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Always Making Sacrificing And Getting Hurt In The End

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Zurrealx98

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So today one of my students (I volunteer as a teachers assistant at my mosque's Sunday school) told me that an older man follows her home from school regularly. I asked her to tell me more and someone even kissed her. As a sexual abuse survivor this was deeply distressing so I told her that she's not in trouble but that I need to tell her mom for her safety. I told the principle and my liaison. After school we waited for her mom to come and told her everything. Since I was the one the girl talked to, I had to stay behind and my mom (who is physically and emotionally abusive) was angry that she had to wait 20 minutes. Once I'm done, she proceeds to yell at me in the parking lot in front of people about how I'm a terrible bitch. She also hit me a few times when we got in the car. She knew why I had to stay back and didn't care. "Don't you know I'm sick? Why are you always favoring others. You're going to have to answer to God when you die. The older you get the more misbehaved you become." And she just goes on for like 45 minutes telling me to get out of her car and that I'm not her daughter. It's just such an exaggerated response. Everyday it's something new.

And it's so frustrating bc I'm always having to make sacrifices for others and then get in trouble in the end. For example, my sister has mental health issues and cannot stand to be near my older brother. So whenever she visits we don't want him to come bc he'll just exacerbate her issues. So my dad asks me to lie and say that we aren't home (bc I'm the only one in the family who still tries to reach out to him regularly). My mom called him later that night asking why he wouldn't visit when my sisters in town and he told her that I said we weren't home. She ofc decides to yell at and hit me again calling me a liar and a terrible person.

And everyone is so worried about taking care of my sister that I'm always having to make sacrifices for her too. I have my own mental health issues so the fact that I'm constantly having to do stuff for her and take care of her is so frustrating. My dad is always pushing me to help her and put her first when he knows I was sexually abused and have issues bc of that already. On top of that I'm so stressed with school and work. I don't have a choice tho bc I have to work to help my dad pay the bills. It just feels like I'm making sacrifices left and right and never get a single thank you or any concern. I just always say I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine so everyone just rolls with it and puts me on the back burner. My siblings don't know that I was sexually abused and for the most part don't know the extent of my moms abuse to me (besides the one brother who doesn't live with us). So they also have such high expectations of me. And if I'm in a bad mood or angry it's uncalled for. The thing is even when I am angry or sad I don't yell or scream or cry. But the fact that I'm not smiling is enough to get them on my case. It's just so frustrating.

Thanks to anyone who read this. Sorry about grammar or if anything didn't make sense. I'm just so angry I can't think straight
 
Wow. That sounds like my life until I moved out... Not exactly, but I spent most of my life until I was 20 running around and helping everyone without even a thank you.

I totally understand the anger, its exhausting to give you all you have got, and get nothing in return. I know this sounds very harsh, but is there any way you can get out? Even just live with a friend or something for a bit, so you are not in direct contact all the time? I never realised how much of a drain it was on me until I moved out, sometimes for your own sanity, no matter how 'important' it may be for you around it is just as important to get out.

Sorry, I don't know if that was very helpful, I am guessing if you are at school it can be very hard to get out, but just hold on to the fact that one day you will be able to, and it will feel like a yoke was lifted from your neck!

I really want to be more helpful, but in all honesty when you are living with that stuff every day it's hard to not get drawn into it. Feel free to rant on here as much as you need to!!! Sometimes just writing it down helps a lot. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life? I am guessing if your family is struggling enough for money at the moment a T is out of the question :(.

Sending you many virtual hugs, and I hope things get a little easier soon! :hug:
 
Actually I do have a therapist because my university offers free counseling. And yes, writing it down is very cathartic. I also have a friend who I can talk to about this stuff because she also has a similar situation. Unfortunately, moving is out of the question. I just don't know how my dad would manage without me. I mean he needs money and he would go crazy if left alone with my mom. He wants to divorce her anyways, he's just waiting for my brother and his fiancé to get married so she can't ruin it somehow. She ruined my sisters engagement once (long story) so we can't risk it. Once he gets married we can get rid of her but until then I just need to manage. Also since I am of Pakistani background, young children moving out before marriage is not normal and trying to do so would be such a hassle and stressor for the rest of my family. Thanks for all of the concern. I hope all of y'all are doing well
 
So today one of my students (I volunteer as a teachers assistant at my mosque's Sunday school) told...
Sounds like you are in the family of hell. My only advice would be to get out while you can.

Aaaaaand, whenever a victim comes forward I never ever get involved in their personal matters. It is way too tricky out there. There are moms who are prostituting their own daughters with no mercy. You can tell by the obvious behavior of such girls already what they are doing.

Furthermore, there are plenty of criminals who will use their own kids as bait to get you involved in their messed up (whatever they call the kind of lifestyle they have, a life it ain't).

No way would I ever ever get involved, I would advise for a victim to call the police, that is all I would do. You would be surprised to learn that there are many many girls out there who are already living that kind of life. If a child is crying and complaining I would not do anything other than call the cops and lock my doors. That is their job. There are way too many sickos out there who are using their own kids in a desperate attempt to free themselves.....

