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ED Anorexia and cptsd

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hermione

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I have complex ptsd and anorexia and depression and anxiety. my anorexia is in a big spiral right now which my therapist warned me about with it coming up to all painful anniversaries and i was already struggling now i don't want to stop losing weight and i just lost and my nutritionist told me i can't lose anymore weight i have lost too much and am too low a weight which i don't know the number from her but i have a scale and it is not near my lowest so i don't see the problem. i feel i control this even though i know i am out of control its like i can't stop right now like i need to restrict i need to starve. i have been self harming too but i stopped for two weeks but restricted more in that time so its like i switched behaviors. anorexia is really so hard sometimes i feel like shit a lot of the time like i am going to pass out and i am scared it will happen at work and i work in a daycare and i try to eat there to make no one know. people comment on my size a lot but i let it go i am thin but not too thin to look sickly i don't think....i am seeing my nutritionist next week but then i have a couple vacations so i won't see her for 3 weeks i see that as open game to lose. i hate this sometimes its so difficult. i have been inpatient numerous times and in psych wards and what not but i am scared i am going to be forced to treatment...i just wish i could stop...
 
i have been inpatient numerous times and in psych wards and what not but i am scared i am going to be forced to treatment...i just wish i could stop...

Why are you scared about being forced into treatment when you have people there, that want to help save your life? It seems to me that you are more afraid of gaining extra weight. Is this what you really fear? Because if you do want to quit and feel powerless and helpless, then it is just common sense to begin to try reaching out and co operating with those seeking to help you?
 
treatment in the past has made me worse not better maybe because i didn't want to get better but i usually just do worse there or have in the past thats why my therapist doesn't usually push me inpatient very quickly...
 
You're welcome it's a hard thing for me but if I keep losing I may have no choice in the matter of inpatient... the other day I was like in a trance and lost time and I had no idea what I did for hours my therapist said it is probably from lack of food and I need to eat more...I shouldn't have let it get this far but I have and I always go back to my eating disorder when times are rough and I block out all the negative side effects and just let it spiral...
 
I can sooo relate to what you are dealing with right now. I wish there was some really easy answer and a quick fix. What has worked for me is a hodgepodge of different things... I spent a lot of my life in and out of treatment and hospitals for anorexia. I know I have the knowledge and skills to pull myself up when I initially feel the slip happening...sometimes I simply don't want to because the ED way of coping with my feelings is SO much easier and less painful (but not). I've walked the tight rope between stable and tipping towards unstable more times then I'd like to admit. Each time I slide a bit back it's not as drastic as the time before and I utilize my learned skills, inner resources, support system etc. quicker which aids in getting my feet on stable ground. For once, I have a T who trust in my ability to govern myself and this has been huge. I needed a person who trusted me and my ability to take care of my body. Her trust grows my trust in myself. I've always lacked that.
I wish I had some amazing words of knowledge to help you. Trust in your ability to know what you need as far as support, treatment, skills etc. goes. As hard as it is sit with it, feel the crap instead of numbing it with the initial bliss of starving. Often when I really am just not wanting to do it (eat etc) it helps me to remind myself of why I need to. I never want to go inpatient again, like EVER. To stay out I need to eat, follow my meal plan and most importantly talk, be honest and be real.
 
Thanks for the support I have also spent a great deal of time in and out of hospitals and day programs and iop's I know the skills I think I just don't always apply them. This is a hard time of year so numbing seems good I am eating just not enough it's hard to force myself past safe foods and like not doing supplements I am supposed to since I am to gain and maintain. My therapist is wonderful but letting me do as I choose and supporting me with other things and not focusing on the food and weight. She trusts me but I need to start making the right choices...it's just so painful right now...
 
You do know that even though anorexia is difficult to get a grip on, it will eventually shut down your organs. Your body needs fuel and without fuel well death occurs. I’ve been anorexic and I know the lingo and the disease all to well. You’re probably in denial on how thin you really are. People commenting on your size is because you are way to thin.

Please consider getting some help...
 
My best friend died of her eating disorder I know the risks and tonight I told my therapist I am fine and she said that is what your best friend used to say she said she has seen this story...my friend had more health issues though she had diabulimia so had added complications...she then told me I am older and my body can't do what it did when I was younger... my stomach is messed up and she said not emotionally I am either constipated or having diarrhea...she said that signifies something isn't right ...I am in denial i believe nothing bad will actually happen to me and that I am fine and eating enough... this is a bad time of year I always relapse...
 
really struggling i have started purging again which is not good its after everything i eat which isn't even much...i am supposed to do supplements as well and am not this is the story of my life spirialing out of control...that's how i feel having such a hard time and inpatient keeps coming up my therapist and psychiatrist say i look terrible not just thin just in general and i do see it like i am breaking out and am pale and grey always signs of restriction for me i hope to some how get out of this hole just in deep...
 
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