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Anger Issues & How To Handle Bullies

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712xx

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Ever been so angry (ragry) that your core feels like it is uncomfortably swelling? My vision gets blurry & my periphery goes cloudy. I have a hard time taking a normal breath, my head starts hurting and – even if I wanted to physically fight the person making me so angry, I couldn’t because my muscles get really weak. I get so angry I want to kill.

There is still a well practiced rational part of my mind that keeps me from doing anything extreme. Before I was educated about how my body works, I tried to act on the extreme things going through my mind – or at least taken steps to act on it … but I don’t have immediate access to weapons or chemicals that could kill anyone, plus I’m not a big person, so in the process of finding something, the time it takes to seek out a deadly weapon does always calm me down enough to just cut & run away rather than harm them physically.

I’m not a physically aggressive person; I am in my mind – my thoughts go toward imagining killing them, but I’ve never actually gone beyond imagining, mostly because my body won’t let me. My nervous & immune system act against me every time. I’ve thrown a few punches before, but when I’m angry my muscles get so weak that I just end up looking stupid. My past experiences with this keeps me from trying to physically fight anyone, even though a lot of the time they deserve a good sock in the face. I wish I could do it, but I can’t, and maybe it is for the best.

I suck at verbal confrontations too. My verbal communication is mediocre at the best of times. My social skills in general are ... well, let's just say I'm well intentioned, but people usually misinterpret my meaning.

The best situations I’ve encounter, where someone was trying to tick me off … the best way I’ve been able to handle it is staying calm, thinking to myself that their insults don’t matter to me, not letting my body get too out of hand in reacting, & coolly telling them to find someone else to be immature with because I have better things to do with my time. I walk away. I can’t win in situations like than no matter how I react, (mainly because the aggressor & the audience are so immature).

The situation gets handled ok, but then the aftermath starts bothering & eating at me – the original aggressor gets away with the probing insults, and recruits others to do it. They get away with it because I can’t do anything about it. We are adults, so there isn’t anyone I can tell – even if we were kids, telling never helped then either; just made it worse.

My question is – how can we get grown adults to stop being a-hole bullies? And what form of punishment is appropriate for an adult who is acting like a schoolyard bully? It isn’t exactly illegal to annoy people. What really gets under my skin is other grown adults siding with the bully because of good looks, money, and is a (selectively) nice person when it is beneficial. I am speaking about specific people who have been in my life (college professors mainly), but I pose this question about all the adult bullies out there and how to handle them -- given our ptsd & other issues, I have a hard time knowing what the right thing to do is AND take care of myself at the same time.
 
My question is – how can we get grown adults to stop being a-hole bullies? And what form of punishment is appropriate for an adult who is acting like a schoolyard bully?

I don't think you can get people to change their behaviour. In some cases they will change, but because they want to and not because other people want them to. My experience of bullies is that they have very little self awareness so I doubt that one would decide to change.

The only thing we're in control of is our own response, and sometimes that means having to permanently remove ourselves from the situation. Otherwise, it's about doing what we need to protect ourselves practically and psychologically. There's little we can do to handle them, we have to focus on how we handle ourselves. It's not fair, but that's the reality.

As for punishment- ah, if only. I hate and loathe bullies. There's one I have to deal with at the moment and I have many lurid fantasies of him getting what he deserves. I may possibly even sometimes draw a picture of him and stick pins in it, once or twice a week. But that's as close as it gets.

I think bullies are quite troubled so perhaps they are already being "punished" in a way. It might look like they're getting away with it but I don't believe a bully can be happy or have peace of mind, or they wouldn't behave like that. Bullying comes from things like insecurity, jealousy and feeling powerless. I have PTSD but I'd rather be me than be in the head of the bully I have to deal with. His whole life is a fight and a game.
 
Thanks Hashi. Yeah, when I posted this, I was having one of those days where I just wanted to kick people through a wall. It is unfortunate that the ‘bad guys’ in real life are not as obvious as they are in fiction – even liked most of the time by most everyone else. I just know if I said anything to anyone they wouldn’t believe me, or think I was blowing it out of proportion. I don’t know, maybe I am just too sensitive.

Even the people present & taking part in the irritating poking … they don’t seem to care about my feelings. Grown people should know better. Given that they don’t know the severity of my issues, in a twisted way, makes it a bit more tolerable. And, you are right; they probably have issues of their own hiding behind the passive-aggressive poking.

