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Am i losing my mind or is it his reactivity?

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sek8568

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I am currently in a relationship-- over 2 years. I have PTSD and I have been very much working on myself in therapy with how I interact with people. I have been really deeply depressed for the last 8 months. I have isolated myself from friends and everyone. (I told this to my partner) I normally feel extreme suicidal thoughts around my birthday- this year I actually didn't. My partner recently informed me that he feels that I haven't worked on myself at all, that we still argue as much as we did before. And that he feels I only have "improved" my relationships with other people and not "us." And that my improvement with other people is really fake because I isolated myself from them. Meanwhile, my partner receives to get help for his issues and refuses to come to therapy with me when I ask. His reasoning is "he doesn't feel he needs it, he is fine." I ask for him to come with me. He has no way to judge whether I am improving or not. My therapist has said continually for the last several months how hard I am working and how she notices such a huge improvement.

I feel like I am always the one being labeled as crazy in this relationship. I am trying not to feel hopeless and trying not to feel that no matter how hard I work it will never be good enough. I just feel so low right now.
 
That stinks to hear, especially when working hard to get through depression and get better. :hug:

Is this a repeated pattern with him, or a one time comment?

If this is a repeated pattern with him, it is possible he could be trying to gaslight you, in which case, that's going to be harder to work through, and may even be grounds to end the relationship.

If this is a one time comment, something said in the heat of an argument, or in a moment of burn out, that may be a very different situation.
 
I am currently in a relationship-- over 2 years. I have PTSD and I have been very much working on mysel...

Sek8568:
Without the full details of the situation it is hard to say for sure... however I do have something to say about this:

"My partner recently informed me that he feels that I haven't worked on myself at all, that we still argue as much as we did before. And that he feels I only have "improved" my relationships with other people and not "us." "

1. What occurred prior to your partner saying these things to you? Where you disagreeing about something? Did he want to have sex, and you didn't? Did these statements seemingly come 100% out-of-the-blue? - Examining the context in which he said these things may be helpful to understanding his true motives.

2. Does he often tell you that you aren't working hard enough? Is this a pattern of behavior? Do you find yourself making similar statements to him?

3. Anyone who makes all-or-nothing statements is usually not in their rational brain. Sometimes taking a break and having a calm discussion is helpful.

4. Is your partner ever willing or able to have a calm discussion about your trauma and treatment?

"Meanwhile, my partner receives to get help for his issues and refuses to come to therapy with me when I ask. His reasoning is "he doesn't feel he needs it, he is fine."

I think you probably know that this is not loving behavior. Based upon what you have written here, this sounds like a person who only thinks about himself and how you can be of benefit to him. Supporting a partner with a lot of trauma (especially trauma which directly impacts the partner) is a lot to ask. That said, when people love each other they usually want to do whatever they can to support their partner to be happier and healthier in their life. Loving people tend to act as cheerleaders to their partners while they focus toward achieving their goals.


I dated two men, one in the past and one currently. I love(d) and admired them both. I felt that both understood me and wanted to be there for me. Both had serious childhood trauma histories for which they had both been in and out of therapy against their will.

Mr. Past was subtly narcissistic. He refused to get help for himself, but always had something to say about me and what I was doing. He was okay with me going to therapy, but he didn't want any part of it. Sometimes we would talk about things I had re-remembered or that I was currently struggling with. In the moment he would be okay, acting open to discussion and being non-judgmental and supportive. But then I would notice that he brought up some of the things I had shared with him later, only now they were 'weaponized' versions of things I said, designed to trap and control me with my own words. Vestiges of my past would re-surface in new disagreements as justification for us adopting his point of view, doing what he wanted, or in an attempt to get me to minimize his rigid and controlling behaviors. This almost worked. This man almost destroyed me. He still thinks we're friends and sends me emails (which I don't return) looking for in-depth conversation from time to time. In other words, he is a delusional, self-aggrandizing narcissist... a very smart one, but one all the same. Now when I think back to that relationship, I realize that I really wanted it to work. I had fantasies of how we could both be happy and contented with each other if only I changed. After some therapy and more self-reflection, I re-worked the original fantasy to include my partner and I both getting help for our issues and then living happily ever after. It was when my partner sensed that I was catching on to the fact that be both needed to be 'fixed' that he started complaining about my going to therapy and about my progress. He started looking up psychiatric disorders online and diagnosing me with them.

