state (please don't judge as he is not a 'dope head or pot head' and it really relieves his nightmares, allows his brain to slow down enough to really process thoughts/ideas he has, helps him sleep, and really just feel more 'normal' without the side effects of bigpharma), and a place that has a little more sunshine.

Well we got our house sold, had job interviews/opportunities lined up for me, and moved and were excited to start making some new memories and for him to be able to focus on himself for a while without all the triggers of where we were before and trying to make new friends. The move ended up bad because of another medical issue and we came back home because we still had insurance here to get him medical treatment. Now we're completely destabilized (I know this is very, very bad for him and us), living with my mother-in-law, and trying to figure out how to go forward from here. So we completely went the opposite way of what we were hoping to accomplish.

Talking about moving forward and debating on moving away again or staying here we just keep going in circles. His anxiety is through the roof (have an appt to try to get some meds to help), he goes between a freeze and flight mode primarily. I know we've already maybe a huge mistake and it's about moving forward and I'm especially terrified about making the wrong decision for us and for him. If we move, I know it will be extremely hard on him until we get more stabilized and could take him months (if he doesn't decide to just run/flight mode before that) and on the other hand, I know staying here, there's more triggers, bad memories, etc. And I know the saying "you are where you go." Just so frustrating trying to decide should we stay, should we go and with him going back and fourth it's difficult to feel like I'm making the right decision for us.

Everyday I see the toll it's taking on him and I'm not sure how to be a better supporter right now. Just wondering if anybody has any wisdom, advice, experiences, etc that they could share.

Sorry it started to get rambling...
 
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It's evident that you care for him very much. I'm not sure how much of the decision making process he'll be able to participate in. His anxiety might be calling the shots. When that happens, even the smallest of steps seem like a huge mountain to climb.

I have never moved during the worst of times. I'm not sure what that is like. This one is a toughy. I personally would not move during strong symptoms of PTSD. I can see just going to the grocery store being a challenge in a new environment.

Have you thought of taking a long holiday? At least two weeks somewhere? As a way to find out if a change of environment is what is needed? I don't know if 2 weeks is long enough for him to find out. Best of luck to you.
 
I have moved whilst in treatment , and it was not the best thing to do. However it all depends on where your moving to. And in all seriousness this is the biggest factor. If you move into a high traffic , high population area, then it will affect you even more. If its the opposite, you move to a low key place with a nice environment etc then it makes all the difference. This does not mean you will not suffer from stress and anxiety, you will , that comes with the move. But a nice environment makes all the difference. Now if you want a ptsd medical marijuana state, then i would suggest New Mexico...having lived there i can honestly say i cried when i left as it was truly a state of enchantment, you have a great medical marijuana system there with really cool people and the environment itself is stunning...
 
I think that no matter what you do, its going to get worse before it gets better. That is, you should perhaps make a plan to move forward with full knowledge that things will get worse, but hold on to the notion that tomorrow will be better because of the changes you are making today.

I can pretty much tell you right now that he's not going to get better while in a triggering environment. He's constantly working on putting out fires instead of working on long term healing.
 
I totally agree with solara.I moved when I was at my all time lowest, but knew I had to as my environment played a big part. It took time, seemed to be swapping old stressors and triggers for new ones but persevered. It certainly did get worse before it got better but made myself aware that could happen...this did help in coping with it.
 
Sorry I'm just now replying back.

Thanks for the info/advice. And I agree and realize this Solara. We definitely know things are going to get worse for a while before they start to get better and even then we'll still have our ups and downs. Just so hard to go ourselves in a better place when we really have no support here and his anxiety is just outta control right now. We went to his dr and she ended up giving him some xanax to help get him down off that 'cliff' a little, but started him on remeron. He's very sensitive to medications and already after day 2, he's woken up with nausea, feels floaty in his head, been very dizzy and just overall like shit (more than how he normally feels).

Some days we just talk our selves in circles and another day we'll really have solid decision and then we'll wake up in the morning and it's back to indecision. And again it's tough that if I get a job somewhere I feel would be a better place for us, to really make the decision and for me to say lets go when even though he has PTSD, he's still half the relationship and it's not like I can force him to make the move or not make the move.

Anyways. I appreciate everything you all had to say.

Hope everyone had a good enough Christmas! We almost had a good one until my mother started in on where we should move (she's being very selfish in not wanting us to move further than a 3-4 hour comfortable drive for her and not being supportive for us).
 
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