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Am I Going Too Fast/doing Too Much Too Fast?

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lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
So likely no one is really gonna be able to answer this. I just keep hearing/seeing "slow down" but I dont want to; now that the blame has shifted and I have room to move, to work this out, untangle my brain, to get better and I very badly I want to but Im wondering if, even if I dont see or feel it yet, if its gonna catch up to me and hit me like a train sending me tailspinning out of control.

So for those that have not a clue what Im refering too. I was given this image of changing my core beliefs (the cult's beliefs), my way of being in the world and interacting with others as like moving sand on a beach, one grain at a time. But the biggest wall thay was around my "beach" and the entire reason I couldnt get anywhere was I carried the full blame of my entire past, it was all "my fault" and that shifted to where it needs to be (on my abusers/cult leaders) about a week and a half ago; but i didnt know where to start. How to drill down "im bad" or "sex equals love" to something smaller and something I could work with; some great people here got me a starting point; how i would love a child if i could have one. So i posted about that in my diary. Was unsure of where to go with that, and still am, or how to apply that to me; since in my head im "lower than" or "other"; so im working on that; my first or most narrowed down core belief i could get to.

At the same time, i always felt that i need to grieve my inner child, an inner "being" i can feel and more so since the blame has shifted and so im working on doing that.

At the same time, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, (an emotional roller coaster) something I was quickly diagnosed with and I think I forgot about being on a site mainly about PTSD, which Im also dignosed with. But having BPD has shape most of not all of my interactions here and in the world; so my therapist had me buy the book The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for learning Mindfullness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotional Regulation, & Distress Tolerance and I got that on Saturday and on Chapter 2, i worked on it Saturday after work and tonight after work, took a break last night to write the poem to my inner child:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dear-little-me.59204/

Remember, Im doing all of this at the same time but they are all different.

Oh and I do plan on (havent yet) watching Simply's post on getting "Super Better" which Im hearing will help me apply the DMT to my real life.

So Im trying to build on or figure out how to apply to me or even move the "grain of sand"; my core beliefs; how i would love a child if i had one, working on the DMT workbook, gonna watch "Super Better" to help me apply DMT in real life and trying to grieve my inner child all at the same time. I know we are suppose to work on one distoration at a time but all of these things are all in different.

I guess what Im asking is, does this seem like it will all come together and compliment each other, one help the other, all build on each other or does it seem im doing too much too fast and I should just pick one and go with it?

Im not feeling too overwhemled, yet, I am eating better (which was an issue for a while) but still not as Im supposed to and I think that it was the blame shift that caused that. It opened a flood and storm of new emotions and thoughts and causing constant nightmares and that hit me hard, but it was before all of what im doing now. My mood isnt any worse than usual (if anything its seeming to be just a little better; but dont think its the DMT workbook, not that far into it yet) and the book is giving me some time off the site, an issue I had; to be alone with these new thoughts and emotions.

But other than the DMT workbook, I feel so strong inside that i need to figure out how to grieve and show love for my inner child and i need to figure out how to move this "grain of sand" and start changing my core beliefs (the cult's beliefs).

What do you think? Too much at once or will all of these things eventually come together and build on each other?
 
You seem really clear about the work you are doing and it's powerful stuff (read your other thread, wow). My sense is that no matter what you do, you will yes crash and burn and be hit by a freight train sooner or later, because trauma work is just like that. It hits you and you derail, but it's part of the necessary work. Sometimes it's possible to slow down in time, sometimes not. But if you can keep going and it is inspiring strength and insights, then keep going. If you start feeling really overwhelmed (which, unfortunately in ptsd-land can take so many different forms you might not realize it), then it is good to slow down.

It's great you are able to read the books and sit with your own thoughts in this. That's incredibly not easy. As for whether the multi approach works, it sounds like it is working well so far.

It's really good you are asking these questions and thinking about how to pace yourself.
 
If you are getting messages to slow down you really should try to do so. I know when I have taken on too much, later on, after awhile, like in 5 years, I had a total breakdown and ended up in the mental ward of a hospital! You won't to avoid that kind of thing at all costs.

Oh, and having to do with having a baby, there is a place called Paradise Galleries that sells lifelike baby dolls that you can cuddle and enjoy almost like a real baby. I ordered one and cannot wait until she arrives! She's on her way here in the mails. I even picked out a name for her: Adora, which means adoration. I can call her Dora for short. I think a Baby Doll might just allow you to slow down and take some time to nurture your mothering instincts without adding that extra bunch of things like changing diapers, feeding times at 3AM and so on!
 
Have you learnt how to ground your self?

Do you practice daily breathing?

How are you Self Soothing?

What does your daily exercise look like?

How are you working on emotional regulation?

How are you pacing your self?

Have you written down all your vulnerable points and have some emergency plans in place?