There is no way I’d ever tell anyone more info than necessary – not sure I could ever trust anyone anymore. I have enough experience with mistakenly thinking it was ok to share a few things with someone, then the second we had an argument she threw everything I’ve shared in confidence in my face, hurting me with it and betrayed my confidence.

I’ve known it before, but things like that make me twice as sure that being my own best friend is the only way to get through life. Not letting other peoples’ opinions & insults shake my confidence or tear down my pride. It does feel nice to not hate myself after being picked at all day. I used to let others tear me down, but I’ve learned that no one can be my ally if I can’t be my own friend first.

Here's to self love!
--{@
 
Yes, I find this a problem with the bullies. I cannot stand them, they make me so angry. I keep myself under control. I feel the rage come to boiling point, maybe I make a snidy comment at them or shout, but keep everything else under control. It is very hard, you have to ignore them. Do not let them make your kettle boil over.
 
Thanks Anna. Bullies might be just one part of the issue; it is this whole having to make greater compromises and be more understanding than 'them', because I am the sick one with the issues (that they don't know or understand). It is a hard lesson to learn, and have to keep learning it; I have to accept that compassion isn't going to be on the menu 'out there' where most people don't understand ptsd. They hear about it, but it really can't be understood unless you experience it.

I don't want them to know; pretend to be just genetically inferior as the only implied explanation. I have to 'suck it up' and be my own voice of compassion. I have all these sayings in my head from the people who raised me, like: 'No one said life was fair', and 'Shape up or ship out', and 'You can't please everyone all the time, and sometimes it's you that isn't pleased'.

I'm on the extreme end of the introvert scale. We all have a metaphorical rubber band attactched to our personality and can stretch ourself across the scale to a certain extent. However, I feel like I'm always having to max out my rubber band just to pass as semi-normal. I'm not allowed to be my true self in social situations -- working is a different story. My work ethic is off the charts, which does help give me a few kernels of respect (at least till there is a social gathering like a holiday party -- then I cut & run).

Socializing seems to be a very important part of the work in any business. I am incapable of socializing for more than 15-20 minutes (and as long as I'm not doing the talking). This hinders my ability to work in a lot of places where I'd do well if they were not so liberal with their tongue. :speechless:

I saw a commercial calling for workers to apply in a certain career field, and within the list of attributes they were looking for, one of them was extrovert. It was the last one on the list and they said it really fast, so I wasn't sure. The ad came on again another day and I heard it again. So, they do take your personality into account when looking for workers. This is why I need to have my own business. If I'm fired, it will be my own fault. ;)
 
Yes. It is really hard. I have also had people laugh at my shaking. They don't know the reason behind it and put it down to me being nervous and shy. No way I would ever tell them anything about myself, then you just add fuel to their fire. I tend now to make nasty comments back to them or ignore them. Thankfully they have stopped. It made the first eight months at my workplace hell. Then the emotional numbing kicked in and honest I don't give a shit anymore about them or what they say. Strangely it stopped after that :)
 
I am dealing with this too. I am so angry, and it's hard to hold back. As a teen I wanted to kill, now I just want to do a very inappropriate character assasination. I do dissociate in these situations - become weak, out of breath, flushed. I used to just say anything to make them happy and go away before i throw a stapler at their head. Now I have recently started trying to say something - like I think we need to discuss this later. This can work sometimes. Occasionally, I've left work after one of these disgusting exchanges - feighned illness because I will not be productive for the rest of the day deconstructing what just happened and why I couldn't just have good boundaries.
 
Here is a scenero that may be familar to a lot of people:

Me: studying at the kitchen table
Step Father walks in: 'What are you doing?"
Me: "Studying"
Step Father: "Why?"
Me: "Um ... cuz I want a good grade." :cautious:
Step Father: "Why you doing that now? Isn't it kinda late in the year to worry about it now?"
Me: "Guess I want to improve. Is there something wrong with that?"
Step Father: "So all of a sudden you want to be a genius? What are you really doing?"
Me: I get upset, "Not genius, just better; go away."
Step Father: "Just think it is too late now; might as well do what you really want to do."
Me: start yelling, "REALLY WANT TO DO THIS, GO AWAY."
Step Father starts laughing and walks to the backyard.

By that time I'm so mad I storm to my room, slam the door and I hate the world, lol.