May sound harsh, but that is survival out there.....
 
First of all, kudos to you for reporting the sexual assault incident(s) that the student endured. You took critical action that will hopefully protect that student.

Your family is awful. I'm so sorry. My heart really goes out to you. I'm concerned for you, and the lack of protection for your basic safety.
Once I'm done, she proceeds to yell at me in the parking lot in front of people about how I'm a terrible bitch. She also hit me a few times when we got in the car.
I want to pause here and call this for what it is: assault and battery. She could go to jail for doing this. All the times she has done this, including the handful of times you describe her doing this in this post, is criminal assault and battery. It is domestic violence. You are currently enduring on-going trauma. Right now. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
On top of that I'm so stressed with school and work. I don't have a choice tho bc I have to work to help my dad pay the bills.
You had zero choice as a child. You learned to survive by putting everyone's needs above your own.

You talk about everyone requiring you to sacrifice so much, and it is completely unfair they do so, especially with zero gratitude. They want you to believe and feel like you have no other choice, and it's just not true. You do have a choice now. Right now, you are choosing to put his financial comfort over your physical needs for safety, just like them. You ask so much of yourself. You have internalized your toxic's family message that you are responsible for so much, when that's just not true either.

Your family is toxic and really dysfunctional, and you are falling into being their caretakers. This isn't actually helpful for them. I know they say they need you to do this, but they are wrong. You are absolutely not responsible for them, and by trying to take on so much responsibility for them, you may be crossing over into enabling them to stay stuck and continue being violent without facing any consequences for it, and thus never getting the real help they need to get better.

You are not responsible for their violence, but you are responsible for you. Now that you are an adult, you are responsible for your safety.

What are you doing to keep you safe?
Unfortunately, moving is out of the question. I just don't know how my dad would manage without me. I mean he needs money and he would go crazy if left alone with my mom.
This might sound hard, but maybe it's time to consider letting that happen. Or letting the engagement get screwed up. There will always be SOMETHING your father can use as an excuse to not divorce his wife. Chances are, your mother has been this way for a long time, and he's had one reason or another to not walk away. Right now, all his kids help enable things to stay as they are.

Maybe by letting thing fall apart, it is the only way your family will finally get to a point where your dad and mom will get help to stop the violence. I understand that from your background it's really uncommon for children to move out prior to being married, and that it would stress people out to do something different.

But what if that path was the way for someone to finally see, just like you did with that child today, that something is wrong here, someone is in danger, and the situation needs outside intervention?
I'm just so angry I can't think straight
You have good reason to be angry. I would be more concerned if you didn't feel angry at all. Anger is a sign that a boundary has been crossed or something of value is threatened. Much of your anger might be a very valid fight or flight survival mechanism that is firing up in response to this on-going trauma and violence you are enduring, and is there because that anger wants to motivate you to take action to protect you.

If moving out is not something you are willing to consider, then please talk to your therapist about other options to be safe. It's not ok to be hit and emotionally abused like you are enduring on a fairly regular basis.

Just like that student you helped, you deserve to be safe too. I'm sure you will agree that the student should not sacrifice her basic safety for the comfort and needs of that older man. The same applies to you as well.
 
You are in a very difficult position... you come across really clear how this is affecting you and you know there needs to be change.
But you also have your family customs to consider.. I do respect you for that... but hopefully there will come a time where you truly get it that you will have to leave in order to save yourself.
I do like what @Justmehere shared about there will always be something to prevent your dad from really divorcing her... that is something for you to take notice of... if he doesn't divorce her after the brother gets married.... then you are going to be in a situation that you have to make some tough choices.... I would think divorce is against your customs also... I don't know....
Happy to hear you have a counselor.... hopefully they can help you plan and carry out moving out...

I applaud you for helping that girl.... so many of us got lost in the cracks and maybe if someone like you had reached out... some of us might not be here....and those are the things you keep to honor yourself.... we don't stop helping simply because it pisses off someone else...

It sounds like an impossible situation as long as your mother is running the show... do you have anyone else that can go pick you up? Guilt is a powerful tool others use to keep us stuck... and it is a very hard one for us to overcome.. but you sound like a very aware young lady that needs support and to be heard... we are here for you....

You will at some point ask yourself if it's worth loosing yourself over.... only you can reach that point... nothing about your family dynamics is going to change... of course we don't like hearing that your mother puts her hands on you in anger.... some of us here would fight back.... and she is apparently a Narcissist, who would cause an unbelievable stink if that happened...

The tough part here for me is trying to honor your customs and yet we are all saying you need to get out.... only you can make that choice.... and deal with the guilt and fall out later... wish I had more to say in the line of helping you... other than we are here, we are listening, and we support you.... come here as often as you need to.... sometimes we have our own answers, we just have to talk it out to find them....

supporting and listening..
 
Guilt has kept me stuck in bad situations many times. I can relate to your statement that guilt is a powerful tool othes use to control us and manipulate us and keep us stuck.....
 
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