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Dom Violence Ashamed of my reaction

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Tom1967

I am a 40 year old man and have been with my wife since we were 19 we have four boys 2 of which have sereve disabilities and need 24hr care .

As i far as i was concered we had a near perfect marriage, we spend time together went out for meals and romantic weekends away always surprised each other with random gifts and both had a healthy social life, we would go out together and on our own.

Due to our sons needs my wife wanted to be a stay at home mum so i found a job that cover the costs, we had a joint bank account and had ( and continues to ) have 100% access to every penny .

Two months ago after my wife done the school run she said we need to talk and told me that she had cheated on me with my best friend, my whole world came crashing down around me i couldnt believe that after 21 years toegther she could do this to me, although it was only 9:30am i turned to drink and wife then followed suit we had a massive argument in which she said she didnt love me anymore and that she was in love with my best friend .

I then totally lost control of my self told her to pack her bags and go she refused so i grabbed her forced her up the stairs pushed to the floor punched her in the arm and shoulder then forced her wedding ring off her finger then pinned her to the bed and choked her for about 3 to 5 seconds , i then stopped and got off her realizing what i was doing she got up sobbing and ran down stairs i followed and sat down she asked if she could leave i told her yes, she asked if i would follow her i told her no she checked that i would be ok to look after the kids i said of course so she went .

Im not making any excuses or reasons why i did it i know it was wrong i know i had no right at all to hurt her i take full responsibility for my choice snd am devastated of the pain fear and anxiety i have left her with i have never laid a hand on snother human being in my life and i am ashamed and disgusted with my self for thinking that i done it to the love of my life and the mother of my children .

We are now currantly seperated ( she has moved out and i am home with the kids ) but are working on things as i stated earlier as i have 2 children that need 24hr care we see each other every day but when she leaves i do not contact her ive told her she can take as much time as she needs im paying for her flat, her food etc anx will continue to for as long as she wishes me to i am in a programme for perprotraors and am finding it really helpfull and would recommend to anyone wishing to change there behaviour to do it .

I have respected her wish for no physical contact and am trying my hardest to let her know she is safe around me i have told my friends and family exactly what i done so nobody thinks she has just walked out on her kids i wsnt people to know its my fault why she has left and not hers in anyway.

Social services have been round and are happy that im not a theat to my kids and that they can live with me.

My wife is seeing a councillor and were getting on fairly well she has since atmitted to me she is not in love with my best friend she just said it hurt me , my issue is my wife dosent want to touched by anyone, me i can understand but she wont even let the kids touch her she saud any kind of physical contact with another person makes her feel sick i like to know how i can help her try to overcome this i know it will take time for her to trust me again ( if she ever does) and im perpared to live with tje consequences of my actions but ours kids need her ?
 
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Hi Tom. Whilst I can never condone violence of any kind I can understand why you reacted the way you did to your wife's infidelity. You were deeply shocked and hurt and scared of the consequences of her infidelity and how it would impact on the rest of the family particularly the care of your two disabled kids. I think it's great that you're in a programme for DV offenders and learning that however your spouse behaves you have no right to use physical aggression towards her. It's more than what my ex ever did for me or our kids. Yes I'm a survivor of DV myself I was a battered wife. I too cheated on my bloke and he too beat me up. So I'm coming from the perspective of where your wife is at with all of this.

All I can tell you is that like I was she is probably wracked with guilt and shame over her unfaithfulness towards you. She's probably thinking if she hadn't cheated you wouldn't have lost your rag with her and probably blames herself for all the fall out that followed. I do hope you are not adding to her feelings of guilt and shame by blaming her yourself for how you 'reacted'. Yes she may have started it but you had a choice as to how to react. Also you need to look at the fact that while from your perspective the marriage was fine, from your wife's perspective it wasn't else she wouldn't have done the dirty on you. From her point of view she felt she wasn't getting what she needed out of your marriage so she looked outside of it to fulfill her perceived unmet needs. Yes it was a double betrayal in that she chose to cheat on you with your best friend. I have to wonder why she wanted to hurt you that badly.