My psychiatrist suggested that I need to slow down, and I didn't listen and things didn't go so well for me.
 
My psychiatrist suggested that I need to slow down, and I didn't listen and things didn't go so well for me.

Its not my therapist that said that, if he does I will without question cause he knows me and I trust his judgement. He tends to like to keep the momentum going thus why my homework one week when he first sent me to this site was to type/talk on here more, it was working/helping.

Its something im being told on here a lot, it just made me wonder if i am going too fast or doing too much and if eventually i will crash & tailspin hard. Im ok w/ tailspins because after i generally have insite i didnt before, as long as i dont tailspin to suicide land, and thats what i am worried about, is it gonna make me tailspin that bad or will i tailspin in a lesser way. Or will it all help itself?

Have you learnt how to ground your self?
Do you practice daily breathing?


You have all great questions! Im gonna answer these 2 together.

I have, somewhat, and do but not daily. Let me explain.

I use an anxiety app called What's Up (which i can open and use more of if i need to, theres a ton more in it that i dont use) and i took the one breathing technique and the one metaphor that worked the best for me and put them together & use it, mostly at work but even now at home when fights start up, to calm my anxiety.

If that stops working as well as it does or if i need more ideas like a plan B sorta thing, theres 3 breathing exersises in it (one i cant seem to do) and a TON of metaphors & thinking patterns (the metaphors seem to help better) that i can use or add to it to help in a tailspin if i need to. Usually im past the point of knowing to even 'ground' (ive never called it that) or use the app in a tailspin, so maybe it will be good pratice to open it and read it some.

How are you Self Soothing?

That was the 2nd part of chapter 1 in the DMT book, first part being ways to distract yourself when emotions are very high. Both are (as the book stated) on 3X5 cards and in my wallet.

My Self Soothing card:

Message myself (like sore muscles or my temples.) That one sounded weird but i had to write down things i could do away from home.

Carry something soft or velvet or a soft rock in my pocket and hold it, strok or rub it, rub it on my face etc. (the smooth stone i got off the grounding therad i bookmarked from 2007)

Listen to sounds of nature (gonna look on Sprint music store for some to download on my phone. For now at work & at home i can use you tube)

Watch videos of nature w/ calming music (youtube)

Look at a picture of a calming place (ive been google image searching & searching on pintrest, havent decided on one yet. Maybe i'll download a few & put them on a folder on my phone)

I just got through that part of the book last night at midnight, an hour past my bedtime so i havent had a chance to do this stuff yet. I have a body pillow that VERY soft and at night when im self soothing my terror of night, which right now and have my entire life, i suck my thumb to do (hoping that these more 'normal' adult behaviors will help me stop that but i have such high terror at night it may take a while...its also habitual since i was 6, was always how i eased my emotions through my trauma and just never stopped) but my point is, when im doing that im stoking my body pillow and rubbing it on my face and it eases it more. Probably why kids like soft things. Its a body pillowcase, its not the body pillow itself, so i can buy another case to use to cut on and cut a small piece of it to carry it w/ me & when its not soft anymore, cut another piece. I hate to buy it to cut on so im gonna look in the faboc section of walmart first to see if theres fabic thats meant to be cut is just as soft but if not i'll do that.

What does your daily exercise look like?

It doesnt, i cant exercise due to physical pain. I used to love yoga but due to neuropathy down my legs i cant do that anymore. So the only exercise i get is walking around at work (which isnt a lot & only on breaks & lunch cuz i work at a call center sitting in a cubicle). I have to use a garbage can upside down to put my legs up, change sitting positions, get up & pace in my cubicle, and sit on my desk all due to pain.

I try to walk my dog (poor guy, due to his breed, he needs to run & im finding it impossible to run him like i used to, playing fetch, due to pain) but once the pain pump is more leveled off and when my pain dr puts in there what he says will help my neuropathy, im hoping to be able to run my dog on a bike that i just bought but have yet to ride. My two goals to this pain pump, being age 34, was to be able to sleep in my bed again & ride a bike.

How are you working on emotional regulation?

How am i working on it? Reading and working through the DMT workbook but i havent gotten that far, stopped at chapter 2 last night. Chapter 1 was just to write down things to distract thoughts & ways to self soothe. I sneaked peaked into chatper 2, the first few pages will be about imagening safe place & someone told me to do that on here and im not super good at it. Maybe in there i can learn how?

How are you pacing your self?

Well its only been 3 days that ive been doing it all at once but sat i read the DMT book, Sun i didnt read it at all, i wrote the talking poem to my inner chilc & then last night i read the book. So im seeming to go slow on each and when one seems a bit overwhelming i stop & go to the other one.

I thought about bringing the DMT workbook to work but i thought that would be too fast & at times i hit a place that seems emotional so i dont think i should. So even the DMT workbook, im only reading that at night when i get home from work and only for a few hrs.

