Ah. Yes, I guess I imagined if the second parent was complicit in the abuse, that really both parents were abusing, one actively and one passively. My mom did the best she could with my dad, didn't make excuses for him, and she'd usually discuss it in terms of alcoholism. Alcohol was the primary way his emotions would get uncorked. But work stress (or during the lean years, lack of work stress) would also sometimes cause his negative emotional cup to runneth over. So for me, at the time, it was more like something we all suffered through together (her, me, and my brother). She was the last holdout, staying with him long after she 'needed' to for purposes of raising me and my brother.My Mother enabled the abuse. She knew he was a pervert and did nothing to stop it. She was cold and distant, never caring or loving. She never helped me and never loved me like a mother should and despite that I loved her anyway.
I think she held out hope that he could heal his emotional wound, kind of admirable really. She tells me that the first bunch of years together were pretty good. I don't remember any of that - good moments when I was young, but they became less and less as I got older.
What she did hurts more. A lot more. I don't think I will ever get over that.
Yeah, I feel ya on that. The thought of a parent collaborating, aiding, abetting in their own child's emotional damage is a tough idea for me to swallow, even though I know it happens. There may be some extenuating circumstances in some situations - nothing that makes it 100% OK, but I can understand how it would happen. People who are financially dependent or have few other options might put up with what seems like an intolerable situation. People who are emotionally compromised themselves (by abuse or trauma or emotional wounds of their own) and not able to bring a real A-game to problem solving their dysfunctions. But that's nothing the kid can really fully understand at the time. And then all that affects the children potentially for decades if not for life.
If my mom were complicit in my dad's emotional abuse, that would definitely have changed our relationship and probably other things in my life really negatively. She has been there for me whenever I needed emotional support, all through adulthood through the present and future. She actually has really helped just as a positive role model, as I try to un-learn bad habits I picked up from Dad and re-learn more positive emotional habits.