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Am I Going Overboard?

Discussion in 'General' started by jade, Dec 16, 2006.

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  1. jade

    jade Active Member

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    I have a situation that hasn't really been delt with yet. Approx. two and a half years into my marriage my hub fathered a child with another woman. Didn't find out until two days before he was arrested. I was hurt, enraged, and humiliated all at the same time. I felt that this woman took away my right to give my husband his first daughter as he already had two boys prior to our marriage. It was my right as his wife to bare his children and in one drunken night it was taken from me. As my luck goes I happened to know her. Another bit of bad luck is she has the same name as my sister. I can't even say my sisters name without a bitter taste in my mouth. Anyway by the time he found out he had another child he was arrested and it was put on the back burner.

    It was a little over a month ago when my hub. mom e-mailed him to let him know that his daughter wanted to meet him. Evidently she is a very sad and lonely girl. When he borached the subject with me all the put away thoughts and feelings came back to the surface. I went down hill and fast. I don't want anything to do with this and do not want my childern involved. He had his first visist and said he wanted to bring her up to the house. I immediatly came back with absolutly not!!
    It is not our fault she is unhappy her mom knew that he was married. She needed to think the consequences through. My mother in law wasn't much help either. When we first found out about K. my hubs mom thought it would be great if this other woman and I could become friends because this other woman didn't have any. She also thought that the kids should be together. I very plainly told her that she was nucking-futs. There was no way I was going to be friende with this person and it was unfair for anyone to expect me to.
    Now at present I don't know if my husband has seen her again or not he won't tell me cause he knows it will set me off. I don't know what is worse knowing he is seeing her or not knowing and letting my mind take over.

    This is not good either. It wasn't until he came home from jail that he told me his whole history. As I mentioned before he has two older boys. We were able to see the boys for a short time then on christmas she decided that our visits were over. Only to find out the only reason we got to see them in the first place was because he slept with her prior to us getting to see the kids. So you know what my first question was when this new stiuation occurred. Old habits die hard I guess.

    Anyway am I being too hard on him for this or is it common? Any feed back will help>
     
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Hi Jade (I have a freind named Jade here, so everytime I read your posts, I see that sweet girls face, LOL)

    Two things: First you have the right to question him. He hasn't earned your trust now has he? In order to earn your trust, he has to be "transparent." That means he always has an honest answer that can be backed up and checked up. It also means you have to ask questions and be open to the answers. Two way street.

    Second thing: You are punishing an innocent child. I realize that there are many issues behind the daughters birth, however, those are your issues not hers, not your kids. It's not her fault she was born. It's not her fault who her parents are or under what circumstances she came about. It is not her fault. She is a child and deserves to know her dad and her siblings. PERIOD. In fact, it is her right. No, you do not have to be freinds with the mother (being civil would be nice for the sake of the child) and yes, you do have a right to put up boundries. But refusing to allow the child to have a relationship with her siblings is cruel, unfair, and wrong. You, even as a parent, do not have the right to do that to her or your own children.

    I realize this is a difficult situation and very hard to sort out. I would suggest looking for alternative solutions. Let the children (yours) go with the Dad and meet her somewhere (a playground, McDonalds, what ever) start little here. No, you do not have to allow your children to go to the "other" woman's house. Like I said, set boundries. Make it public places to start. Work your way into accepting this child's existence before having her in your house. Make sure you do NOT take out hearing about it on your children or this child. Also, attempt to understand that your husband has the right to know and love this child. Don't attack him for that. You and your husband need to work through the infidelity issue seperately from these children. It's not their problem or fault, so stop holding everyone else responsible. Look into counseling for yourself, to work through your anger, hurt, betrayal and distrust and consider marriage counselling with your husband to work through these same issues together. ( I would suggest you first, then marriage counselling secondly.)

    I am not slamming you here. This is a common reaction to these types of situations. With all those emotions and memories floating around, it's very difficult to sort out who should be getting the reactions from it. Just keep in mind that children don't pick their parents or how they came about.

    Bec
     
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