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Relationship Army Infantry Boyfriend Has Combat PTSD ... Should I Leave?

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It was encouraging to read everyone's stories. It's very similar to what I've been going through.

My boyfriend was in Iraq for 15 months in the infantry and saw some really bad fighting. He freaks out in grocery stores because of all the people and he has to leave. He's emotionally numb all the time (with an awful, blank expression on his face), has horrible nightmares almost every night of the week where he's woken up and clung to me (he tries to stay up SUPER late every night so that he's really tired and doesn't dream when he finally goes to bed.... as a result he's incredibly tired all the time with huge huge bags under his eyes). Also, he's very negative all the time, in his daily life. ALmost every comment he makes has some sort of a negative twist, and he relates a lot of things back to war, or he talks (half-jokingly, half-serious) about how much he HATES people from the middle east. It's very emotionally damaging to be around someone like that... my moods tend to be influenced by and mirror his, even when I tell myself that the way he's acting is NOT my fault.

He's accidentally punched and kicked and headbutted me in bed because of something he was dreaming about, and he regularly goes through bouts of intense drinking where he's out of control partying for a week at a time.

But then ... on his good days, he's sweet, caring, bends over backwards to give me everything I need, is extremely intelligent, loves me very much, and is basically the best guy ever.

I've encouraged him to get help for the last year and a half, and he was seeing an Army PTSD therapist and on medication for a while, but he stopped taking his meds cold-turkey and didn't tell anyone! I found out when he was acting horribly mean for no reason and drinking a ton and blaming the resulting fights all on me. I checked the medicine cabinet to see if he was taking his medication(nope!).

It's so hard ... I want to be here to support him, bc he's a wonderful guy and I know the problems from PTSD aren't his fault, but he's refused to get help time and time again. I've tried talking with him, crying and pleading with him, and threatening to leave ... and NOTHING is working.

Last week he asked me if he could go out for a drink with his friends, (me: "sure, honey, have fun!") and then he came home at 2:30am WASTED on a Thursday night. He **proudly** told me that he convinced his guy friends to drunk-dial HIS ex-girlfriend multiple times and harrass her. Then he was so hungover the next day he got to work late and was sick all day. Also he peed in the bed.

That night, I told him that I was leaving him and that this was unhealthy and abusive, and I was so embarrassed to be with a man who would act like that. I told him I wanted to be proud of my boyfriend and I was not proud of his behavior. He begged me to stay and said that THIS time it's different, THIS time he's going to get help, and he begged me to stay with him for one more month. The problem is, when I confronted him about his behavior, he saw NO problem with the way he's been acting.

He said that the reason he wants to marry me is because I helped him pick his life up from a downward spiral of alcoholism. Of course I agreed to stay for one more month because I desperately want him to get help. I care about him .... I don't want to leave him to deal with this alone, because he won't talk to anyone else about his time at war and everything he's struggling with. All my girlfriends are telling me I need to leave, that I'm losing all my self-respect by being with him. I love him, but this is killing me. I'm so stressed out it's making me actually, physically sick. I went and looked at an apartment last week and had panic attack and hyperventilated all the way there. I couldnt breathe, I had to sit down and make myself calm down. In addition, I have a recurring illness that happens whenever I'm stressed out and it's REALLY really bad this week.
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Also, I come from an abusive, alcoholic home, and my friends tell me that I'm repeating the same pattern in my own life. Apparently this is really common with victims of abuse?

Not sure what I want to hear or what the best path is. Just wanted to share my story with everyone. I have an appointment to view an apartment today after work .. wish me luck.

<3
 
Hi butterflybella,

I don't think I can help any, because I too am having the same problems you are with my bf maybe soon to be EX, not really sure how much longer I can handle all of this.