Lots of resentments and bitterness can build up over a 21 year marriage. Perhaps your wife kept it all inside and never told you about those resentments but instead acted them out in the only way she knew how ie cheating on you. She definitely wanted to punish you for something my friend or she wouldn't have acted the way she did. So I think you guys need to learn better communication skills if you're ever going to get past this and I also think you both need to practice forgiveness of yourselves first and foremost and each other. You both need to get honest about all the things that pissed her off about you that lead to her infidelity.

I know you are both under enormous pressure having 4 kids 2 of whom are disabled but with social services being involved I agree with you that she needs to think of the kids' needs before her own else you might end up losing the kids into foster care. I'm sorry to be the voice of doom but that's a sad reality in all too many cases like yours Tom. Your wife can't afford to be selfish about her guilty shameful feelings regarding her cheating. After all it's not the kids' fault she chose to do what she did and it almost seems like she's subconsciously punishing and rejecting them and dare I suggest it scapegoating them because she can't deal with her feelings. This may be perceived as emotional abuse on the part of the social workers involved in your case so I can totally understand your concerns. And if this is the case the kids may end up on the 'at risk' register which actually might not be a bad thing if it means you all get more support.

All I can say to you really is you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink Tom. You are just going to have to be patient with your wife as she works through her feelings regarding cheating on you with her counsellor. You can't be putting pressure on her no matter how worried you are about the kids. And you can't expect things to go back to the way they were before this crisis in your marriage. I would suggest you do some couples counselling together to tackle the underlying issues which lead to that crisis. Remember that the Chinese symbol for 'crisis' is the same symbol for 'opportunity'. What I'm saying is that you have a chance here to get things sorted out for the better for all concerned. Especially the kids. I wish you all the best with it God bless you all CD xx
 
Time!!!! Just give her the time, space and patience that she needs. I’m glad that you recognize your behavior for what it was, and that your working on your issues. Your wife needs to work on hers and hopefully you can both work on your issues with your marriage together in time....
 
For one, I think quitting drinking would be a start.
I don't have much in the way of sympathy for you. You got drunk and beat your wife.
The hell did you think was going to happen?

I'm surprised they didn't take your kids away. I know I'd rather they be with an adulterer than a violent drunk.

I would suggest you see a therapist. Figure out what part of you thought it was ok to do this, then fix it pronto.
 
Hi Tom. Whilst I can never condone violence of any kind I can understand why you reacted the way...
Thankyou for your input my wife is not neglating our children at all she comes home at 6am every morning dose the school run then has some alone time and is back for when they get home from school and stays until there a bed, its just the fact that any kind of physical closnes with them outs her on edge

For one, I think quitting drinking would be a start.
I don't have much in the way of sympathy for yo...
I havent touched a drop since that day i have seen a therapist but felt the DV course i am doing ( which is 1- 1 sessions ) is more helpful and valuable to me
 
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Has she actually been diagnosed? PTSD is just one of many possible outcomes of an assault.

my issue is my wife dosent want to touched by anyone, me i can understand but she wont even let the kids touch her she saud any kind of physical contact with another person makes her feel sick i like to know how i can help her try to overcome this

Sure, not wanting to be touched could be a PTSD thing.

It could also be completely unrelated to the assault and be from :

- Feeling guilt and shame over breaking her vows, and destroying her marriage and her family.
- Being madly in love with another man and not wanting reminders of her first marriage; ie your children
- Wanting to be single and unencumbered
- Wanting her family back the way it was
- Being depressed
- Punishing herself
- Punishing you
- A side effect of any medication she’s taking
- A way to distance herself

And about a zillion other possible things. Including half a dozen to a dozen or so different disorders, either pre-existing and made worse from the stress of the affair & assault & separation, or caused by them. PTSD isn’t as simple as experience an assault and you’ve got it. Conservative estimates have it at roughly 20%, but even liberal estimates don’t even come close to 50%, much less 100%. 10 people can experience the same exact same events, and have 10 completely different reactions to them.

Even if she has been formally diagnosed with PTSD, I’d be leery of assuming that her not wanting to be touched is solely -or even mostly- a PTSD thing.
 
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