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Am I Falling Into A Newer Trap While Trying To Get Out Of The Older One?

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J_trustno1

MyPTSD Pro
Here is a big problem. It may seem ridiculous to some of you. But I feel I am setting myself up for no good.

You guys are most likely to know my age anyway as I have posted it earlier (anyway 26). So the culture I come from the girls start getting married from the age of 20 on words. My age is kinda considered the lower end (their end point is 27-28). I know it is ridiculous, right?

Well, this what has happened on Friday:

I went to their house after several months (i.e. the abusers). I know that they are jealous of me because of my education and my fitness. So to make me feel bad about myself they have to bring in something that I don't have to belittle me! Anyway, I went to that house on Good Friday because we were invited for lunch.

My mum's brother's ex-wife was there. She was asking me what I was doing after completing my study. So I told her that i was looking for a job. She recommended me to work in retail as if I asked for her opinion. Anyway, I told her that I have a qualification in science and that too in chemistry so I will be looking for a job that is in my profession. Then the discussion moved onto antidepressants. She told me that she takes Fluxoteine so I told that i take Paroxetine but due to PMS it doesn't work during that last week. So she started telling me that she never had any emotional downfall, all she had was cramps on the first day of the period. I told her that i get bad cramps on the first day too. Then I told her that my mum's cramps stopped when she had me. She tell me, "you need to have a baby to stop cramps". I tried ignoring her statement. Then I told her that when my mum got married her cramps also lowered. Guess what she tell me. She told me that there is this place A in this city where people of my culture are so I should go there to get a service from them. In other words, I should go and sleep around to stop the cramps. Which really pissed me off!!

Now going back to my second paragraph. Since her daughter is married at the age of 21.( Note: her daughter left high school to do a foundation course. She was sent to private school where they paid a lot for a year to get her into high class degrees which never happened! She had boyfriends at the age of 13 on words.)
I know that it is none of my business but I was made to feel shit about myself for being single and jobless. Every time I meet these people, I am made to feel inadequate based on things I don't have yet, it can range from having a smartphone, drivers license, education, dreams, low financial status and now having no partner.

That comment has been stuck in my mind that I about to fall into the same trap of proving others wrong like I did by losing 20 kgs and then killing myself to get masters degree over depression and ptsd. My culture is famous for arranged marriages and I have told my mother to find someone so that I can get out this house. The reason I am not moving out yet because of my high vulnerability and being emotionally unstable. Now, I am seeing marriage as a way to get out of this current city so that i don't see these toxic relatives. I am falling into a trap of marriage to prove others wrong again (which is wrong!!) having known that I am no where near a relationship. I'm not ready for sex and what will i do on the day I have it?

Lastly, having gone to drivers lesson yesterday with my brother has destroyed me too where each time he calls me stupid and idiot for not listening to people. He told me that i get into trouble because I don't want to listen! He finds faults in me and always tells me who goes to the drive with a sister or to the beach. Now to move away from them I am creating another mess!


Gosh!! I'm really going to ruin my future if I have one!! Can some wise people tell me what hell I am about to do right now as my brain is all over the place! I've been crying and not sleeping because of what people are saying to me. Peoples comments get each time and they f*ck up my psychology very well.
 
When I, personally, am feeling my insecurities, I begin going into tailspins that can keep me dizzy and afraid of the future, no matter which way I spin it. I read volumes into the most casual of conversations. Job hunting is quite enough to produce this effect in me, all by itself. "Less is better" is my favorite mantra during these phases. I would try to stay focused on the job hunt and shuffle the rest off to the side as stuff to sort later. Emphasis on "try". It is nothing easy and I go easy on myself when it keeps running circles in my mind. I am only human, after all.

Hope you get that position in your chosen profession. I am rooting for you!
 
Jess, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now. It sounds to me like you are falling back in to old patterns of thinking and feeling, probably due to your recent exposure/interactions with your abusers.

I'm going to be blunt with this next statement, but I mean absolutely no disrespect so please don't take it as an insult in any way. But, what else do you expect from the people you identify as your abusers, than more insults and judgement, and attempts to make you feel bad about yourself? You have made huge steps to better yourself, you've gone to school and obtained your masters - despite what you've been through. These people are probably jealous and resentful for their own unhealthy reasons, and are only attempting to tear you down to their level. Don't allow them to do that!! So what if you haven't found a job yet? So what of you're still living with your parents? You absolutely do not need to seek out some unwanted or arranged marriage, for any reason. If marriage is something you want in your future, that's great, but let it happen when it's supposed to happen - once you meet and fall in love.

I don't know where you live, but if you are desperate to get away and to a different city, perhaps you would consider getting a temporary job where you could earn and save the money you would need to allow yourself to move away, and then pursue a job in the field in which you hold a degree. Or search for a job in your field in a city you'd like to live - many companies allow for relocation expenses and would actually pay for you to move to their location.

Just some thoughts and ideas. But please don't let your abusers convince you that you are not good enough or don't deserve the things you're working so hard for.

I hope I haven't been too harsh with anything I've said here, it certainly wasn't my intention.

:)
 
Sit down and make a plan. It could involve finding a job, moving out, etc. Without a plan we're just sort of out there hoping things will get better on their own, but the thing is that they hardly ever do.