Your story sounds oh so familar to my own as so many other stories on this site do as well. I will say that for me atleast, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in my experiences, because until I've started reading about others' experiences I have felt extremely lonely. The good days are great, the bad days, however, are awful. I come to a point where i just can't take it anymore and we cut it off only to have him beg for my forgiveness and to give him one more chance. The thing is I love him so much and I want to be there for him, he is no longer the man I fell in love with but I do get glimpses of that person from time to time. My main problem is that the only way I know how to help is by hearing him out. I feel helpless watching him sit there doing nothing, staring blankly at the tv, day after day after day. UGH, I just want to scream SNAP OUT OF IT!!!! But that won't work, God knows Ive tried everything!

I can no longer go to my friends/family about my issues with him b/c they don't understand. I barely understand him, I usually have to talk myself through his awful behavior, telling myself this is not his fault, he can't help that he is like this. I just wish I could be more help to him. Ultimately I want the kind of relationship we used to have. He was so loving and understanding, and fun, and intimate. We were close. I'm pretty numb to the thought of how it was, who he was seems so far gone.

Right now i have taken some time to think, this is the first thing I've done for me since he has gotten home.

I'm sorry if none of my words are helping, I figured I'd share in hope that you'd find some comfort in that you are not alone in what you are going through.
 
Thank you for sharing your experiences armygf1017 ... it's really encouraging to realize that I'm not alone in dealing with all this! My girlfriends totally don't understand why I would ever let a guy treat me this way. I took the "self-esteem" quiz and scored ZERO points! Obviously something needs to change :(

Two things I read in the Caretakers section of this website have been really helpful:

Sometimes caregivers have misconceptions that increase their stress and get in the way of good self-care. Here are some of the most commonly expressed:
- I am responsible for my loved one's health.
- If I don't do it, no one will.
- If I do it right, I will get the love, attention, and respect I deserve

and

The ill partner must take responsibility and recognize and accept the illness, be willing to receive treatment, and if possible, learn to manage the illness. They must cooperate with their medical team. They must take their medications. They must learn to recognize relapse symptoms. If the ill partner is not willing to do these things, it may become impossible for the family to continue to support them. The family is not required to throw away their own lives for someone who refuses to cooperate.

The first quote made me realize that the reasons I'm staying with him are misconceptions common to many caretakers. Like, "If I do it right, he'll love and respect me."

The second quote showed me that, if he's unwilling to take responsibility for his care, then I HAVE to walk away. There's nothing else I can do :(

What really scares me though, are the posts by sufferers of PTSD that say "thank goodness my wife/girlfriend didn't give up on me ... I'd probably be dead." ACK. I'm thinking about having a long conversation with his mother about his PTSD and getting her involved in the caretaking process (she doesn't know what's going on) and I'm also thinking about seeing a therapist myself.

Thanks again for your comments, they mean so much.
 
Butterflybella,

I don't know if what I have to say will help, Lord knows I'm no psychiatric professional, but I'm intuitive. I'm in the Army, and people have always jokingly called me "Mom" and "Dr. Phil," for my penchant for listening to people's problems and trying to give advice. I'm an NCO, and very protective of my soldiers. No matter how big or small the problem, I will help people try and fix them. Partly because a care taker vibe is engrained in my personality, and partly b/c of the bond with my soldiers. It's true and hard for anyone who hasn't been there to understand how far soldiers will go for each other. Anyways, that introduces me. Also, I'm 26 and female.

While I'm a female and could never understand firsthand the trauma of infantry, I've been closer to it than any civilians, and have witnessed the effect combat stress can have on loved ones and 'battle buddies,' as we call them. There is such a detachment from the familiar world over there. It's an environment like no other, where your boyfriend must have seen and done some terrible things. It's very hard to stash away human emotions over there, basic things like 'is this right?' or 'holy crap, we just killed that guy' go out the window in lieu of a basic need for survival. Whatever means to keep him and his soldiers safe is what they likely did, moral or not. That can take a toll. I don't give a crap how big and macho men can be, they are still human. Infantrymen especially have trouble with this, as they've seen the most terrible of things, yet are supposed to be stoic. This leads to dealing with emotions in unhealthy ways, as your boyfriend is clearly doing. It isn't abnormal. Guys come back and out of control drinking, nightmares, and becoming withdrawn are things I've sadly seen many times over.

