- Thread starter
- #13
I
Ipav
I never felt ashamed about it I always liked it. That's not really what I mean though I mean I was ashamed of it but not with myself. I don't feel bad after. It was all hidden away and I just couldn't be that except in private. It's all so private. I see myself as the opposite sex when I'm doing it. I was always doing it my whole life when I was actually having sex and I didn't realize it. Meaning I was two people. That means I had a lot of disassociation around it. The therapist fixed me up though. I remember when I was telling her the stuff that I thought you know was so horrible and she wasn't surprised at all. When I saw that and I realized it was because she was an expert in trauma and childhood sexual abuse I eventually felt better. But I couldn't deal with life because of it that was the real problem. I just couldn't deal with other people and I didn't fit in anywhere. When I finally saw the "girls with penis" videos I understood. I would never do that to him though. I understand why they do that. So now I just have to say the way I am which is a girl and boy at the same time. It's not all bad.