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An extended period of time away from home country has fast forwarded healing at a cost ?

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Roslie22

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Hi all

I've been trying to read up on this but I can't find any information apart from my own hunch.
I've been away from my country( where I spent the majority of my life) for a while now and for the first time in my life I can see my entire past a lot more clearer, frol 3 years old to now. lacking many blank spaces (that I usually have to probe a lot to ' fill in the blanks'). But it seems it's come at a cost.
Along with another major life event soon.
I feel depressed, I can see the times in my life where people were out to destroy me, I get flash backs, I can't sleep properly, and I feel suicidal. It's all come to me like a wave and I feel like it's enough. I feel new resentments to people close to me during my life, because I can see things from retrospect now.

I don't know what to do. If people around me even understand that I could suddenly get so bad when somehow it should be the opposite.
Because I feel so pessimistic about everything I'm skeptical to believe I'm healing but it's possible since healing can be painful.


If anyone has some website links(or how to get there) or personal experiences or some blogs that would be much appreciated. At least if I can't find help, which I can't professionally for a while, I would know I'm not alone.

Thank you in advance ,
 
Hi Roslie,

I don't have any links to share with you, only my experience and observations.

I left the country I was born and raised in mid 2015, and only recently came back. I had a similar experience to what you describe.

I also had a similar experience shortly after I left to go study, but this was well before my PTSD diagnosis, though I was severely depressed at the time. Initially I felt freer, gained some perspective, and started feeling better. A few months in it all fell apart for me, and before I knew it, I was in deeper than I'd been before I moved from my parents' home.

I was doing relatively well when I left in 2015, and for a while things kept going well. Until it didn't. My symptoms were rapidly spiraling out of control, and I made 2 suicide attempts in early 2016.

While there were external factors at play, I can't say they were the sole cause. Especially not when recalling my earlier experience.

For me, I think the distance gave the perception of space, and possibly safety from immediate danger. I think on some level I relaxed a bit, stopped working so hard on maintaining any progress made, and I slipped back into unstable territory. I recall a psychologist at university telling me that distance from my father (one of my abusers) would do me good. We didn't speak for almost 5 years. We eventually came into contact again for a few years, things were bearable, until it wasn't anymore. Those issues I had with him weren't resolved. Space can be good and bad.

I also found a better understanding of certain traumas, recognized the extent of neglect, and the effects they had on me. That was distressing, to think that so much of what I considered a familiar part of myself was possibly not really me, but the aftermath of abuse. This brought up so much anger toward my mother in particular; someone who should have protected me, yet turned a blind eye. I ended up feeling more lost and out of touch with myself than ever before, which also contributed to the resurgence of my symptoms.

I was back at what felt like the beginning, those months around my PTSD diagnosis, and felt utterly hopeless. After my second suicide attempt I decided to go back to where I felt I was at, retrace my steps through therapy. (I wasn't in therapy at this stage, and couldn't bear the thought of officially starting over again.) I worked on stabilizing myself, reeducating myself on PTSD, and finding ways to manage my symptoms. It was slow work, but I got to a point where my symptoms were mostly manageable, even though they are still severe.

Looking back now I know it would probably have been easier on me to get back in therapy, but I also feel a sense of accomplishment for having gotten myself this far, and that realization has been valuable to me.

I hope this helps. You're not alone.
 
I hope you are doing well - I had 2-3 big + many small traumas in one country where I live and have people always suggesting I go back to my original country - to avoid further trauma. People do not get that I have 20 adult years in this country and my body non specific fear and anxiety now and being in a crowded shopping mall or empty car park is just as worrying at times as the alarming news whatever country I am in and that I don't watch when I am here. I have ridiculous anxiety around intimacy with my husband regardless of what country I am in and he has nothing to do with my trauma - he has always been there for me. so for me deciding what is best for me and doing it in the country with my best personal support mechanisms is how I have come to terms with others opinions about where is best for me. Try and do whatever works for you wherever you are and want to be. I am avoiding heaps of things but not a whole country ( I may be avoiding a city and another district and an office - and anything work related and sex and obligations and deadlines and being overwhelmed and getting surprised by new things and people and email...but not a whole country) . Hope you find your space and way of being wherever you want to be so you can tackle what you need to in your own space and time. Weird things come out in weird ways - out it comes in its own time and space wherever I am - and I take myself to bed and deal with it. no links or guidance just feel what you need and do that if its space take it whether its just not being in contact or changing cities or not working. Hang in there and every day is a new day and my advice is always swim ( or find your equivalent). Bad times are less and shorter now that I found swimming and decided andcommunicated my limits and boundaries rather than conforming to others expectations including my ones pertaining to trying to be as my old self.
 