Mr. Present has been through a lot, but due to the nature of the things he went through, he is not quite the emotional wreck that I can be day in and out, and appears more normal to the outside. Sex life with Mr. Present is almost non-existent due to SA trauma. Mr. Present knows that one reason I went back to therapy was to help with said sex life. I had recommended to Mr. Present that if he wanted a sex life, it might be helpful for him to learn about how partners can support someone with extensive SA history. He seemed totally disinterested in this, and told me that that seemed like too much work.
One time after I had turned Mr. Present down again after 9 months without sex, he gave me this cold, angry look; so rejected. This in turn triggered my guilt and fear of abandonment for setting personal boundaries regarding sex. So I said,"I know. I know. I'm sorry! But this is why I'm in therapy. I'm trying to make this work. I feel like I've gotten a lot better. I swear it's helping! Just give it a little longer..."
To which he replied,"I thought you were going to therapy so we could be together!? It doesn't really seem like you're improving at all! What are you even doing, just wasting money? I'm just sayin' it doesn't really seem like you've improved at all." I told him that I thought I had made huge leaps, and that my friend (because I only have one) also had mentioned that my mood seemed better. He replied that he strongly disagreed and we argued.
Later that night, my partner came to me and said, "I want to apologize. I had absolutely no right to put my feelings on you. I should not have said that you're not getting better. I should just trust that if you feel that things are getting better for you, that's what really matters. I lost my temper because I was frustrated and feeling bad about myself. When you keep turning me down for sex, it's really hard for me not to blame myself and assume that it's my fault. Sometimes I'm afraid that you're not attracted to me or that I'm just a really bad lover. I'm afraid that you don't want to be with me because of me, so you use your past as an excuse to try to not hurt my feelings."

Once my partner had confessed these things to me we could finally have the real heart-to-heart conversation. Although Mr. Present is still not ready to go back to therapy for himself, he in no way tries to sabotage or dissuade me from therapy. Mr. Present says hurtful things from time-to-time, and doesn't always pay attention to what I'm saying. HOWEVER, he always apologizes and owns his own sh*t. With Mr. Present, things move forward, instead of in never-ending loop, where I'm always made to feel primarily responsible for issues which concern the both of us. To my surprise, Mr. Present actually did decide to educate himself on how he could build intimacy with me. It took months, but it did happen. Mr. Present loves me and wants to hold my hand while I go on this journey, even though it's painful. This is why he's Mr. Present, instead of Mr. Past.
 
My partner and I were having a disagreement. I told him I did not like the way he talks me sometimes. I believe he told me I'm not improving because of his own reactivity.

There is also complications to our relationship. My partner has extremely low libido and could have an orgasm 3-4 times a year. When we first got together we talked and decided that even though he doesn't want to get off due to negative physical symptoms he experiences afterwards (he also feels this completely normal for him and refuses to test his hormone level. he refuses to identify as asexual just that sex is less important to him). For the last 8 months we have had some form of intimacy maybe 3-4 times. He admits this is a problem. He admits he doesn't like it when it goes longer than a month. I don't pressure him. Although being rejected repeatedly in the beginning of our relationship really devastated me. He was really badly pressured in a previous relationship and I believe he sustained trauma as a result of that- he will not admit this. He will not get help. I have told him that I'm concerned about him and xyz. He listens, takes it in, but refuses to see a doctor or work on his own internal emotional issues. I'm tired of being the one constantly striving to better myself when he can't, won't or isn't willing to do the same. At this point I have trouble engaging in being intimate with him because I feel so disconnected. Even though I am frustrated and want to be more intimate- I don't know if I can at this point. I might be making similar statements to him expressing that I wish he would get help- he might internalize that as him not doing enough.

He is willing to have calm discussions about my trauma. I'm just really hurt by what he said- "I'm not improving." He thinks everything is an argument. He thinks me not wanting to go Moe's and not having sour cream because I'm concerned about what Im ingesting is an argument. I feel like I can't win and I feel like he continually tries to scapegoat me.
 
It seems like you're both trying to change each other, and you're both perhaps overpathologizing each other a bit along the way.

Trying to change a mate usually sets people up for a resentment (and lots of arguments)... because we can't ever really change other people. The only person we can ever change is ourselves.

It seems pretty clear that he's set a boundary that he's not going to see a doctor as to why his libido is low. Pushing somebody to get medical care that they're not ready to get is likely to lead to them defensively pushing back. There could be many reasons for it including hormones or medication or trauma... or it could be his normal or that he's responding/reacting to your frustration and shut down when physically intimate. He's had a low low libido for about the same length of time that you have been struggling with this deep depression.

At the same time, this is something about that's been constant about him - his libido and desire for physical intimacy has always been lower than yours. Instead of accepting this and then making the choice to stay or move on, you have stayed but tried to change him.

