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At Night

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I feel like at night it's getting much worse to just make it go away, turn my brain off turn the memories off and I can't fall asleep without gravol or my anxiety medications i just want to be able to sleep i just want to be able to breathe. I feel like all day i'm looked at as the perfect happy one I have to be in such a good mood at work and school and be the popular one and then I come home and I just need to be numb. I want it all to go away. I don't want to keep doing this all the time I can't take it much longer. Being perfect all day and crashing at night is killing me.
 
I understand how you feel. It's so hard putting on a happy face for everyone. I hope talking to people here helps you.
 
I don't want to keep doing this all the time I can't take it much longer. Being perfect all day and crashing at night is killing me.
You don't have to keep doing it. I stopped. It scared the hell out of people, but they got used to it and I am now much more coherent with myself. But you have to prepare yourself and the others, because it can be a real shock, that change. But it is the best change you can do for yourself, because it's the first step in starting to deal with your hurt.

Do you go to therapy?
 
Yeah I'm in therapy she's a sexual abuse therapist and is awesome. I also spent about 6 weeks in an in patient PTSD program at a hospital.

<Edit by Nyx>
 
Try talking to your therapist about the mask and how you can take it off. You'll need all the assistance, but you'll get there, I'm sure. Do you take any medication to help you sleep at night? Maybe it would help you not to break so hard...
 
I feel like all day i'm looked at as the perfect happy one I have to be in such a good mood at work and school and be the popular one and then I come home and I just need to be numb.

I think that's why I isolate so easily from the people around me when I'm not doing well. I think they expect me to be the same happy, upbeat person I normally am, and when I can't be, I'd rather just not be seen at all.
 
I'm finding it harder and harder to put on a false happy face. I cried for 3 hours at work on Friday. I know it's really inappropriate behaviour for work but I'm finding it really hard to keep my act together at the moment.

Luckily, people seem worried about me and not angry at me. Not that I want their attention, I would rather be at home hiding.
 
Do you usually cry easily?

I'm not sure if that question was directed at me...but I'll answer.

I cry really easily - I am not very good at controlling my emotions. I feel guilt easily and as a result I cry. I wish I could hold it in....but I can't.

When I do it at work I almost think I'm trying to get fired to punish myself more. I want my boss to end my misery and tell me to get out.

I'm normally hurting so much I can't hold the tears back. I would say I'm emotionally unstable!
 
I used to be a lot like Pi. Especially the first 6-8 months "after". Then I had one more thing happen in my life within a year's time, and I just stopped crying like someone had flipped a light switch. I've probably shed more tears in the last 6-8 weeks than I have in the last year combined, but when I talk to girlfriends that cry over an arguement with the husband, or a movie they saw, I know I'm still nowhere close to "normal" in that aspect. I work in a field where I see people cry all the time (hospice nurse) and I'm perfectly comfortable with other people crying. Just not me.
 
I'm not sure if that question was directed at me...but I'll answer.

I would say I'm emotionally unstable!
It was directed at you. I was asking because crying easily is usually a manifest of depression. Clinical depression. How long have you been like this?
 
I might be slightly depressed but I'm fine. I just don't handle things well. I go through periods were I can't stop crying but I think it's just because I'm obsessive so I can't stop thinking about bad things.
 
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