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Anniversary Season Begins Today

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Three years ago today, is the day when my life really began to unravel, only I had no idea for another year after that. My husband, brother, and I were in a serious car accident, which we all survived though the men were physically injured. My husband and I were parents of a 3 and a half year old and a 7 month old. I suddenly became the sole care-giver in the house. There are many things that went wrong during the next four months and many things that I struggled with. I did not understand that the wall of protection (from abuse throughout childhood and knowledge of DID) had broken. So I floundered a lot.

Last night my family went out for ice cream as a special treat. I had completely forgotten that it would be dark on the ride home. Internally, I freaked out. I didn't want to be in that car any more. And my mind went forward to today and I realized I didn't want anyone to drive today. Yet, I safely buckled my kids in the car, kissed them and my husband good-bye, and wished them positive days as they drove off for school.

I hate seeing the leaves on the trees change. I hate dark nights. I hate apple picking. I hate when my younger son coughs or cries. I hate the first snow. I hate when my older son is loud or demanding. All of those things are things I hate as a result of the car accident.

But the car accident is something we survived. And just because 3 years ago it changed my life so negatively, it doesn't mean that it has to continue to do so every year. Two years ago my therapist took me to the spot and I threw a rock as hard as I could and said loudly- I am taking back my life. I may not go to the spot today or throw a rock, but I think I will scream that I am taking my life back and perhaps I will make a list of ways I already have started to and things I am planning to do to keep doing so. That's my goal because I used to love the beauty of fall and I want to take that back.
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this again. Anniversaries are hard. I have the same type of thing. As soon as the weather starts to get colder, I know that my anniversary is coming up and I start going into anxiety attacks and depression. My anniversary is in November, but the cold air reminds me that it's the season. I think you have a great plan for today. I may try that this year to see if it helps. Mine will be 8 years this year and it just doesn't get any easier for me. I wish you all the best of luck in getting through this very troubling time. :hug:
 
When I read your list of things you hate, I could hear my T (in my head) saying, "You might want to find a different way of looking at that." Sorry! I've gotten kind of attached to that line, said with a certain dry irony.

You've been through a lot and you can celebrate the anniversary anyway you want to. That's entirely up to you. It crossed my mind, though, that all these issues from the past were there, somewhere below the surface, waiting to rise and get their due attention. Although your life before that wall came down was better, in a lot of ways, I wonder if you could have maintained it forever? I wonder if it wouldn't have come crashing down at some point, for some other reason? Maybe, even though it's been a mess, there's something to be said for getting started with this journey sooner, rather than later? Do you hate the abuse and the abusers that really caused all this as well? Me? I'd spend a little hate on that too.
 
"You might want to find a different way of looking at that."
Yeah, I think my therapist would say something similar!

Although your life before that wall came down was better, in a lot of ways, I wonder if you could have maintained it forever?
Nope, I couldn't have maintained it before. A huge crack was put in that wall with the pregnancy and birth of my younger son earlier that year. So looking back, I know sooner or later that wall was coming down and it does help to have some insight into certain things that I didn't understand before.

Do you hate the abuse and the abusers that really caused all this as well?
Absolutely. I just don't think to blame them for everything coming out even though I spent a good part of the last three months being reminded that "it is the fault of the abusers".
 
I just don't think to blame them for everything coming out
I guess they aren't to blame for everything coming out either. They're to blame for it being there, and hidden, in the first place. They probably wouldn't have WANTED it to come out. Really, having that wall come crashing down was mostly a "good" thing, even if messy, right? You could almost celebrate today as the start of your recovery, couldn't you?
 
They're to blame for it being there, and hidden, in the first place.
Yes, that's kind of what I was going for.

You could almost celebrate today as the start of your recovery, couldn't you?
I could. Mainly though I curse the day, but at the same time I am trying to take some steps towards thinking of it in a start to recovery sort of way, too. Thanks once again.
 
I am losing the hopefulness as the day wears on. The closer it gets to the actual time of the accident the more freaked out I am getting. And I am trying to stay present, but I keep losing that struggle. I tried to eat dinner with my family even though I wanted to hide away. I should have stayed hidden. My presence just ruins things. And when I heard the boys acting out during bath time, I just wanted to either scream or run out of the house or something worse. But I have kept myself in place and not done any of those things so I guess that is a positive. It is eerily quiet outside the bedroom door now. I just know any minute my husband will walk through the door and he will either show generous understanding or pity and I will just want to hide more. I don't understand how he can just treat this like any other day. But I guess part of that is because he doesn't remember the accident since he was unconscious and he didn't have as much baggage from his past as I did. Anyway, I will stop rambling and see if I can keep distracting myself.
 
I don't understand how he can just treat this like any other day.
That's probably because he doesn't have PTSD and, to him, it IS pretty much just another day. Especially if he doesn't remember the accident.

I hope you made it through the rest of the day and that tomorrow will be a fresh start and a better day!
 
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