It is likely that he is doing the best he can with what he has. Just like you are doing the best you can with what you have. Would it be good if he was seeing a doc about his libido? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he's been there before and isn't ready to deal with it or talk about it. Either way, he's not willing and now you get to decide if you want a stay or go.

You say he is not working on his stuff, but I'm not sure that's fair. He's in therapy. The therapist would likely end the therapy if he was just sitting there silent not working on anything about himself. So many people would never have the courage to even venture into a therapy room, and he's doing that work. Instead of praise for his courage, what he gets from you is that it's not enough for you. You believe that he isn't changing and he isn't working on his stuff, and you are mad about him now saying the same about you.

I don't think he's gaslighting but mirroring you.

He clearly is working on his stuff. His telling there is nothing he needs to work on is a defense mechanism against pain. For whatever reason, he knows he has stuff to work in enough to go to therapy, but doesn't want to admit it to you. You might be pushing too much for him to feel safe and accepted with you to talk about the vulnerablity of needing to work on stuff.

And many men feel real vulnerable to talk about their sexual performance. It seriously is not easy for many men to admit to a doctor they are struggling in that area. It may be one step of vulnerability he just can't do and the more you push he does it, the more he pushed YOU away, and I'm guessing this leads you to feeling more rejected and then you try to change him more and around and around this cycle goes.

You both are probably hurting a bit. And it's not going to be solved by trying to push for him to change more.

You both get to decide if that fits for what you want and need in a relationship, and what you are able to compromise on. That's what dating is all about.
 
It seems like you're both trying to change each other, and you're both perhaps overpathologizing eac...

This is confusing. I think you're confusing posts. The OP never said her partner is going to therapy. She said he refuses to go to therapy!

OP I'd jump ship to be honest. The truth is that everyone can always be working on improving themselves. I've been with guys who put all problems on me because I'm the one with a diagnosis. It gets old fast. I'm not going to live my life trying to be perfect and the reason why things are wrong in a relationship. And the low libido thing? I'm no sex fiend, but I couldn't deal with that. He may be asexual and in denial. It's a basic human need to want to be desired sexually. Why throw this to the wind? Don't deny your own needs. You deserve better!
 
I have no problem with less sex. I do have a higher drive. However, this is an issue that suddenly came on in his twenties. He has other symptoms that make me think it is a hormonal imbalance. We talked about all of this before dating and I went with it because I was promised I would be/ him and I would be made a priority. That wasn't the case. I'm afraid now that my sex drive is just completely gone and even if I am not with him I won't be able to be in a functional sexual relationship. I will say- I don't want to leave him. Generally he is a good guy and I love him. I wish I didn't but I do.


I can see what you mean about the mirroring. I think my partner in general is incrediably defensive. The thing is I actually seek help for what is a problem within myself and could cause problems within the relationship. He is not doing that. Which really lays into my own stuff of hating myself, devaluing myself, and not being wanted. I have explained this to him- that when he tells me it's important to him and that he doesn't followup through it makes me feel all those things.
 
It seems like you're both trying to change each other, and you're both perhaps overpathologizing eac...
It is also not easy for me to talk about my everyday life and mental health is impacted by years of abuse. But I do it. I do it because I know it's important for me to do and for any relationship I'm in. I understand that it is difficult for men. It is just as difficult for me to talk about things I don't want as it for men.
 
This is confusing. I think you're confusing posts. The OP never said her partner is going to therapy. She said he refuses to go to therapy!
Fair point.

I took this -
Meanwhile, my partner receives to get help for his issues
- to mean he is getting help with an individual therapist and in context, was refusing to go to the OP's therapist. I can see that perhaps it was a typo the OP meant to say he refuses.

It might be worthwhile to consider couples counseling with an independent counselor to work on the arguing. Your counselor is inherently on your side, and should be. An already defensive person may need to know it's neutral ground, or that someone is there to support them. I'd suggest presenting it not as a way to fix himself, but as a way where you both can figure out how to resolve conflict better. Address his need for less arguing. It's my guess he will push back couples counseling, but it's worth a try.
I believe he told me I'm not improving because of his own reactivity.
Then you have answered your own question.
 
Fair point.

I took this -

- to mean he is getting help with an individual therapist and in context...

I have asked him to with me as support. I have not stated that he needs to fix himself. I have simply said she might help us, together, as a couple , to figure things out. I don't believe he will go to an independent therapist. I am willing to try this though. He believes he is fine and he doesn't need help because he can figure out everything himself. I guess he has been the happiest he has been in years. While me with the diagnosis is just a miserable self hating piss pot. I'm glad one of us is happy at least.
 
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