• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Arousal and shame

Status
Not open for further replies.
G

Gilus

This is something I feel very ashamed of but I need to get it off of my chest. When I have flashbacks or intrusive memories of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child I sometimes feel aroused. Sometimes the arousal is so strong that I masturbate to relieve it. I feel so ashamed and disgusting afterwards. Also, sometimes when I am having sex or masturbating those memories just automatically pop into my mind. I feel so disgusting, but sometimes the only way I can orgasm is when I am remembering the sexual abuse and orgasming as a child. Why does this happen? Does it make me just like my abuser? I mean how can I be aroused by this? I'm not a pedophile like my abuser, I would never hurt anyone like that, so why do my own memories of sexual abuse make me aroused sometimes? This is really bothering me. I'm too ashamed to talk to my therapist about this. I don't know what to do about this.
 
You're not alone, I don't know why it happens, but yeah, I do the same sometimes.
Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this. I'm sorry that means you have been abused too though.

If it's too personal of a question feel free to not answer. Has anything helped you to deal with this? Have you talked to anyone about it?
 
Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this. I'm sorry that means you have been abused too though.

If it's t...

It's strange, it does seem like re-enactment. I don't understand it. Yes I was abused by a relative in childhood.

Nothing has helped and I haven't been able to tell anyone not even the rape crisis counsellors on the phone
 
I have just started addressing this in therapy....mine not from childhood, but same thing.....It has taken me years to "admit" I am so shameful....My T says that it is a "normal" thing that the brain has linked arousal with my assault....How horrific....just barely dipping my toe in working on this and not really sure i can continue. Know that you are not alone. It sucks.
 
I have just started to dip my toe into this sort of area in therapy, having been going to therapy for three years. I introduced it last session - about dreams I am having repeatedly and about my feelings of arousal when I wake up and how disgusting that then feels. They were difficult things to say - I felt very embarrassed and ashamed - and we only really touched the surface briefly but I do think that it was good that I brought it up and we agreed to pick it up again next session. I am nervous about that but, at the same time, it feels like something I can't ignore any longer and need to try to address.

I also have lots of sexual fantasies that pop into my mind, unwanted, when I'm alone or when I'm being intimate with my partner. They aren't replaying my childhood abuse but they do involve similar themes/dynamics. They turn me on, they help me to orgasm...and then I feel ashamed and disgusted. I haven't brought that up in therapy. But I guess it is the same sort of thing anyway.

My T said it was very common people who have been sexually abused/assaulted to have erotically charged associations towards their experiences or to thoughts/situations that are somehow linked to our past traumatic experiences (especiallythrough dreams and sexual fantasies) and that she had heard many clients talking about the same sorts of thoughts, feelings and experiences that I was. She was great at normalising it and at making clear distinctions between it being horrible for me to be having these unwanted thoughts/feelings/body responses while, at the same time, I was not a horrible person for having them. It feels bad but I am not bad. I think the things that are arousing me are disgusting. I am not disgusting. That kind of thing. She pointed out again and again that I am not a bad person, that I am not doing anything wrong and that what's going on actually makes a lot of sense psychologically - my psyche is trying to process old experiences.

I hate that we have to deal with stuff like this. But it doesn't make us bad people. My therapist was very clear about that and I am trying hard to believe her.
 
I was just beginning to deal with this issue with my old T before she left. I regularly find i need to fantasise incest/ aggressive sex before i get a relese. My t agreed that it was a form of psychological self harm for me as it made me feel extremely distressed afterwards. Talking with T does help but until i can understand why i have this need/ remember what happened i dont think it will ever go away.
 
When I have flashbacks or intrusive memories of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child I sometimes feel aroused.

You're not alone, I've had this happen too.

sometimes when I am having sex or masturbating those memories just automatically pop into my mind.

Ditto. It sucks!

I'm too ashamed to talk to my therapist about this. I don't know what to do about this.

I would tell your T. They have probably had other clients with this same issue and won't be shocked. Its pretty normal response to sexual trauma and doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Its how the brain and body work.
You could work to make new associations....thats one idea.
 
Happens to me, too, but haven't talked to anyone about it, ever.
 
Um...this may be a stupid question but how would I work to make new associations?
 
This is me too. It also happens when I get overwhelmingly angry and frustrated which I guess I'm punishing myself similarly to what happened to me as a child.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top