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Another Newbie - Friend Committed Suicide, Town Turned Back on Me

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by brainless_twit, Jul 17, 2007.

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  1. brainless_twit

    brainless_twit New Member

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    Hi all,

    I was first diagnosed with PTSD ten years ago, when I was 14. Now, at 24, I am seeing the same therapist and trying to accept the fact that I have chronic PTSD. I will say it was much easier to accept the dx when I thought it was just temporary, but apparently it's here to stay.

    When I was 13, my best friend committed suicide. I live in a small town, and the gossip mill started churning - people said we had a suicide pact (we didn't), that I encouraged her to do it, that I was dangerous and deranged. So on top of losing my best friend of 7 years, I was also alienated from other kids at school because their parents didn't want them around me. Her parents also believed the rumors; I talked to them once after she died, but they didn't want to talk to me. I sent them several letters but never got a response. Other kids from our school were invited to their home to look at pictures and talk about their memories with her, but not me. It truly ripped my life apart. I wasn't suicidal in any way before she died, but I definitely was afterward because of the way people treated me.

    I never firmly resolved all the issues surrounding that trauma. I was released from therapy after almost a year because I was coping better and having fewer flashbacks. However, the suicidal ideation never went away and still hasn't. In one way, it is almost comforting to me to know that it's an option. Not one I plan to act on, but it's there. I like knowing I could have some kind of control if I wanted to.

    About the time I stopped going to therapy, I met a great guy who is now my husband. I got pregnant a few months after we met (yes, I was 14, when he was born I was 15) and we now have a son who will be 9 next month. We didn't get married until 2002 because I didn't want to marry him just because we had a child together. I had lots of hard times throughout our relationship, but overall my life seemed so much better because I could talk to him. He has never experienced PTSD or even depression, but he has always tried to understand. He supported me while I went to college and grad school - I am now a master-prepared social worker, and had intentions of becoming a therapist.

    Last summer, I finished my master's degree and had a nervous breakdown. I was so used to doing school work and writing papers, I didn't know what to do just sitting at home. I would come up with things to look up online to keep from panicking, and as a result, I spent way too much time on the computer. My husband started going to a martial arts school and I was glad because when he was gone, I could be online without him griping. By the end of the summer, we were hardly speaking to each other and I still didn't have a job.

    On our son's birthday (of all days) I learned that my dear, wonderful husband was emotionally involved with a coworker. The "relationship" had not become physical yet, but it was headed in that direction. When I confronted him, he told me he wanted a divorce. That he loved me but wasn't IN love with me. That this coworker was so beautiful and understanding and wonderful, and that I wasn't any of those things any more. As I burst into tears, he said he felt so relieved to know it was "over" and went to bed. I was completely stunned.

    Every feeling and memory from my friend's suicide came rushing back. It was literally like being knocked over by an ocean wave. I started having the auditory flashbacks, only intermingled now with the harsh things my husband said to me. I kept seeing his face over and over saying, "I think we should just get a divorce." In the weeks following discovery of the betrayal, I totally lost it. I couldn't even drink water without vomiting. I couldn't get dressed, I couldn't answer the phone when people called me for job interviews (we ended up filing Chapter 7 last September). I would lie in bed all day and relive that night, the couple of days afterward, my friend's suicide, my grandmother's death in 2005... Everything hit at once and I was totally unable to function.

    After several false starts, we are working on reconciling. I can't even describe how badly shaken I've been by this - my husband was my safe place, I trusted him completely, and he betrayed me! Everything I thought I knew about life and the world has been destroyed. To learn that he is capable of falling in love with someone else makes me wonder what other horrors he is capable of. He is so remorseful, and when I'm not upset, I can look at it intellectually and see how it happened and that it could have just as easily been me. He was just looking for approval and an ego boost, and all he got from me is complaints.

    Anyway, I have thrown all my psychotherapy training out the window and am working as a social worker in a dialysis center. I like what I do, but it's so different from being a therapist. I just realized that I have no right trying to deal with people's mental health when I can't even straighten out my own. Plus, since all this, my self-esteem is obliterated and I can't even maintain eye contact. I don't know what kind of therapist I would be if I can't even look my clients in the eye! I'm lucky that no one at my current job really knows or understands what I'm supposed to do, because I am not functioning at all. I surf the internet all day and only do the work that I absolutely must do.

    Yesterday I went back to therapy (with my original therapist) to try to get my life back together. I started 50mg Zoloft last night and am hoping it will kick in pretty quickly. It's so scary, though, to imagine feeling better or different after wallowing and suffering for so long. I don't know what I'm like when I'm not this way, so it's extremely weird for me.

    Anyway, I am so sorry for this huge novel. I have just never had an opportunity to talk about this with people who might actually understand, and I have needed to get some of this out for a long time. I look forward to getting to know you all.
     
    nie likes this.
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Hi Brainless, welcome to the forum.

