anthony
Founder
My wife says yes! I say no!
Inline with [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6.html"]PTSD symptoms[/DLMURL], I believe spouses feel and see another side of what is happening with us, that they truely cannot understand, nor comprehend, and thus label us as "self absorbed" when were having a bad day. These two main categories with their associated components is what helps me to describe why I don't believe PTSD sufferers are self absorbed, and more a consequence of what is happening to us.
Now this isn't an "about me" issue, this is what is going on within us 24/7, its just how bad one or more components are going on any given day. People without PTSD have little to none of these basic things happening, let alone if I had thrown on the trauma itself, these side-effects of PTSD wear us out. Generally, if a person without PTSD has had a hard day, or something stressful goes on out of the ordinary, they generally do very little when they get home, or relax. They want to be left alone sometimes, they want to just relax, and not have to take the rubbish out, yada yada, as they had a bad day.
Now, compound what people without PTSD feel when something really goes to custard within their day by 5+, add trauma, and this is what a person with PTSD is sufferering all day, every day. We don't get to choose which days are good or bad. We don't get the luxury of just having the occasional bad day. We don't have the luxury of control over certain stressful things as someone without PTSD does. Yes, we can remove ourselves from a situation.
So, for those who don't have PTSD, you need to really read this, and read it several times to comprehend what is said I think. This is not about an us and them thing (those who have PTSD vs. those who do not), this is not about us "self absorbing" ourselves, or "wanting pity" or the like, this is about something we have little control over, even when we are trying to control it. Attempting to control some PTSD symptoms alone wears me down on days... trying to push myself to talk, or be nice, or things that those who don't have PTSD take for granite on occasions. I know from myself, I don't have the luxury of choice on a bad day / week, as my mind literally will not respond to what I am telling it, instead it does its own thing, regardless whether I want to be nice (trying my hardest) my brain say no, and I have no choice in that. I don't know exactly what it is, whether it is the chemical imbalance that causes these overwhelming, over powering emotions and moods within us, but a part of us takes over that even we may not / don't like, but we have little choice to stop it.
People think that is wrong, and that we do have a choice. All I can say is, maybe if you had PTSD you would have a different opinion. Yes, when a person without PTSD has a bad day, and is told to bath baby, or take the bin out, or cook dinner, etc etc, they may snap a little, they may snap a lot, they may say nothing and just do it... but then increase that by 5 and appropriate the same reactions from a person with PTSD, because that is what it feels like inside. From the toilet roll being the wrong way round, to a door rattling or a truck driving past the house, they are just little things we try to block out from tipping us over the edge, but with the huge amount of internal push and pull going on inside us, it takes every single bit of effort for myself to just remain upright sometimes, let alone be told to cook dinner, wash baby, take out the rubbish, etc et... all of which are very appropriate tasks that a spouse / partner should normally do, without debate or consequence, but put PTSD on top, and you really place an unbalanced weight into the equation, which could swing any direction within a 360 degree direction.
A person without PTSD might stub their toe when walking along, swear and curse, and its all over. A person with PTSD does the same thing, though now they have some anxiety going on for whatever little or big reason, depression, guilt, fear, rage, etc etc, all sitting in the back of the brain attempting to be controlled, but the overwhelming desire surpasses my thought patterns of control, and stubbing my toe could cause me to swear and curse, punch anything that is near me to help release some of this other rage, anxiety, etc etc sitting there, kick something, tell anybody who comes near me to help or check on me to pissoff, etc etc, all without even actually making one rationally decision or thought for myself, as PTSD has done it all for us
I will bring you back to that study that was conducted, where a group of people studied PTSD, though couldn't ascertain conclusive information from veterans in the field to what caused it, so they sent them into the field (operational environment) with the soldiers to study first hand. All of the group got PTSD after being shot at, life endangered, death and destruction was all around them. Lets face it, they hadn't been prep's for what they were going into. Most of that group after getting PTSD killed themselves. Was that being self absorbed? I don't think so, because what they thought was self absorbed suddenly turned around and bit them on the arse to experience first hand constand pulling and pushing internally, to a point where they weren't strong enough to handle the trauma they faced, thus ended their lives. This is a true story... and outlines where what those without PTSD view as self absorbtion, those with PTSD view as a struggle to fight the internal demons 24/7.
I doubt anyone without PTSD will ever understand fully, unless they develop it, at which point all their worst fears and nightmares are about to come true. Many people with PTSD commit suicide. Why? Because the disorder is so serious, it pushes us beyond what is considered "normal" human boundaries and capabilities, and we have to attempt to constantly remain on the side of sanity, fighting the internal trauma to not step over that line, and if we do, lock ourselves down immediately as we are a danger to ourselves at that point. The problem is though, is its very hard to be rational at that stage of PTSD in full flight.
I would be really interested to see both spouses and sufferers points of view on this, as I think we would have people from both sides fore and against, but more importantly, maybe we can find some of the problems to why those around us think we are self absorbed, when we merely think we are going into defence mode in an attempt to try and heal ourselves quickly, before things get too much too quick.
