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Am I Making This Up In My Head or Is It For Real?

Discussion in 'General' started by mumtofour, Nov 17, 2006.

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  1. mumtofour

    mumtofour New Member

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    Ok, I'm totally new here, and am so thankful I found this forum.

    So here it goes. I've read some of the posts in the spouses section and read one about a wife w/PTSD and her behavior and omg, it was like I was reading my life...interesting.

    My dh and I have been married for 9 yrs, 10 next year, we have 4 children ages 5, 3, 1, and 1month. I'll cut to the chase. I am thinking of separating from him because of his ill behavior toward me. I believe in God and so does dh, so I grapple with the Biblical issues of it being "right" to leave or not.

    He has stated we live in two different realities because we cannot talk about my PTSD, which I had before we were married. I started counseling in Nov 2005 and got pregnant Jan 2006 and quit counseling...Now today my baby is 1 month old and I am considering going back to counseling because I want to get better, I want to know how to cope. I need better coping skills. My dilema is when I start counseling I dont want all the fighting to start again. He says I need to go on medication and he calls me crazy. But I know my feelings are real and they do exist. So, I thought about getting a legal separation while working through my stuff. I told him we cannot talk about my PTSD because he addresses the issue with no love, no compassion, no encouragement and no support of my feelings. So, that behavior of course makes me want nothing to do with him, and run as far away from him as I can so I will stop being hurt by his words and actions (is this "normal") I get excited just thinking about seperating so I dont have to live like this anymore. However, I fear once I get healthy and learn better coping skills, I wont come back to his abusive ways.

    Well, thats all for now. I appreciate any advice, suggestions, or comments from those who have more experience than me.

    Thanks
     
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  3. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    I would say, yes this is perfectly normal. One might think that perhaps your PTSD doesn't allow you to see that he's in fact loving, compassionate, encouraging and supportive of you feelings,
    ......but that one is certainly not me. I hear you mumtofour, very loud, and I believe you! For matter of fact, I identify with every word I've quoted of yours. I however, am not making any decisions, this large, right now because when and if I ever do I want to decide this when I'm much further along in therapies. Hoping to find a different pair of glasses, another words clear away, understand and know more. Also, if I'm honest I recognize the I denied my husb. tendencies to be completely insensitive, at times of emotion, even before we married. This is the man I married and I do love him and I'm trusting that in time we'll grow. He may never ever be able to be there for me with my PTSD and all, but I'm trusting that I'm going to grow stronger and such that I won't care. And, who knows he might surprise me. I know it's a lot to hope for from myself, and will leave him with a good deal, if those surprises never happen but hey that's what it is for now.

    Want you to know I really, truly know what you mean when you say no love, no comp., no enc., no support, I've experienced it; PTSD'd to the max, even suicidal and what happened was....'What didn't kill me, made me stronger.'

    Hang in there mumtofour, others with experience, will post...that wouldn't be me, and I'm trusting they'll be able to give you some great support.

    Wishing you Well!..............sincerely, goingonhope
     
  4. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Hey Mum,

    Is it possible to get him to this site and read the postings in the Spouses section? Perhaps something that's said there might bring it all into reality for him. Or maybe he has some questions about it all and could get the answers from those who deal with us PTSDers.

    If he won't get online and come here, perhaps you could then print out things people have said here, so he will perhaps see that it is very real to you and for you.

    Just a thought. Good luck.
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Ok mum, god is not going to help you in this, let me just say that now. God does not work in that way, being intervention within people's lives. The question you need to ask yourself is, do you love him? The question he needs to ask himself is, does he love you? If you both love one another, then I do not know exactly how seperation is going to help you heal, because as a single mum then, your now going to have to earn money or be supported from social security, raise four children on your own, and basically be presented with a whole new range of problems that are going to create anxiety, stress and more importantly, impact your children.

    You have four children.... what about the impact this will have on them in relation to their father???

    You are stating that you want to seperate because it will help you get better. What if it doesn't? People seperate because they no longer love one another, or more to the point, one person no longer loves the other, hence they leave and hurt the other person. If you still love him, then I don't see this type of thinking actually creating any resolve for you, just more problems. If you said that you didn't love him anymore, or he was beating you or the kids, then that would get a different response from me, but you didn't.

    The real issue as I see it, is that he needs to get his act together in relation to your healing. Relationship issues are an impacting factor upon PTSD and the healing process, no doubts. PTSD impacts relationships, and as a result the relationship must be addressed by both parties to resolve all the hurt and problems from both sides in order to survive. If it doesn't, then that will drive a relationship apart for those type of reasons, even when love exists. If the relationship is all one sided, then you will never find resolve together... that is pretty much factual.