    (love your name, call myself that quite often! lol)

    Starting to heal, again, is always a scary thing. I'm glad you went back to your therapist, whom you seem to trust. There is lot's to read and many stories of similarity here. Our common thread is PTSD and we are like a family from it! Talk to you soon.

    bec
     
    nie likes this.
  4. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    HI,

    Welcome to the forum.......:hello: I am glad that you have found this place. It's a great place for comfort, learning, and to know that you aren't alone.

    I have to respectfully disagree with Bec on the name issue......I really think that when we call ourselves names such as Brainless twits, Idiots, stupid and so forth .... It only reinforces our already low self esteem. I guess if used in a joking way, or to be funny.....But if you really feel that you are a brainless twit, I personally don't think it's a good thing.....My therapist didn't either when I would use names to degrade myself, such as the ones I just stated.

    It so hard when dealing with PTSD. There isn't just the one thing, it's a combination of things. Depression, flashbacks, auditory, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, low self esteem, ect, ect, ect........

    What I got out of your post was low self esteem, and depression.....Might be your biggest problems to deal with. I hope that you can find ways to deal with them. I know it's hard because your friend has been gone for so long, and you were ostracized by her family and town, but remember this....She was your friend. She chose you to be friends with. You had a special friendship together. So no matter what anyone else says.......YOU were special to her......Remember that always!!!!!!!!!

    I also wish you the best with your husband....Even though you have lost trust in him... Forgiveness can be obtained again, and you can learn to trust him. He will have to earn that trust, but it can be done.....

    Again Welcome to the forum...

    Wendy
     
  5. brainless_twit

    brainless_twit New Member

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    Thanks to both of you for the welcome. To clarify, my user name is just something I've used for a long time on several forums. Though I guess I do feel that way sometimes, I've never really taken it seriously.

    :hello: I can't wait to get to know everyone!
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi, welcome to the forum. Well, if you have read anything from me thus far, you would know I call a spade a spade, and I am on the opposite of bec in regards to your name, because your putting yourself down, and it merely reflects your current self esteem level... pretty much non-existant. I think you came to the right place, and hopefully in time you might consider having me change your username to something like: Confidence or the like, demonstrating a new you... only time will tell I guess.

    The good thing here is that with your training you off all people should already realise that only you can fix you, nobody else, so that cuts a lot of the BS out of the way I think. You know that others can only support you, guide you in the right direction, and here to bounce ideas from, thoughts and perceptions. Basically, when you think its all your fault, we're here to listen and provide you a non-biased viewpoint, hopefully steering your mind back on its correct logical path.

    If you haven't guessed BT, I have taken a shining too you already from your very well written introduction, outlining what the problem is, the emotional impact it has upon you, and the current state of mind. I wish all people could know themselves, and be as honest with themselves, as you are. Well done.

    I suspect it wasn't the suicide itself that gave you PTSD, but more the way you where treated for so long by those that you thought loved you, liked you, even you trusted, all turned on against you. That is more often devastating relating emotionally than the initial act itself. As you said, this also hindered your ability to heal your initial traumatic event, thus now things were made worse, thus the snowball effect took place within you. Pity.... people can be so cruel and closed minded.
    Now do you think this was really meant to be? Do you think this occured more so because you yurned for emotional support, someone to lean upon because your mind required constant loving, comfort and support, all the things your friends and town turned their back upon to you?
    Why would you do this? I am curious to what your reasons are. Sorry, very to the point, blunt and honest. Is it for the right reasons or the wrong? Is it for what society believes be correct, or what you feel and know is correct? I am talking about the pressures, the thoughts of children needing both parents, so the parents remain unhappy believing its for the best interest of the child, yet the children would rather you both be seperated and happy than together and miserable.

    You are no doubt well aware you will never trust him the same now, ever! If you cannot trust your partner, you have lost the battle before it began. I am a dubious person about relationships being rekindled when one partner has cheated, or left a relationship for another, then try and get back together. 99.9% of the times it happens, its for all the wrong reasons, guilt, remorse, simply needing someone they feel some sort of comfort with at that time in their life, etc etc.... all the wrong reasons, not reciprocal love. Once trust is broken, your relationship will be nothing more than an act, never a relationship, because you will "always" have in the back of your mind what has occured in the past, because you have been emotionally hurt now. That isn't easy to fix at all.

    What are his intentions for wanting to suddenly reconcile if your looking to get back together into a relationship? What are yours if your willing to share?
     
  7. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    you people have no sense of humor! :tongue:

    bec
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    He he he he....... I should have asked actually.... BT, is your username a reflection of how you feel, or is it idiocratic humour?
     