It is possible that space (especially from places where you have been hurt) means feeling safer. Lower vigilance (letting down your guard) can make room for the pain and memories that you couldn't deal with while they were happening.
Support of some kind may be helpful in coping with and eventually processing the new information/awareness.

This was definitely true for me also - you are not alone. I particularly connect with seeing people with new eyes after getting some space.

Starting a forum diary can help with venting/processing while you don't have professional support, but I also recommend searching through threads about grounding and other coping strategies.
 
Hi Roslie,

I don't have any links to share with you, only my experience and observations.

I left...

Hi there claroscuro thankyou for your reply!
I am glad you shared your experience with me. I can definitely relate to " found a better understanding of certain traumas, recognized the extent of neglect, and the effects they had on me. ". In fact I think about it every day, even without trying. Especially the (in my opinion) revolutionalry Adversive Childhood Experiences *ACE* Study, it answered a lot of my questions and hunches...
Also that we have the space now to think about these things.

I am very sorry to hear about the suicide attempts. Sometimes during these peak times in our condition(s), all the negative thoughts and beliefs we have - we interpret as the ultimate truth, and its hard to get our heads from the clouds during this time.
I also dont know about your father, but i personally take a very strong stance on past abusers. 0 contact i stand by and i couldnt see it better any other way.

I am also glad you managed to tackle it on your own, due to my life circumstances now, atleast for the next few months i have to go on it on my own, but i will try to remember what has worked in the past.

Take care ,
roslie
 
I hope you are doing well - I had 2-3 big + many small traumas in one country where I live and have people...

Hi eloc! Thank you for your reply.

First I want to say as I was reading the end that im glad you have set proper boundaries, its extremely draining when we dont and i have experience of this too.

I find it interesting that people are recommending you to return to a specific place. unfortunately as you said, trauma tends to haunt us no matter where we are. but i understand if they are referring to "to avoid more traumatic events ", which i kind of fear when i return back to my home country. but i think the risk is more in my head.

I like your idea of being a bit more relaxed, let myself do what i need to do, ive been extremely critical of myself recently. If i saw someone in my shoes i would definitely say that they're putting way too much pressure on themselves.. so i really need to keep an eye on that and try to address the illogical guilt i have if i do actually care about myself..

take care ,
roslie
 
It is possible that space (especially from places where you have been hurt) means feeling sa...

Hi One step at a time *i like ur name!* thankyou for your reply,

I really agree with that and it was my main assumption during the beginning of this all.
The first few months, I dreamt of things I would struggle too remember if people asked me. I was so frustrated because it was the last thing i wanted, but i suppose it has to happen, sooner or later.
On the plus side its the first time in my life that I can see my history *my life as a whole* a lot more singular and connected, where as before it was very fragmented.
So much so that before I once met up with some old friends telling them its been a such a long time, already a few years, they looked at me with shock and said its only been 5 months. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Funnily enough, right after making the post above, i saw atleast 3 other posts in the most recent in the discussions section talking about very similar subjects i couldnt express in a few words!

Take care,
roslie
 
but i understand if they are referring to "to avoid more traumatic events ", which i kind of fear when i return back to my home country. but i think the risk is more in my head.

There is always risk you can avoid it, diminish it in your mind, mitigate it but you cannot eliminate it - so you have to mitigate it to an acceptable risk level. The thing is likeley versus unlikely we had whole matrixs to calculate risk level - so when you say its in your head you might be saying consciously unlikely but unconsciously you have a fear of it being likely- we have both in our heads. The irony is that I was made hypervigilent by my work and their insurer wants me to get back to my pre-trauma self - which would be working where I am in a job that obsesses about risk management and being risk aware ( but with PTSD) - but also not go back to a fragile context where risks are higher - so here I am back but not in the the context where I am paid to be hypervigilent. So there was a bomb very far away but in the same country but I was not required to read about it write a report on it and assess any implications . So you could be close to the risk but choosing not to engage with it - avoidance of a type but also getting on with business . Thats why I think be where you want to be but set up your safe limits that make you feel that the risk is unlikely and limited and have coping mechanisms in place for when your activation raises your hackles as you become less activated/anxious - shift your limits.

you have a fear of it being likely-
I meant to say possible here
 
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