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Am I Being a Bitch? Straining Our Marriage!

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Jen, Nov 30, 2006.

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  1. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi I am starting to think I am losing my feelings towards hubby he likes to cuddle, hold hands, kiss on the cheek. I can do without this. He mentioned last night that I dont touch him anymore I am finding it a struggle.
    I dont want to think I am falling out of love after 25 years of marriage.
    Why am I feeling like this?
    Jen
     
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  3. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jen

    Sorry you are feeling that way at the moment.
    Just some food for thought-maybe the toughen skin we have acquired has put you in a self protection mode. We tend to toughen up to all the shit that has been thrown at us during the bad times. Maybe we get scared to get to intimate when they are feeling better & more up to it because if we let our guard down & think that there is that sign of the "old" them we will find it hard to deal with them when they come crashing down again.
    Or maybe your just too tired & can't be buggered!
     
  4. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jods I think you are right I thought that to. I think deep down there is some hurt there because of the way he was treating me at the start of the year with his emotional abuse he seems to have the remorse there for that but my memory is still pretty good.
    And yep I am bloody tired!
    Thanks Jen
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Your now honestly treading on thin ice here Jen, and I say that because in one breathe you want him to get better, but the other you don't want to leave the past in the past. This is a normal problem with relationships that are beginning to progress from PTSD. The sufferer has abused the spouse so much emotionally, that when they do get on top of their shit, the spouse then rejects their efforts because the remorse kicks in, the spite for all the bad and so forth. What happens? From our own experience, and that of others discussed, we the sufferers say screw it, and we go back to our original habits, instead of progressing forward.

    It took kerrie some time in order to learn, let go and live in the now, not in the past, if she wanted me to get better. If she didn't want me to get better, then it was easy enough for me to sit back in the way I was, instead of trying to become that better person.

    A spouse can hold a sufferer back because of spite from the past, and that is an issue that the spouse must be counselled over uniquely, because coming forward for the sufferer, means the spouse must leave behind the past, forgive and move on. If they don't, then they can't have the spouse they have been fighting for for so long. Its a double edged sword, believe me. You want him to get better, to be better towards you, be a better husband, a better man, but doing so means that as he does move forward, you must embrace it, acknowledge it, and not use the past against him.

    As a spouse, you must make a decision. You either want the improved version with PTSD in control, or you want to leave things as they are. Spouses become so used to the way things are, when a sufferer does want too / is ready to move forward, the spouse drags them back by bringing up the past.

    I apologised to kerrie for being the way I was with PTSD in control, but that wasn't good enough, and she lived in the past when I was ready to move forward, so hence I stayed put for some time, until she finally realized that for me to move forward, she must also, and both leave the past as the past, learn from it, but enjoy the what the new future brings with PTSD under a bit more control.

    Holding hands and so forth Jen, is not only a way for him to say sorry, but it helps him know you support his move forward. Both must move forward at once for the relationship to get better... it is that simple.
     
  6. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Oh Anthony that made so much sense. I needed to be told that not realising that I may be stopping his progression by not showing any affection towards him. I really need to have a good look at what I am doing and try harder. At the moment it seems really hard but I need to try and get over this bump.
    Thanks again Jen!
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Jen, it is hard, because we the suffer put spouses through so much crap, its just not funny, and you know from experience. It is hard for both parties, one fighting PTSD, one fighting emotional abuse the entire time. Both must heal at once and move together, otherwise either effort falls over.

    When kerrie is better and back online, she would certainly be the best too ask, as it took a huge kick in the arse from herself to realize this, understand it, and both of us move in unison, not one, not the other, both at the same time in regard to the relationship aspect. Both can heal uniquely in many areas, but the actual relationship must be a joint effort.
     
  8. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Anthony when you say a kick in the arse from Kerri was it like an ultimatum as to save the marriage you had to get your act together? Hope this isnt to personal.
    I am just wondering if I talk to him and tell him he needs to be patient with me.( Is this what he needs to hear?)
    I think he would love me to jump into his open arms.
    I will try but not just yet I really do need time.
    I hope Kerri is getting better wish her all the best and I hope bub is well.
    Jen
     
  9. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Sorry, what I meant was, kerrie had to kick herself in the arse in order to see the only way forward for us both. I knew what she had to do in order for me to move forward, but she wanted to live in the past constantly, so I stopped as I could not move forward with the past in my face daily.
     
  10. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Gee lucky I read that Anthony you just saved someone from getting his arse kicked!
    I see I need to do some thinking and readjusting here. I have a spouses session this arvo might learn a bit there to?
    Jen
     
  11. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jen

    Good luck with the session today.
    The way I think of this with my hubby is I'm "dating" & getting to know a new man. Although we have a past together it's never going to be the way it was, so I've got to get to know this new man that is in my hubby's skin.
    Let's face it, we aren't the same either so they have to get use to the new version of what we've become as a result of dealing with this.
    Maybe another trip away could be good for you both-minus the speeding fine!
     
  12. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    I agree with you Jods,
    I feel as if my hubby and i are dating :( i dont like it but thats the way it has to be i guess....
    as for feelings....i guess its the other way around in my situation.... My hubby is the one who is not affectionate with me and i feel as if we dont connect romantically anymore because of the way he is not because of my feelings changing (i want to cuddle and hold hands, and he wants nothing to do with it at the moment) its so confusing.........
     
  13. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your replies. On advice from the counsellor yesterday I sat with hubby last night and had a heart to heart I said to him I can see he is going ahead with this clinic and I am proud of him. I said that I appreciate that he is showing affection towards me but he needs to be really patient with me as I am still hurting. That was really hard for me to tell him that he had hurt me. We both had tears but Anne ( counsellor) said I had to be honest with him and now is the time to tell him as he is learning on the clinic about different emotions and feelings. Whereas she said I still have a lot of anger there. We got through that ok and I do feel some relief that I told him about the hurt.
     
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