Stay away from these toxic people as much as possible. They all just bring you down and it's definitely having a negative effect on you.

And whatever you do, don't enter into an arranged marriage. I think that will only make you spiral even deeper into the abyss rather than help you. No, arranged marriage is not the answer.
 
@TimeToHeal : I am with you on that. What you have said is very right. It's just that I falling in the same vicious cycle again. I had lost sleep since Friday and my brothers comments weren't any good. I couldn't eat much or sleep well. On top of it I was constantly crying. I am not safe to travel alone. I was almost raped last year so I am not feeling safe to leave the house right now. I'm not in a good condition with self esteem. I am going to look for a job right now.

@arfle : you are right. Job comes first.
 
Good for you, Jess. :)

I also think something in your own comment above points directly to what you need t to work on first and foremost - your own stability and emotional wellbeing.

I'm sorry if you've started this before and I just don't recall but, are you currently in therapy? If not, is this an option for you? If you are, I would suggest bringing these goals to your therapist. Gives you something quite attainable to work towards.

Hang in there, you're doing great. :)
 
Aww thanks @TimeToHeal . No I'm not currently in therapy. I can't afford it due to being unemployed. That is why i desperately need a job right now so I can sort myself out before even getting into a relationship or else it will be a disaster for sure. I can't jump into a relationship for the sake of proving others wrong. I'm sick of it. However, I don't mind talking to a guy and getting to know him well before even thinking of that arranged marriage crap. Even if my mother comes up with a guy, I will have to see his personality. It will take me a long time before going for him.
 
I agree on the job being your priority. Then you'll be able to live independently and pay for therapy. The last thing you need is to be getting married at the moment - to anyone, least of all an arranged marriage. Your mother's judgment has been so wrong for you in so many ways; don't entrust such an important decision to her, if you can avoid it. I know it is doubly difficult to step outside your cultural practices, but maybe some day, you'll meet a lovely guy from a similar background and you'll have no problems in that arena.

Please, though, whatever you do, take a job a looooooong way away from your family, so that you can see them, if at all, only when you want to do so.

Best of luck with the job hunting. Aim high and be confident in your abilities. That you have got yourself a masters in such a tough discipline after all you've been going through says you are one strong lady. In therapy, later, you can work on all of those negative belief systems that allow you at the moment to believe the criticisms aimed at you by your abusers and family. I'm having to work on this so hard, even though I am not in touch with my family at the moment. It is hard enough without their interference; with it, it would be impossible. Go for it, girl!
 
No I'm not currently in therapy. I can't afford it due to being unemployed
In New Zealand you can access free mental health services via community mental health. There you can see a counsellor or psychologist for therapy, a psychiatrist for diagnoses/medication and they often run CBT or DBT workshops or workshops for dealing with anxiety etc...

You can do a self referral by going into your local centre or can get your gp to refer you.

Also check out local women's centres, they often have friendship or support groups that you might find useful. There's a good one local to me, but I'm not sure where you're located in NZ. Do a google search anyway and see what comes up.

having gone to drivers lesson yesterday with my brother has destroyed me too

I would avoid having any more lessons with your brother. Learning to drive is hard enough without him making it harder by stressing you out. Maybe wait until you're more settled. Another option you might consider is getting an automatic licence, which means you can only drive automatics, but the plus side is that they are a lot easier to learn to drive than a manual. (That's just my opinion tho, I don't drive at all due to anxiety but automatics decrease that anxiety to a level I can almost cope with).

Also in NZ, if you have a learners licence then you can legally drive a moped/scooter (as long as it's under 100cc I think?). That might be an easier, quicker option if you want the independence of having your own transport as they make it easy to get around town. Just can't use them on the motorway (or rather, you're not supposed to but I know people who do).

There is a lot of help out there. It does take some digging to find it sometimes, and a lot of courage to ask for help.
 
@Mayday : Thanks for the reply. Yes I have applied for ACC sensitive claims. However, they only pay $81 for per session but I will have to pay them remainder which can range from $30 - $60. Having no job makes it harder to pay this amount. I don't want to ask my mother to pay for this as she is suffering from her own financial issues. That is why i am waiting for a job. Secondly, I am going to my GP on Monday and asking her to set me up for the couseling sessions they have at their clinic. I couldn't go earlier because of transport I think I need to have them because of how I was suffering this entire month. I had elevated anxiety resulting in me menstruating a week earlier + lack of sleep + lack of hunger + crying spells + PMS with all that emotional stress and many more. So I have already decided to see my doctor on coming Monday. Thanks for point it out though. It seems you also live in NZ. Glad to meet you :)
 
Secondly, I am going to my GP on Monday and asking her to set me up for the couseling sessions they have at their clinic
That's good! She can also refer you to the community mental health service. I know with my GP, I could have got therapy through their clinic, but they could only provide 12 sessions, which wasn't going to be enough, so I went with the community mental health instead. I'll be honest, the first few people I saw through them were terrible, however my current T is fantastic. I've been seeing her weekly for about 9 months now.

Yeah, I'm in New Zealand too...kia ora! and kia kaha :)
 
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