    Most of his problem is possibly along the lines that he is male, and as such he has a tendency to solve problems, not discuss them and find resolve. He can't solve your PTSD, hence his own frustration in regard to supporting you. He is most likely just lost... he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know where to start helping you. The facts are, if you simply guide him very slowly with discussion and things he can do in relation to dealing with you, the relationship will get better over time. You need to both go to a marriage counsellor though in order to accomplish this, because if you just start asking things off him, he will then think your demanding off him, which will just make the problems worse.
     
  6. Kells

    Kells Active Member

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    I say it all depends on how abusive he really is to you. Name calling is most definitely abusive, but was it a one time thing, or a pattern of name calling, and more? I would take the time and spend a good deal of time reflecting on this. I do believe God does intervene in peoples' lives and can work miracles, so I would definitely take this to God and your pastor at your church.

    I respect your opinions on this, Anthony, unfortunately I disagree on two points. God's intervention (aforementioned) and with regard to "love". A truly abusive person is not capable of real love, because the only thing an abusive person can "love" is themselves and their own desire for power and control. They use the word "love" as a means of leverage to keep their victim there for their own personal punching bag (physically and emotionally). It's all part and parcel to the "Cycle of Violence" wheel.. A typical behavioural pattern that always includes a "loving" phase as a means of keeping their victim emotionally hostage. It's quite effective. So because of this, Mum, I encourage you to take love out of the equation altogether if he is indeed abusive beyond a one time name calling session and definitely seek counsel with the leadership of your church, and pray... Lots and lots of prayer for God's guidance in this.

    I am in the same boat as you are at the moment, however, mine has a long history of abuse against me (physical and emotional)... Take a deep breath, try not to make any rash decisions, explore all options and keep your chin up =) You are most definitely not alone *hugs*
     
  7. sibemom

    sibemom Active Member

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    Mum I understand how you are feeling about your situation and although I can not tell you what you need to do I can share what goes on in my own marriage. From the onset of this DEMON PTSD, in the beggining I felt like my husband was very supportive along with everyone else in my family circle, but then in my weird way of thinking and with me being very detached from emotions of others I felt like he was thinking I should have been better by now. Arguments, desention, disgust, all were coming OUT OF ME for him, even the feeling of being spyed on because he was getting so involved in my treatment. We have had many blowups, and before we never argued, never we always had a very loving and open relationship where we could talk about anything and made sure that we kept each other grounded. NOW THAT IS ALL DIFFERENT and not with him but with me. My husband does love me, and he is not abusive at all, but because I perceive things so much differently and am not aware of how HE IS NOT THE ONE THAT HAS CHANGED, things get really intense. Just a few weeks ago we had a MAJOR conflict, and I was telling him to pack his crap and GET OUT! He did not do anything it was me. Now I am not blaming you please do not think that but what I am saying is that PTSD changes the way we see our reality and our partners can be so supportive love us and care for us even deeper then we thought but WE DO NOT ALWAYS SEE IT. I know that after this last blow up, we sat down and he expressed everything that he felt about what has happened to me, how he is not going to just up and leave me, even though I thought he would, and that how he wants to be supportive but sometimes he just does not know how to because I am not receptive to his support. Things change on a daily basis with this and just when I feel I am getting back to being an active part emtionaly in this family again the next day is seems like I am right back to square one. My therapist brought it to my attention that it is useless to spend my energy on getting people to understand what I am going through because unless they walk in my shoes they never will. She said what I need to do is start that very slow process of thinking before I speak, learning to not take every word spoken out of context, and if I have no response then leave it at that. You see my husband is a very loving and caring person but I do not see it right now I only see the negative side of things, I am sensitive to tone of voice, body language etc. and what I see in my distorted way of thinking right now is blown way out of proportion to what the reality is of what is being said and done. You need to just breath, take a few steps back from your situation and do your best to look at it in the best sense of reality that you can. IT SUCKS! See for me its just easier to blame him for everything bad I feel because then I do not have to accept the fact that I am different, I can sit in my denial of the whole situation and pretend I AM JUST THE SAME AS BEFORE, its everyone else that has the problems. So much easier doing it that way because then you do not have to work so hard to get past things. You can just walk around in a cloud of indifference. My husband is still who he always was, he is still the loving and caring person I married, still willing to stand by me for the long haul and support me even if I am the BITCH FROM HELL at times and rip his head off for trying to help me, and NO there is nothing he can do to heal me, that is up to me.
     
  8. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    mum,
    I am also new here, so i will not try to act like i know very much about PTSD, yet... but just know that I'm listening and will give you feedback when i can relate. The best suggestion that i can give you is to listen to anthony and everyone else who knows about what you are feeling. I get more out of this forum than seeing my doctor!! i feel much better after talking with fellow PTSD sufferers!! anthony has started to help me feel a little bit better already by helping me see things from someone else's point of view... everyone here is great!! everybody is very supportive here!!
     
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