That was a long time ago, but was kind of a real turning point in my thinking and the things I wanted to do (this was when I was about 17). I started really actively wanting to improve myself (on my own), but the people in my life at that time were not supportive because they had only seen the scared, totally withdrawn girl that avoided everythng and everyone; didn't care about anything up till then ... but in hindsight, the wrong kinds of medications I was on could have been a contributing factor.

I started decreasing the amount of stuff I was taking -- I don't advise anyone here to do that, but it was when I was trying to get any control over my self and body as I possibly could. I was still unable to keep others from ruining the good healthy mood I was in, but it was a start. I had to learn (and still improving) how to handle other people who just wanted to ruin the productive mode I was in. Those modes of success were so rare, it made me really angry when anyone wanted to come and ruin it.

It is a struggle, I think, because I've had to fight for 'normal' things ... and work so hard to get to where everyone else is naturally. When people knock me down, not only does it feel bad, but they can so easily undo all the hard work it took to get to that point. It takes a lot of practice not to let people kick you backward, and destroy the progress. I might get kicked down sometimes now, but I refuse to take any steps back. It takes a lot more now to undo my pride and self-worth. :)
 
Here is a scenero that may be familar to a lot of people:

Me: studying at the kitchen table
Step Father walks in: 'What are you doing?"
Me: "Studying"
Step Father: "Why?"
Me: "Um ... cuz I want a good grade." :cautious:
Step Father: "Why you doing that now? Isn't it kinda late in the year to worry about it now?"
Me: "Guess I want to improve. Is there something wrong with that?"
Step Father: "So all of a sudden you want to be a genius? What are you really doing?"
Me: I get upset, "Not genius, just better; go away."
Step Father: "Just think it is too late now; might as well do what you really want to do."
Me: start yelling, "REALLY WANT TO DO THIS, GO AWAY."
Step Father starts laughing and walks to the backyard.
This is the problem with the definition of bullying. People have taken it outside the scope of what "bully" means and they apply it at a personal level to themselves. This is especially prevalent in those with prior trauma, because they may perceive others comments or discussion to be harsh or otherwise, but that does not make it bullying as such.

Bullying right now for terminology perpetuating across the www, is the definition of political correctness gone insane.

There are different methods in which the context can be used, and today, legally, many countries are still trying to define what fits bullying. Some US states have defined it legally, yet those who have all differ in their legal opinions of it. That is how much angst the terminology is causing.

You can aptly say, by big brother was bullying me to do it (coercion).

The problem though with the word "bullying" today is that people confuse the singular usage with the trauma usage, being bullying due to repetition that is either physical, emotional or verbal in nature, with that clear and distinctive repetition based on a power of balance.

Then you have personal feelings come into it, when what can be criticism is confused with bullying. Teachers impart knowledge upon students, they are in a position of power, however; is it bullying to lecture or question a student to try and get them to perform to a higher standard?

The above example of a parent questioning their child. Is that bullying or is it a parent questioning a child, or a parent expressing their opinion. The father walked away, they did not continue harassing their child. They questioned, discussed, had an opinion, then off they went. If that is bullying, then that is a clear indication as previously cited, about bullying gone insane due to political correctness.

This is another term I get nervous about when used on a site like this due to its traumatic nature, and in which bullying can be taken many ways... only some of which are actually traumatic in nature.
 
Thanks anthony, you are so right -- however, the thread kinda veered off the track a bit, and my scenerio was to pin point a turning point in my taking control of my life, and not meant to be an example of bullying. I'm sorry for confusing the issue.
 
I just wanted to let you know that I get really mad like that too! I can't work or really commit to anything because of my anger that comes out when I am triggered because I feel someone was mean. Complex ptsd is what I think does it.

I remember being a kid and being a bit odd due to my disocciations and insecurites from my sexual abuse at home. If people were mean to me, maybe it was because I was 'weird' from my abuse. Or maybe I was extra sensitive and people are just in general mean to each other. But I felt kids were mean to me because I was weird and dirty for being sexually abused.

So now, a trigger for me is when I perceive someone as bullying me or my daughter or being mean to one of us. I get so angry, and I shake, and I can't even voice myself properly. The adrenaline rush I had on February 24 when my daughter's school mistreated her still has me all weird and disocciated.

You are not alone. :)
 
I guess I (personally) have thought of myself as dealing with 'bullies' (at work) as their behaviour being threatening, or 'cohersion-or-else' threatening, if that makes any sense?
 
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