  9. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Actually your name is pretty funny in an offbeat way. Obviously it's up to you what you have for a username and if it's just for fun then that's cool. I used to do the same thing myself, the 2 usernames I always used were "frying pan brains" and "homicidal maniac". At the time I thought I was being really funny, but I was also very depressed then. I would never use a name like that now. A username is your online identity, it's like you're telling people what you think of yourself, and how you want them to view you. I believe even if it's in fun, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you tell your conscious or subconscious mind that your brainless or a twit, the more you will actually act like one and believe you are one. At least, that's my belief. I try really hard not to call myself any names anymore, even if it's just something that seems really minor. Not saying I'm any where near healed yet, but I have noticed major changes in myself since I've eliminated even tiny negative things in my life. Anyways obviously it's up to you what you do, if you don't think it's hurting you then it's cool. Just thought I'd share my thoughts as I used to do the same thing.

    I'm really sorry to hear of the suicide your friend. My father committed suicide, it's a really difficult experience to go through, you never really get closure, at least not totally. Anyways welcome to the forum and I hope you enjoy your time here and get a lot of out of it. I know I have.
     
  10. reallydown

    reallydown I'm a VIP

    hi BT, welcome to the forum.
     
  11. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

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    Hi... welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry that things have been so tough. It sounds like an awful experience for a teenager to go through, and then for your marriage to break down and trigger everything back up.

    The long post is cool... it's nice to know a little about people when they start here. It helps us, and it helps you.

    Read you soon!

    Lisa.
     
  12. brainless_twit

    brainless_twit New Member

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    Thanks again to all of you who responded. Anthony, I'll try to answer your questions without too much blabbering.

    The user name - Seriously, it's just something I've used since I was a teenager. I thought I was being witty when I came up with it - I was posting on a gifted/talented student forum and meant it as an oxymoron. I have never taken the time to come up with something I like better. On most forums, it's been shortened to BT and I never really think about it.

    About my son - I'm not sure if I understand the question you were asking. It seems like (correct me if I'm wrong) you are asking if I got pregnant on purpose. The pregnancy was a complete accident - I was on birth control but didn't realize that antibiotics would make it less effective. I never really liked kids; still don't, if you want to know the truth. I love my son and wouldn't trade him for anything, but I won't be having any more!

    My husband - We have not separated at all through this ordeal. The day after he said he wanted the divorce, we talked for a long time and decided that wasn't the best idea. However, he thought it was okay to be friends with her, and he kept contacting her behind my back and hiding it from me. The magnitude of what he was doing didn't really hit until we started talking about who would move out of the house, child support, what attorney to use, etc. For a long time, he felt like he had done too much damage and we might as well divorce because I would never forgive him.

    My reasons for staying in the marriage are numerous. First and foremost, I love my husband. He has worked hard to provide for us and put me through school, he has never been physically/mentally/verbally abusive, we share many common interests, we are able to talk about anything and everything, he is a wonderful father, he knows exactly how to encourage me when I'm anxious or depressed... I could go on for quite awhile. Other reasons (less important) for staying are finances, our son, and our values as individuals and as a couple.

    I can't really speak for him, but I am sure his reasons are very similar. He has done a lot of work on himself, in counseling and with my help at home, and he realizes that he had inappropriate boundaries. Also, the girl he had feelings for ended up being a lunatic - she egged our cars, wrote on our house with shoe polish, called my job and told them I was faking credentials... It's ridiculous. My husband knows now that his feelings weren't real - they were based on a fantasy world where bills, kids, overgrown grass, and responsibility didn't exist. Of course this girl was understanding - she didn't have to live with him! He didn't want someone else; he wanted me the way I was before. That was the first time he had seen me during a major depressive episode, and he really thought the person I had been was just gone.

    The decision to remain married is far more difficult than it would be to divorce. However, I believe in second chances and I am firm in my choice to stay with my husband. I can't waste time worrying about whether something bad will happen because I have no control over anyone but me. I can only decide what my actions will be if something like this happens again, and I can assure you I won't be so forgiving a second time! I have realized that I could have ended up in the same situation - we weren't talking or spending time together, we were both lonely... If I had met someone who complimented me and made me feel better about myself, I'm sure it would have looked much better than my marriage did at the time. It's because of that realization that I'm able to stay and fight through this.

    I just read the above and I must be under the placebo effect from the Zoloft, because that sounds so much calmer and more rational than I ever am.
     
  13. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Bt,

    I just read your post and thought that you sounded extremely reasonable, rationale, and unbelievably very level headed....I give you so much credit for what you have been through, and for the way that you are handling it. Way to go girl!!!!!!!

    I believe that you truly do love your husband, and will get over what has happened, and I also think that if he pulls that crap again.... You will kick his butt to the curb faster than he can walk to it.... LOL!!!!! 2nd chances are a good thing sometimes, but after that NO WAY!!!!!

    I also loved your honesty about your son. I too never wanted children. I got pregnant at 17 and my mother forced me to have my daughter. I was young, had been abused sexually, mentally, emotionally, and physically from my family members. I had no parenting skills, and was out of control. Needless to say, my daughter is now 35, with 2 children, and we haven't spoken in 4 yrs. I miss them. Oh well another story for another day.

    You are doing great so far... Keep posting and we will all be here for you...

    Wendy
     
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