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Another day another flashback

Discussion in 'Dissociation, Depersonalization & Derealization' started by wishforescape, Sep 14, 2017.

  1. wishforescape

    wishforescape Active Member

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    Today it hit me again. I was at work. Had to hide for 20 min to get through the flashback. Horrendous feelings, body memories and words running through my head.
    I cried in the end. Like a little girl who had just been hurt. Then I got back to work and was in a daze. Then became hyper focused on work and forgot about this flashback
    It feels strange to go through these things on and off for two years now and never know what's real. Never know how to deal with them.
    I feel like in some way I have gotten better at thinking about flashbacks like a chore almost: feel the emotion, the body sensation, cry... and then go on with life.
    Nothing really makes sense anymore.
    So I just live my life like this.
    I am just writing this down as a reminder that today I had a flashback because I know at some point I will think "nah I don't get those anymore"...
     
    Ronin likes this.
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  3. Snowglobe

    Snowglobe New Member

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    Hi I've just joined the forum and noticed you just did to. Do you have therapy to help you process your trauma? I can relate to what you are experiencing especially when you say you have an intense experience of the flashback and then think later did that really happen - even though you know on one level you had been crying and reliving in the toilets for 20 mins and then having to manage the aftermath of feeling disconnected and awful. It sounds exhausting to manage at work. I don't understand either how it's possible to forget if that happened or not but I to have flashback episodes sometimes massive ones especially in therapy and yet they kind of ebb away after. Maybe that's why they still intrude through flashback - because they are pushed away memories that need processing to bring up and defuse....? Perhaps the disconnect afterwards to whether it happened is our natural instinct to push it away so even the experience of reexperiencing is automatically made to get repressed. It's got to be brought out in therapy worked through and put away properly so you control it and it doesn't control you anymore and until that happens the flashbacks will continue to be activated......that's my understanding of it. I hope it helps to know you aren't alone with managing this sort of flashback forgetting and I to have to write things down so I don't forget. I find doubting my mind and memory is an added painful twist to the pain and damage of ptsd because it leaks into my life to confuse and complicate things when I'm just trying my hardest to hold it together. I hope it gets better/more manageable soon for you. Is your boss aware / supportive?
     
  4. wishforescape

    wishforescape Active Member

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    Hi Snowglobe, thank you for your response. Yes I am in therapy for the last two years. Few months into therapy is when my flashbacks started. Noone at my work is aware of this. I just try my best to still be productive, though unfortunately I work in an abusive environment as well.
    I do believe that it will be best to work these out in therapy. But I always get so scared and doubtful and ashamed :(.
    Right now I think I would decompensate too much if I tried to talk about flashbacks. This time around I am thinking to maybe pick the middle ground. Share with my therapist the I had a flashback and it was upsetting, but not share any details about it.
    I am sorry you are going through a similar experience, though it really helps to know I am not the only one out there.How are you dealing with all this? Are you able to share in therapy?
     
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