Inline with [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6.html"]PTSD symptoms[/DLMURL], I believe spouses feel and see another side of what is happening with us, that they truely cannot understand, nor comprehend, and thus label us as "self absorbed" when were having a bad day. These two main categories with their associated components is what helps me to describe why I don't believe PTSD sufferers are self absorbed, and more a consequence of what is happening to us.
Avoidance comprises:
Arousal comprises:
- Losing interest in normal activities
- Feeling cut-off or detached from loved ones
- Feeling flat or numb
- Difficulty imagining a future
- Sleep disturbance
- Anger and irritability
- Concentration problems
Now this isn't an "about me" issue, this is what is going on within us 24/7, its just how bad one or more components are going on any given day. People without PTSD have little to none of these basic things happening, let alone if I had thrown on the trauma itself, these side-effects of PTSD wear us out. Generally, if a person without PTSD has had a hard day, or something stressful goes on out of the ordinary, they generally do very little when they get home, or relax. They want to be left alone sometimes, they want to just relax, and not have to take the rubbish out, yada yada, as they had a bad day.
Now, compound what people without PTSD feel when something really goes to custard within their day by 5+, add trauma, and this is what a person with PTSD is sufferering all day, every day. We don't get to choose which days are good or bad. We don't get the luxury of just having the occasional bad day. We don't have the luxury of control over certain stressful things as someone without PTSD does. Yes, we can remove ourselves from a situation.
So, for those who don't have PTSD, you need to really read this, and read it several times to comprehend what is said I think. This is not about an us and them thing (those who have PTSD vs. those who do not), this is not about us "self absorbing" ourselves, or "wanting pity" or the like, this is about something we have little control over, even when we are trying to control it. Attempting to control some PTSD symptoms alone wears me down on days... trying to push myself to talk, or be nice, or things that those who don't have PTSD take for granite on occasions. I know from myself, I don't have the luxury of choice on a bad day / week, as my mind literally will not respond to what I am telling it, instead it does its own thing, regardless whether I want to be nice (trying my hardest) my brain say no, and I have no choice in that. I don't know exactly what it is, whether it is the chemical imbalance that causes these overwhelming, over powering emotions and moods within us, but a part of us takes over that even we may not / don't like, but we have little choice to stop it.
People think that is wrong, and that we do have a choice. All I can say is, maybe if you had PTSD you would have a different opinion. Yes, when a person without PTSD has a bad day, and is told to bath baby, or take the bin out, or cook dinner, etc etc, they may snap a little, they may snap a lot, they may say nothing and just do it... but then increase that by 5 and appropriate the same reactions from a person with PTSD, because that is what it feels like inside. From the toilet roll being the wrong way round, to a door rattling or a truck driving past the house, they are just little things we try to block out from tipping us over the edge, but with the huge amount of internal push and pull going on inside us, it takes every single bit of effort for myself to just remain upright sometimes, let alone be told to cook dinner, wash baby, take out the rubbish, etc et... all of which are very appropriate tasks that a spouse / partner should normally do, without debate or consequence, but put PTSD on top, and you really place an unbalanced weight into the equation, which could swing any direction within a 360 degree direction.
A person without PTSD might stub their toe when walking along, swear and curse, and its all over. A person with PTSD does the same thing, though now they have some anxiety going on for whatever little or big reason, depression, guilt, fear, rage, etc etc, all sitting in the back of the brain attempting to be controlled, but the overwhelming desire surpasses my thought patterns of control, and stubbing my toe could cause me to swear and curse, punch anything that is near me to help release some of this other rage, anxiety, etc etc sitting there, kick something, tell anybody who comes near me to help or check on me to pissoff, etc etc, all without even actually making one rationally decision or thought for myself, as PTSD has done it all for us
I will bring you back to that study that was conducted, where a group of people studied PTSD, though couldn't ascertain conclusive information from veterans in the field to what caused it, so they sent them into the field (operational environment) with the soldiers to study first hand. All of the group got PTSD after being shot at, life endangered, death and destruction was all around them. Lets face it, they hadn't been prep's for what they were going into. Most of that group after getting PTSD killed themselves. Was that being self absorbed? I don't think so, because what they thought was self absorbed suddenly turned around and bit them on the arse to experience first hand constand pulling and pushing internally, to a point where they weren't strong enough to handle the trauma they faced, thus ended their lives. This is a true story... and outlines where what those without PTSD view as self absorbtion, those with PTSD view as a struggle to fight the internal demons 24/7.
I doubt anyone without PTSD will ever understand fully, unless they develop it, at which point all their worst fears and nightmares are about to come true. Many people with PTSD commit suicide. Why? Because the disorder is so serious, it pushes us beyond what is considered "normal" human boundaries and capabilities, and we have to attempt to constantly remain on the side of sanity, fighting the internal trauma to not step over that line, and if we do, lock ourselves down immediately as we are a danger to ourselves at that point. The problem is though, is its very hard to be rational at that stage of PTSD in full flight.
I would be really interested to see both spouses and sufferers points of view on this, as I think we would have people from both sides fore and against, but more importantly, maybe we can find some of the problems to why those around us think we are self absorbed, when we merely think we are going into defence mode in an attempt to try and heal ourselves quickly, before things get too much too quick.
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