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Approach In Therapy

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Thank you. I needed validation for why this just wasn't safe for me at this point in time. I don't know if exposure therapy is every going to be safe for me. I can't detach like she instructed and "skim" therapy. It's counter-intuitive for me at this point in time. It didn't make sense to me at the time and still doesn't. I raised questions then and still am now. I wonder if this is yet another therapist who just doesn't fit the bill for me. I've been through 4 so far this year and it just doesn't seem to be right. I've questioned her suitability from the get-go and now I'm just sure of it. She does have several negative attitudes, especially as it relates to narcissists and my parenting/bosses. She rants on it sometimes. It's off-putting. I know some folks are narcissistic and I've had the unfortunate experience of dealing with quite a few; however, I'm not going to the extremes that she does. It has raised several questions in my mind as to whether I'm with the right therapist from day one. I need someone who listens and who is chilled - not someone who goes on tirades of her own devising and who spends a lot of my sessions giving speeches in this regard or prattling on about her own life.

Despite all of that, I went in asking for stabilization and coping mechanisms, and I'm given this assignment? It doesn't make sense. I wish I could find a T who was careful and looking out for my best interests. You know, a professional.

I'm afraid of being alone. I feel like I need someone to guide me. Time to look upward and pray for guidance, I guess. I can do this. I can heal and I can maintain. I don't need a human to tell me who I am or where I am. Support can take different forms. I think I'll give Al Anon and ALZ support groups a chance. Plus, my MD is going to be my accountability partner, so she will be there at least 1 x per month to check in. I just wish I had a partner or friends. Life kind of is lonely right now. Oh well. Thanks so much. Time to get on with it, right?

Do you think it's worth another conversation this Saturday? VB
 
I don't know if exposure therapy is every going to be safe for me.

I went in asking for stabilization and coping mechanisms

You know what you need, and, like me, you know that exposure isn't going to be safe UNTIL you've got the stabilisation and coping skills. If this woman can deliver those, or even a start on those, then persist with her, if she can't then say goodbye. I'm sorry that sounds so flat and simplistic, but what you are asking for is not outrageous; it's the standard approach for complex trauma.

I know from my own experience that trying to do it in the wrong order is dangerous, and I know how hard it can be to find someone who will work as we need. But I'd say don't give up, keep looking and asking for what you need.
Time to get on with it, right?
But not time to get on with it alone, or in a self-punitive way. Time to learn and grow with someone trustworthy, when you find them.
 
Thank you so much. I need to hear this again and again, as I don't ever believe myself when hit comes to setting boundaries. I am a people-pleaser and a perfectionist - a toxic combo, and it just seems to short-circuit my ability to take care of myself. Also, I have that learned helplessness thing and that tells me to trust everyone but myself. A lot of second-guessing and questioning. I would have thought I'd be past this by this point in the game as I've been in therapy for over 10 years with some pretty damaged folks and also in life with the same. Mercy, when am I going to find peace?!

So, this therapist. I want to go in and tell her that her assignment troubled me and made no productive sense, and then go into a discussion about the positive I've accomplished and the positive bubbles I've experienced in the past year or two. Hello, flashbacks? I, truly, think that makes way more sense than concentrating on the negative that others have done to me. Life is a challenge and I am not alone in this. It's about how we handle adversity, right? I am stronger for all the bad stuff and I know that. I also know there are Pandora's boxes that needs the lids firmly shut with five layers of packing tape around them. I need good, positivity, encouragement, etc... and not to open these boxes. I'd be with a trauma specialist for that. Given my network,, that thought is terrifying.

The most productive time I remember having is when my doc and I partnered to concentrate on what I was doing that was healthy for myself consistently. Then, we'd add something from there. It makes sense to me. Far more sense than recording life's woes and damage from others. I know people have harmed me, why continue to give them the power to ruin my life now? Setting boundaries?! Life is very complicated and upsetting right now. There is a lot of jeopardy involved, but I have to "trust" in my higher power and in my own efforts.