I also will take a break from reading, more due to being dyslexic, its frustrating, and will come on the site a few mins or so & go back to reading. Its also helping the BPD thing to know the site is still there. Sounds stupid but it really is a 'thing' for me.

Have you written down all your vulnerable points and have some emergency plans in place?

That i havent done but mostly because i dont know what my vulnerable points are. Its sorta like being in a body that does everything automatically w/ blinders on. I have trouble even identifying emotions. Usually when my therapist asks its "i dont know" or pain is the usual one i can feel but i cant seem to pick out pain about what, whom, etc and anger is another one but i cant tell you what im angry about. So still working on that.

Maybe if i had one of those children's emotional charts w/ faces. That sounds stupid but was just a thought.

Emergency plan, i dont have any friends so cant text or call a friend, my dad & step mom dont understand & arent supportive so cant go there, if im that suicidal i cant talk so calling a crisis line is out, and if i go to the ER or call 911 im gonna be committed for at least 72 hrs & i cant do that, i have to work.

So really, though it should be, the only thing i have left is to talk on here. Unless someone can think of something, im open to suggestions; as long as i can implement them.
 
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If you are getting messages to slow down you really should try to do so.

Messages? You mean like like self messages? Im not. Just being told on here is all.

I know when I have taken on too much, later on, after awhile, like in 5 years, I had a total breakdown and ended up in the mental ward of a hospital! You won't to avoid that kind of thing at all costs.

I totally agree. Thats why im asking but im not even feeling overwhelmed yet so maybe just stop if overwhelmed?

I think a Baby Doll might just allow you to slow down and take some time to nurture your mothering instincts without adding that extra bunch of things like changing diapers, feeding times at 3AM and so on!

I dont know about that one. It would probably just sit in my room and not get touched.

My 'inner child' is a bit older, 6 or 7 ish. So not sure if a baby doll will work but i'll think on that a bit.

Im glad its gonna help you! :hug:
 
I would work on grounding skills, self-soothing skills, and other emotional management goodness like looking for and getting back into your wise mind?
That way if whatever else you do pops loose something really bad, you can manage the shitstorm.

If you find you are getting to the point that not being able to work or manage self care looks imminent, back off.
 
If you start feeling really overwhelmed (which, unfortunately in ptsd-land can take so many different forms you might not realize it), then it is good to slow down.

Good thought! I need to keep an eye open for all ways i can show im overwhelmed.

I think for me, when i hit emotional places that i cant handle, it usually comes in a form of bring short tempered, outburts (happened both in the real world and here) and then my inabilty to eat etc. I do have a TON of physical things related to my mental state.

But like i said in my orginal post, i think that all had to do w/ the blame shift and feeling all the new emotions and thoughts, its overwhelming & terrifying but im find (even though in not very far into it) the DMT workbook is helping some.

It's great you are able to read the books and sit with your own thoughts in this. That's incredibly not easy. As for whether the multi approach works, it sounds like it is working well so far.

Not easy AT ALL, especially w/ the new thoughts & emotions but its allowing me to investigate them in a safe way. And because its an interactive workbook, my dyslexia isnt making it so i dont get what im reading, cuz i have to write in it.

Im finding that every few paragraphs im stopping to make sure the site is still here. Thats kinda funny when i think about it but it was an issue i was having, its why i couldnt ever take a break off the site when i should of. These need thoughts & emotions were scaring me and i was terrified to be alone w/ them but the book is allowing me to pratice it. Knowing that i can be alone w/ these new thoughts & emotions, nothing bad happened, and the site is still here.. Its great pratice.

My sense is that no matter what you do, you will yes crash and burn and be hit by a freight train sooner or later, because trauma work is just like that. It hits you and you derail, but it's part of the necessary work.

:nailbiting: Hopefully its not a huge train that tailspins me into suicidal land, thats my fear anyway.

It's really good you are asking these questions and thinking about how to pace yourself.

:) working on learning myself. Guess thats what the DMT workbook is good for, how to handle the emotions & distress when it comes; so even though im not far into it, maybe its helping some?
 
I would work on grounding skills, self-soothing skills, and other emotional management goodness like looking for and getting back into your wise mind?

Thats what the DMT workbook is helping me do.

If you find you are getting to the point that not being able to work or manage self care looks imminent, back off.

Yep, good idea. Though likr Jemini pointed out, that can be different than the 'normal' way and so i need to look for other ways by body and/or mind is telling me "this is too much"

Its all good points, thanks guys for all your help!
 
Your T sounds good.

It's a balance that can only be found by doing things and seeing how they go.

Go too slow, and you waste time and get bored

Go too fast, you'll know.

Get it about right, and it will be uncomfortable, that's for sure, but you'll still manage to get to work, pay your bills, take care of yourself and your dog, and have some laughs and smiles.

It's an individual thing.

