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Any advice or thoughts?

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Deleted member 42665

I don't per say have PTSD, but I have suffered childhood emotional abuse that has really messed me up mentally and socially. I come here on this forum to support others who are struggling. Anyway.... here is what happened...

My T and I are very close. He has been super friend like for months with me, doing all sorts of things that are very "grey area" and I thought maybe after therapy we would have a chance at friendship. I had hope for it. He knows I wanted that too. I brought it up months back.

He also knows I struggle with touch issues. My whole life I felt like I was gross or repulsive so I would not even want to touch people, let alone actually do it, I didn't want to make them sick or uncomfortable.

I decided today to tell him, that I been having urges to touch him. Putting arm around him or on shoulder, hold his hand etc, and I even apologized for having those urges. I was so sick, this was terrible for me, I felt so dirty to even say it.

Then, he basically said he was glad I said it and he gets it but he can't allow touch because it is too friend like, too friend like?? After all the BS he has done already??? He even previously told me he would work on touch with me and allow me to touch him at times.

I feel so rejected, gross and dirty. I never want to even consider touching someone again, so I can be rejected again. This is the only person I am ok with touching in my life, we hug often and I don't have support much in my life. I dont have urges to touch anyone else. This is the person I trusted most in my life and he rejected me, I feel like I should just go die somewhere. I'm so useless and ugly.

He's probably vomiting at the thought of it all. He told me to "touch my dog" instead, which is so ******, since A-- I do anyway and B-- its not the same as people....

I don't understand why he could not of just said yes we can do touches when we both agree before hand and not a complete blow off. I feel so low about myself.
I don't know I want to even go back.

Do not suggest someone else either because there is no way I am gonna spend money on someone else to be hurt and rejected by them at some point to. No thank you

I am not sure if I should tell him how it made me feel, what good will it do? Or If I should go back? He is all excited he is getting more clients in a few months and I'm sure he wont miss my ugly ***. He will have more exciting and non gross people to help.

I really hate how badly this went, in one instant, it re-enforced everything I believed about how others perceive me touching or wanting to touch them. He was so good to me too, I just can't even understand how this went so badly.

I should also add, I am extremely attached to him and I recently lost my beloved dog and that shook my world, I am not sure I can handle losing him so soon after and have no support to get through it.

Since this happened, we spoke on the phone as well and he basically thinks I have feelings for him and tried to assure me its common but I don't feel anything romantic to him, friend like sure but he knows that, I told him months ago. I'm so nervous to go back but I feel like I have to, just abruptly leaving him will mess me up even more. Feed back please?
 
Why are you in a ptsd forum when you don’t have ptsd?

Ptsd results from a specific type of trauma.

Advice that helps someone with ptsd may not help someone who doesn’t have ptsd, and vice versa.

I’m blocking you. No wonder I don’t agree with anything you say. You don’t have ptsd and therefore can’t see anything from a ptsd point of view.

(Emotional abuse doesn’t cause ptsd.)
 
Why are you in a ptsd forum when you don’t have ptsd?

Ptsd results from a specific type of tr...

Fine don't have additional support... geez. Just someone delete my post then, I don't need this abuse here too... whoever can delete it, please do.
 
Why are you in a ptsd forum when you don’t have ptsd?

Ptsd results from a specific type of tr...

This is incorrect. Emotional abuse can cause PTSD! It is known as C-PTSD. The OP says they do not have PTSD per say. This may simply mean that they have not been diagnosed with it which does also not necessarily mean they do not have it or many of the same traits as someone who was diagnosed with it and cannot find this forum helpful or ask for advice IMO. I find your post quite harsh...

I don't per say have PTSD, but I have suffered childhood emotional abuse that has really messed me u...
I'm sorry you are hurting right now. It sounds like your T was trying to set boundaries and didn't handle it very well. It does not mean you are gross or untouchable. You say he already offers hugs. I would not change T's because of this but can see why it causes you so much hurt and anger. It would be helpful to discuss these feelings in the next session. Maybe writing it down on paper might help with some of the pain until that happens.
 
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Wow, okay, so I was pretty blown away by the first response you got because there’s a lot of people here in therapy and you know what? This actually comes up a lot.

Have you had a look through the therapy forum? Particularly stuff about transference.

One thing is for sure - you are hurling insults at yourself that must be incredibly painful for you to bear. Whatever the issue between you and your T, it doesn’t make you disgusting or bad or worthless. It actually makes you pretty human that you’d have these feelings about your T. Happens a lot.

It’s not going to be easy to work through this with your T, but I think it might be important to do that. Best of luck.
 
Wow, okay, so I was pretty blown away by the first response you got because there’s a lot of p...

How do I know if its romantic feelings though? All I want from him is friendship. Also, how can one work through it per say? I feel like it will just end in pain, hurt and rejection.

Yes the first reply made me feel even worse.... like I don't belong here either.... thanks for the support.
 
I have read that severe on going emotional abuse as a child can cause ptsd. My best friend has it for that very reason. I am guessing that you and your therapist went over the checklist and determined that you don’t have it.

It sounds to me like you have become attached to your T. In some ways I feel that he is applying boundaries to you and you feel rejected. I know that I would also feel rejected. I have a really hard time believing that people care when they put a boundary in place that wasn’t there from the start.

You may also want to consider that as often as you say this isn’t the case, you may have fallen for your T. Do you daydream about how cool it would be if he decided to pursue you? Just be as honest with yourself as you can on this.

Good luck!
 
I have read that severe on going emotional abuse as a child can cause ptsd. My best friend has it for...

I actually never asked him about PTSD... we have only recently began talking about the childhood abuse and he is seeing first hand how it effects me so much still.... like I kept apologizing on the phone over this and even now, I want to shower at how dirty I feel for just wanting to touch him.

I do daydream about hanging out, but dating? No. I don't think I am mentally capable of having a romantic relationship with anyone really.
 
I feel like it will just end in pain, hurt and rejection.
To be totally straight? Dealing with this I think will be painful.

But not dealing with it is potentially going to be catastrophic to your recovery.

It’s likely you aren’t the first patient that this T has worked through this issue with. And you won’t be the last. It’s that normal.

To develop feelings (of friendship or more) for someone who listens to us, gives us compassion and empathy, believes in our future... Kind of makes sense, yeah?
 
I actually never asked him about PTSD... we have only recently began talking about the childhood abu...
Has he not had you fill out those questionnaires that kind of sort out the possibilities? Both my T and P-doc started with that. I hope you don’t have ptsd. It really sucks the life out of a person, but I would hope he would identify what you need.
 
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