The thing is, how it's effecting you, darling. Obviously, you love and want to help him. That's wonderful. I've seen folks come back and they have no one. It's a fallacy that one can come back, find a wonderful girlfriend, settle down, and all that negativity will eventually pass. If he doesn't deal with it, it'll never get better. I bet it's frustrating for you trying to help him cope with something you're not familiar with. Please don't feel hopeless, reaching out to places like this can only help you understand. I applaud you for trying your best to learn about it.

HOWEVER, and this might not be what you want to hear... As much as you love and want to help him, getting sucked in to his vortex of negativity can't help either of you. Patience and understanding is one thing, enduring physical or emotional abuse is another. Yes, you love each other, but until he agrees to get more help there's nothing more for you to do. He needs to understand that although he's sick, this is not an acceptable way to treat you. And it seems you've made this clear to him. I'm not going to advise you on what to do, internet friend I've only known for 5 minutes :) Talk to people that know you best. If all your girlfriends are saying the same thing... maybe they have a point. It's obvious you two love each other, but until he gets more help, you'll have a hard time moving forward.

Hope that helped. Feel free to send me a private message or anything if you want to talk more.
 
Have you been to an Alanon meeting? I recommend going to them if someones drinking is effecting you, look them up on the net. (I know he has other problems also but if you are worried about the drinking as part of it, then those meetings can help) It will help you decide what to do and help you live your life whatever you end up choosing. It will help you and in doing so it will help him. If his drinking is alcoholic you can’t compel him to stop. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control and you cannot cure it. Only he can stop if he wants to. I don't know how bad his drinking is but anyone who is effected by someones drinking can go to those meetings.
 
Generally alcoholism is a coping mechanism and drinking is encouraged in the military so it makes if difficult without adding PSTD.

Drinking is often a coping mechanism for uncontrolled PTSD. IMHO, from what I learned, you have to deal with the PTSD in order to deal with the drinking.

I personally don't believe, from first hand experience, that Alanon holds much help for a Carer. Just MHO.
 
I just wanted to let you know that I know it's hard and heartbreaking. Some of the comments may also be hard to hear, but they come from a place of acceptance of PTSD.

I've got an ex who has PTSD from combat, but we're still living together and I'm constantly having to remind myself that I can't help, fight PTSD myself, or love him enough to make it better. Unfortunately, I only got to this point by prodding him, trying to get him to talk about it, and showing my anxiety over his inconsistency. But like I said, he's my ex, so I also only got to this point when I recognized what I needed and he acknowledged that his immediate goals did not include improving/reaffirming our emotional connection.

One thing that was written to me on my diary was that as a soldier, he has always done things to care for himself, he has always survived, and he does not need me to help him with survival.

I know you want more than just survival for him - you want him to be happy and connected to you again, but for now (especially without treatment) all he can address is his own survival. It's a sad situation, I know. I feel like the person I loved is gone and there is a new person, I love him too, but I can't be with this new guy.

Take a step back for yourself, gather your thoughts, look at your goals and your deisres for yourself. Then think about what needs to happen to accomplish those goals. See for yourself where he fits into that and where his being in your life is destructive to your goals. Only you can figure this out for yourself, but I'm here to support you and so are a lot of other people here.

Feel free to contact me - there's acatually a handful of us kinda in the same place with combat induced PTSD and around the same age. It's actually really nice to have Armygf and you on here now!

Best wishes for personal happiness!

-Katherine
 
Think some of the stuff said here is the most I can relate to. I see all of these traits in my "significant other" x
 
Can I just say I read this 2x because I couldnt believe you were telling my story.. If you dont mind me asking do you think your going to marry him . My boyfriend is that same way after all his drinking and disappearing me telling him im fedup he become so sweet and tells me were gunna get married and all this good stuff but I'm at the point I cant take it anymore.

