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Attaching Vs Connecting

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Meadowsweet

MyPTSD Pro
I find it really difficult to connect with people. But I was looking back at times when I have had friendships, and what I have called connecting with people seems more like becoming attached to them (from a young age).

But I don't know what it is normal to feel towards people. How strong are feelings? What are the thoughts that are normal to have within friendships? And how deep are friendships meant to be?

I'm sure there are lots of people feel this way, and I appreciate all replies, but would very much like to hear from people for whom social interactions aren't a problem.
 
Hi Meadowsweet,
I was just about to start a thread on this.
and it's a sort of twin with @Chava 's thread on internal disorganization https://www.myptsd.com/threads/extremely-scattered-and-inwardly-disorganized.54948/

I got an email from a PTSD / developmental trauma friend who has just had a relationship end because their partner wasn't feeling that they were getting a sense of "connection". I've had the same complaint levelled at me, and I'm not sure what exactly was meant.

I gather that my own trauma / emotional neglect is very early (first six months of life).

I've also just finished reading Sebern Fisher's book on using neurofeedback for developmental trauma and have picked up on some of the very large cognitive defficits in her patients

I'm wondering whether it is something that we (or at least I) don't have an internal concept of, or whether it is some sort of protection that we use to shield our inner selves with.
 
My take on it is being able to have warm feelings when with a person but also carry that with you, or be able to internalize the friendship. I have object permanency issues related to relationships. If I can't see the person, they aren't real and I'm not real to them either. This is a developmental deficit. I also disengage and feel safer avoiding relationships in general. I am actually making slow progress, so I think of it as something that can be partly "re-wired." It helps that I've stuck with a therapist who understands complex and early trauma. She also "gets" that she has not always seemed real to me.

While generally avoidant, I can get clingy feeling with someone like a therapist or mentor...but not very directly. I e-mail a lot and get a little panicked if a response doesn't come quickly. For me it's really about that issue of existence or reality. I fear they forgot about me or I'm not real to them anymore. I'm not real enough to myself.

Ditto @Anarchy about the Sebern Fisher book. I related to a lot of that, as well as Laurence Heller's book "Healing Developmental Trauma" (connection problems). The difficulty working through this stuff in therapy is that it's hard to even have a therapeutic relationship. I've worked with my therapist for a few years and she's just starting to seem like a "real" person. And when I am not with her (most of the time), she is still "there."

I hope this doesn't sound too confusing. For me a lot of it relates to early shock trauma and attachment trauma, and continually reinforced in a chaotic, sometimes physically abusive environment. I don't go to others for good feelings. It's very human to "connect" when sad or feeling hurt or in some sort of trouble. My tendency is to withdraw when I need support and join with others only when I feel really good.

I get along with people okay and do really well on a colleague level, so for me it helps to stick with the same work and have familiar people. They do become real to me and I feel connected in a normal way, but it takes a lot of time for me.
 
"My tendency is to withdraw when I need support and join with others only when I feel really good."
I could relate to a lot of your post, especially the above. Is this because you fear not being 'met'/abandoned if you do show up feeling sad etc? If not, would you mind to share the process?

I do this but have recently seen that in doing so I'm reinforcing the idea that I'm not acceptable as my whole self but only in certain states. This then makes me doubt the genuineness of the connections, and reinforces my lack of trust - self fulfilling stuff.
 
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