I agree that I don't need to be alone, professionally or otherwise, I just don't know who to turn to who is also in my network. I feel like a failure at therapy and that maybe this is supposed to continue to linger as a downward spiral as it has for 10 years. What did I do wrong? Why am I so bad that I deserve this? I fight these questions with my faith. I'm exhausted with just me and God fighting this. I have no friends or support. I went to Meetup groups today to figure out who I could spend time with that wouldn't threaten me, but who would at least provide interaction. It's like I don't know how to interact with others. Weird, as I used to be a community relations manager.

I'm trying, but it feels like I'm going in circles. I just wish I had a job so that I could afford quality care. Who does BC contract with anyway?!? My goodness, I've had nothing but sucky therapists. It does make it feel like it's me.

Maybe I should take in what I've worked on this week to the T and then see what she proposes/how she responds. I just feel like it's a fight each time to defend my beliefs. I'm not a negative or judgmental person, and I don't want that in my face each week. It is about my needing to defend myself so that I hear myself?

Is it possible that I'm missing her point/the point of the therapy? I've never had good therapy so I don't know. Can someone wave a wand and make all of this go away? Tks. VB
 
It's not that your T is doing it 'wrong' it's just not right for you, I think you just need to tell her that you don't feel safe enough for this type of work.

Although if she is judgemental and makes you feel like you have to defend yourself these are not good qualities for a T.
 
Thank you for your insight. I like it as it's nonjudgmental. I just don't want to hurt her feelings. I know, crazy, but well, that's just me. Oversensitive and not wanting to hurt someone. Thanks again. VB
 
Your T needs to keep you safe, it's not a criticism of her that you are not able to work this way, it's actually you being aware and sensible enough to look after yourself. She should respect that and look at working on helping you feel stable.
 
So, this therapist. I want to go in and tell her that her assignment troubled me and made no productive sense, and then go into a discussion about the positive I've accomplished and the positive bubbles I've experienced in the past year or two. Hello, flashbacks? I, truly, think that makes way more sense than concentrating on the negative that others have done to me. Life is a challenge and I am not alone in this. It's about how we handle adversity, right? I am stronger for all the bad stuff and I know that. I also know there are Pandora's boxes that needs the lids firmly shut with five layers of packing tape around them. I need good, positivity, encouragement, etc... and not to open these boxes. I'd be with a trauma specialist for that. Given my network,, that thought is terrifying.
VB

You know that you need to open those boxes at some point, right? I'm not saying right now and I'm not saying this is the right person for you to do it with but as long as those boxes stay taped up and stuck, you won't properly heal. Yes, you need stabilisation and yes you need encouragement to recognise you're strengths - so that you can draw on those strengths to address tape stuff tucked up in those boxes. It's a terrifying thought and yes you need the right person to support you on the journey but that's where the healing lies.

I notice you say you've been through 4 therapists in one year, and can't help but wonder whether you're finding reasons not to work with them to avoid opening your boxes? I'm not saying that's what's appending - I don't know you or your situation - but do consider it as a possibility.
 
It's not that your T is doing it 'wrong' it's just not right for you, I think you just need to tell her that you don't feel safe enough for this type of work.

Although if she is judgemental and makes you feel like you have to defend yourself these are not good qualities for a T.

Your T needs to keep you safe, it's not a criticism of her that you are not able to work this way, it's actually you being aware and sensible enough to look after yourself. She should respect that and look at working on helping you feel stable.

Jane - I appreciate what you wrote in terms of the therapist being there to make me feel safe and that I'm not criticizing her, just noting that she doesn't have what I need right now. It does seem that the sessions are a lot about her and what she thinks. It feels like I'm falling into a trauma trance and letting her lead me out of the desert. It's kind of weird, but familiar. This is what happened with my first T years ago. It's just one of those compliance rules in my head about never saying ''no" to anyone in authority, and not trusting myself with them. It's leftover brainwashing. I think the other Ts were different as I only saw them once. That was enough for them, believe me. Phones buzzing, partners knocking at the door, preaching at me, receptionists demanding info on their forms.... no way Jose!