Incidentally, on challenging the cult beliefs
Do you think that the members were there because they actually believed?
 
Your T sounds good.

My therapist is great! He has to be to put up w/ me for 7 yrs lol :wtf:

He sent me here b/c he couldnt figure out a way to get me some support in real life & w/ my family the way they are, no friends, terrified of people, but feeling ok and 'safe' typing (was emailing a pastor for a while until he & his wife got frustrated w/ me & left) he figured this would be a great place to start until i can ease my way to be around people. I even looked for a sexual assult group & got as far as emailing the therapist that headed one but it never worked out.

It's an individual thing.

I figured as much which is why i said you likely wont be able to answer it. But, like always, everyone's given me good advise and things to look out for.

Do you think that the members were there because they actually believed?
( I don't think any of the members believed, myself. Stepdad and mom were the only


Thats a REALLY awesome question. I dont know. Im not even sure if my mom & step dad fully believed it or if they just wanted power over me. My mom seems to still today though (my step dad is now dead; died about a year ago and my family got mad at me that i didnt go to his funeral. Really? To my defense i did ask my therapist as family was pressuring me to & he said "hell no").

Anyway, on facebook, this is when i had added her to facebook (due to my dad pressuring me to talk to her, he still does but this was before therapy) and she put a video of Chris Angel doing a magic trick and "walking on water" and she said "jesus did it, so can we".

The family, as very strict fundalmentalist christians, took that as just a weird statement, didnt read much into it and basically just ignored it. But i knew why she wrote it and blocked her. She was on my facebook for just about a week.

She wrote it because cult beliefs are that theres a big god and the big god tells you what to do to become little gods and if you're "choosen" you can hear him and must lead others to do the things he says and after doing these things & meditating and what not, the big god gives you "gifts" plus you can teach yourself how to use 100% of your brain 100% of the time (impossible by the way; humans do use 100% of their brain but only 10% at a time) and can do anything; levitate, walk on water, read minds, talk to the dead, etc.

Do I believe that? No, but my "cult beliefs" which have become my core beliefs are about me. Im the "demon child that is all of whats bad and evil in the world", "god says i must be hurt and punished", "god told them to...", "i do everything wrong and cant do anything right","im a creature that god or any person cant love","im unlovable", "i should have been a product of abortion" (and wish i was), "i must be punished for being bad" (which included human error), "sex and sexual acts is love and the only way to "properly' connect with someone", "im only good for sex, as a prostitute, and to be rented...its the only good thing about me", "everyone will go away because no one can stand me", "im lower than or other", "im an animal or less than"...i can go on but im sure you get the point.

I didnt latch onto the actual cult belief about "big god & becoming little gods" but the things about me became the only thing i believe about myself. Its VERY hard to change that, as i believe it all the the core of my being and like you believe the sky is blue. And my therapist once said "if i grew up beliving the sky is green & the grass is blue, but everyone tells me different, that would help me to see what it really is" but my issue is, i have no one in my 'real world' to counter these thoughts of myself, even my family re-enforces all of that stuff, or at least most of it and so thats why i wanted as many replies here as i could get in my threads. Even though my "cult side" fights it (which my therapist says is to be expect) me (the internal me that feels trapped inside) does listen, takes in whats said, churns it around and around and around in my head and fight the "cult side" which fights it, says things liks "you're no good, you dont deserve anything good, you cant get better" etc etc etc. Its an exhausting fight.

Anyway, ive been wondering lately if when my mom gave me a loaded gun begging me to kill myself, if maybe it was her f*cked up way to say "save yourself"? Because they needed me in the cult to fullfill what "god said".

The other 10 loyal followers. I dont know, they seemed to really believe it at the time. They were very into the animal sacrifice but maybe they were just f*cked in the head people, like serial killers starting with killing animals type of thing.

The dog sexual stuff and all the other sexual stuff i think that was just a sick pedophile type fetish.

The "renters" i think were just pedophiles. I have no clue where he found all of these people. Especially the cop whom was one of the 10 loyal followers.

"Hunter", the one and only "renter" that wouldnt have sex with me, i always wondered if he wanted to take me away from it, as "renting" me could be a night, a day, or even a week. He usually got me for a week or at least a few days. Maybe he was just lonely. He would never tell me if he had kids so maybe he lost a kid and wanted the feeling of having one? Or maybe even a wife, though he never did sexual things? I dont know. I always tried to do things with him but he wouldnt, it felt so weird, and he did let me sleep in his bed with him but wouldnt do anything sexual, he would hold me in non-sexual ways and never act on my non-stop advances, and would comfort me when i had nightmares. He became sort of like a good friend and we would talk, though i wasnt supposed to...he wouldnt tell them that we did. I often wonder why he never told anyone.

Im rambling, im sorry. I dont know. Sorta something ive thought about but could never find an answer to and dont think i ever will.
 
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