We moved in together and moved away from his friends cuz he said his friends influence his drinking they to are army guys suffereing with ptsd. but things havent gotten better I mean its like one week is good the next is horrible I love him so much but I mean how much an we take . Once it got so bad he choke me and spit in my face that was the worse of it he was so drunk he didnt remember a thing the next day all he new was I was gone .

I just want to say thank you for the first time in 3yrs I feel like im not alone just by reading what your going through.
 
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I can't believe I never thought to look to an on-line forum... I feel like your story... is my story. I just finished another sleepless night because my boyfriend drank too much and cursing at me and then disappearing. I'm so worried about him. I know he's not taking his medication any more and he's drinking more and more... like a whole bottle of whiskey every time he drinks. We moved in together in January 2014, and for a while he was doing great. We've been together a year already and he's had his ups and downs.. but last night was probably the worst I've ever seen him. I know no one understands why I stay with a man that can treat me like a princess one moment and then like dirt the next, but I truly do want to help him...

The worst part is, I know he won't remember anything that happened last night.... I'm so glad I found this, because now I don't feel so alone. I know his family suffers knowing what he goes through, but they don't provide much help or advice. He says he wants to marry me and be with me forever.... But I'm afraid my forever is going to just be a lot of binge drinking and tears. I miss the man he used to be.
 
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When I posted on here before with similar stories I was totally misunderstood. However this thread I understand 100% what you're going through on this post! all of you. For me, I took my boyfriend back now, only because he is proving that he is willing to cooperate with therapy. So far since our major bust up and his nervous break down and rock bottom episode, he has been on mirtazipine since feb, this instantly made him sleep every night and have no night terrors or insomnia, this is huge because, sleeping helps somewhat with dealing with the anxiety during the day, it takes the edge of anger too. Previously he hasn't opened mail, dealt with bills etc. He recently returned from his four weeks at work (off the oil rig), I met him and we got to his apartment, where mail of the red letter kind awaited as he has been away. He started moaning and swearing and then calmly sat down, made the calls, and paid the bills. I overheard him telling his military mate he realises things are better when dealt with sooner. Even this is a break through.

He has had two appointment with a veterans specific therapist and is going to have a treatment called EMDR and CBT or CPT, however there is going to be a few months wait for this.

The downside still is alcohol. But when he is with me, this is it not so much of an issue, it is when he hangs out with his military mates, all who have been discharged through injury and so got nothing better to do bar spend their pension on drink. When he is with me in my town, he has structure, I get him up early, he gyms, dog walks, goes to archery club, he cooks, we go to a body combat class. Getting him involved in such things was a struggle at first, but now he enjoys it and has routine here or some structure. However, when he is in his town, with the military boys, they meet up late afternoon and drink, maybe til 1am, maybe for two whole days, their attitude is drink til you drop. Then it's just sleep it off and start again. He admits quality of life is better here in my town, than his, but I respect the fact his friends and more like his family. Or so he says and I think he is nervous to move away from what is familiar and safe.

Sadly my boyfriend has issues from being abused as a child and taken into care. Despite being adopted by a great mum and dad, these are his only family whatsoever. But he has also agreed to seek therapy for his pre war issues and we have sought private therapy with EMDR for this.

I genuinely would not have taken him back if he wasn't showing keen to be helped. Despite the fact I was breaking my heart and missed what I say is the "real him". I had to decide that I knew in time, without him I would be happy again. But I guess he turned a corner so to speak whilst my heart was still with him. Things are getting better, but I am no fool, and I know that the will always be issues, but the commitment to medication and ongoing theory is a must. Right now, life is no bed of roses, sometimes he is so indifferent to me, then you question their feelings, then ask or is it the PTSD, there is a,so the danger that if you walk when they are having a bad patch, or a worse than bad patch, they might not actually care, because often for PTSD guys, life is easier alone, when they can just drink, fight etc.

Anyaway, I sincerely hope, that for any of you girls, things will come right or get better xxx
 
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