I reread this entire post and thank all of you for taking time out for me. I think I'm seeing a ray of light here. I need someone who can help me work on the skills that I need to bolster myself before doing trauma work - coping, grounding, stabilization. It's always been done backwards with me. I've never been taught any of these skills and it lead to horrible addictions that I still grapple with. I've gone into 4 therapists this year and asked for help in building these skills, yet each has seen fit to go for the trauma when I only mention it in passing as I tell them why I'm there. Also, each has had something to say about narcissists. This latest is the most verbose on the subject. At any rate, I was only looking for help from each of the 4; however, they all seem bent on getting to the reason for the need for skills instead of the other way around. Is this their training or did I just get lucky?!

Before I give up on this one, I think an honest conversation about what I need and whether or not she's able to provide it should constitute our next conversation. No harm, no foul. It's good practice anyway, right?!

I don't know if there are any good counselors in my network, so I've accepted that I may have to go it alone until I get working and have $$$ and/or a better network. I've gone this alone for a long time, I can do it again for a spell. I can check out meetup groups and al-anon too. Sometimes, I think it would be good to get out of my own head and be around others. Also, I can concentrate on what I can do today to help myself. This has worked well for me and my doctor. I'm seeing her tomorrow and will give her an update. BTW - No to the Zoloft! OMG!

I need to be around light and love. Life is too hard to be around negative and harsh people. Grew up and have lived there for way too many years. No more! I may be sensitive, but I am also very strong. I want to be stronger. I'm returning to my massive church as well. I miss the music, message, and vibe. I feel like I need to bring in as much light as possible right now to sustain me whether I stay with this T or not.

Again, I've written a novella. Thank you for hanging in there with me. Hey, does anyone have suggestions for natural anti-anxiety herbs/help? SSRIs just don't seem to be the answer for me and Xanax scares me. VB
 
So, I'm a little too spacey to read all of what you've written @VioletButterfly, but I think your gut is steering you right. Stabilization is first, learning grounding skills is next. Simply writing all of your traumas on slips of paper and tearing them up is so...I don't know...it makes me very angry to think that a therapist would suggest this. My sarcastic side says you should go in to your next session with your biggest happy face and tell her "Wow!!!! I did it!!! And I'm CURED!!!!".

I had a therapist that I loved and trusted very much - but he was very clear he wasn't trained in trauma. Because I loved and trusted him, I agreed to do exposure therapy with him...and I ended up a hot mess. I have a very healthy respect for trauma memories now...
 
Stella Blue - Guess what? I cancelled the session. I'm not going back. I saw my MD on Thursday and she asked me for a list of providers in my network so that she could look through them herself and with her T, to see if someone might work out for me. I feel that I've been flying blind and now I feel a little hope. I really do hope this can help me. I've got to see the signs sooner than I'm slipping into "trauma trance" with some of these therapists who like to hear themselves talk. I know it has got a link to the past, but am not sure of the path, but at least I do see it now. Good gravy. The stress is just horrible with work, caring for my mom, and trying to take care of myself without letting all of this complex trauma ground me into the dirt. I'm still breathing, God is on the throne and is talking to me, and I have resources in this regard. I am blessed. I will keep praying, keep journaling, and try to keep up with the self-care. I've noticed that my self-care is way below par. I just wish I had a partner in all of this. Why do I feel like a wienee in wishing for that?! It's the loneliness that is so upsetting. I'm working on this though - meet-up groups to walk and such. We all try so hard for so long - how does the mind and body sustain this intensity? It worries me as my mom as ALZ and I am worrying that the stress, depression, anxiety, and addictions will speed this train along its line. Mercy. Thank you so much to all of you. I'm so grateful to have found this website and to have the benefit of your knowledge and support. VB :angelic:
 
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