MariaMars24
New Here
My goal with this post is to inspire at least one person who suffers from PTSD to walk a path to healing.
I realized that the last time I was online was nearly a year ago. I had NO IDEA! lol. I knew that something like this has meaning so today I will just share something personal.
I was reading my older posts and can't help but chuckle. I believe what gave my inner emotional turmoil power at that time was giving my ex-boyfriends power to judge me.
Now, it's nothing to me, his feelings/thoughts towards me are...subjective NOT absolute. There is no absolute answer on why things fell out but being a realist I knew that circumstances outside of ourselves (money issues, long-distance, family problems, etc. etc.) created a lot of problems between us and we both had VERY different ideas on how things should manifest but couldn't work together. We were very incompatible. That's reality.
Aug, 2015 I made a huge mistake and that was posting all of the lies he told me on a liars and cheaters website.I had a deep urge for him to know so I tagged him on Google Plus. He found out and was very upset and threaten to take me to court for defamation (even though every thing I posted was the truth). I was scared too death so I had to pay $1000 for a internet company to remove these posts because well...once they are posted they can't be simply deleted. Anyways after that problem was eliminated I officially started to wake up and realize that I need help. I officially...emotionally started to focus on myself.
Sorry but medications, half-ass therapy, etc just did not help me. I wanted true healing.
Late August I was searching for retreats in Peru (that worked around my budget). I used some money I receive for taking care of my disabled sister and student loan to financially support my trip out of the U.S...for the first time...alone...as a female..yeah I know...HUGE adventure. LOL. I booked a one week retreat...and decided to take 3 Ayahuasca ceremonies.
On Dec, 2015, the flight to Peru was an adventure itself. I mean...I was alone in this...away from my sister who I loved dearly. I thought I was nuts doing something so sudden and bold. But my spirit guide told me "You are ready to go.." one night while browsing websites about Ayahuasca and my sister was encouraging me to go!
The retreat was beautiful, secluded and I meet people from around the world and country. That week there was only one Shipibo shaman in his 20's with 10 years experience with the medicine, a few Peruvian staff (cooks, teenagers who cooked the medicine, coordinators, nurses, etc.) and there was like 9-10 people who was eager to try the medicine.
Ok..so after a group introduction and quiet meditation night time arrived and people entered the maloka (a hut) to prepare for the ceremonies. I was not nervous but just eager. The shaman did protection rituals (blowing tobacco) and we rubbed ourselves with dirt and Florida water. The fire was lite and everyone was silent. The shaman gave us the cups of medicine. (some had full cup..some had half) and there we put our intentions in the medicine. My intentions were to understand myself emotionally. So after praying to the Snake Mother Goddess I drank the medicine. It tasted so bad!!!! And I tried to keep it in my stomach and that in itself was a battle lol.
After 10-15 minutes a woman purged and them I started to cry out loud deeply. I remember saying "Why can people just receive my love?" "Why is that so hard"...I felt like a child. I felt like a child that just needed to be held. Thankfully a sweet empathetic facilitator rushed by my side encouraging me to release, she gave me kisses on my forehead..there i knew it was safe to be vulnerable.
So I cried some more then I laid down. I started to see visions but my stomach was hurting badly and I couldn't focus. BUT this was a energetic and emotional experience..and the visions were there but they were not significant. I did felt other energies working on my spine and head. I heard whispers. I felt Ayahuasca in my heart center, circulating inside and then I purged out. I remember saying "she's inside of me" "she's inside" and I purged some more and more. I felt a release. Like she cleansed out something inside. I was very grateful. I cried some more.
So..Ayahuasca was part of my energy and she spoke about my relationship. What she pointed out was how dirty my ex truly was. I was taken back to the place where I lost my virginity (in a hotel, Dec 2014). I looked at him and noticed how dirty he really was! When you're in "love" you just don't see the truth...but she took me back to that place again and I saw him in a different light.
I concluded that my ex was not searching for a love but for someone to mend his wounds...to me this is not good and NOT love. I was his emotional rebound. His previous relationships were a mess and he wouldn't STOP and look inside himself. He just wanted THAT special woman to fix everything.
Remember women...we weren't treated as HUMAN BEINGS in the beginning of time but as "the other..."..less than human (the second sex)...they say that man is the subject and the woman is the OBJECT... so when we DO show men that we have flaws...some men are taken aback vs. being accepting ..some try to "help" us without our permission (by dictating how me OUGHT to act...as "women"...not as human beings)...some even can't accept that we are NOT "mysterious"...so they blame US for their troubles. They say that we OUGHT to give them their fantasy...but as spiritual beings we have every right to be our total selves. Stop using biology as excuses..our true nature is beyond the flesh!
Feminism is the result from the rise of the DIVINE FEMININE. The divine feminine can be scary for many people as you can see now of days. But it's NOT about dominance.
Ayahuasca also said that he couldn't navigate himself within my heart. My heart was like an ocean and he was lost inside. He drowned. That is what happens when you can't open your heart....
I was expected by him to melt HIS heart...to give HIM "unconditional love"..to be the one to help HIM open up and cry eventually (because his mother didn't NURTURE him)...this was true abuse; unrealistically expecting a human to fill in a psychological void.
When you enter a relationship, BOTH partners have to equally be PREPARED to give and receive in a relationship. This is why it's VITAL to heal yourself FIRST before having children and being in a relationship.
Ayahuasca helped me love my sensitivity again. I mean this deeply. The morning after the first ceremony I was HAPPY that I was this quiet black woman who is very emotional and in-tuned with her true nature. I LOVE the fact that I cry. I love the fact that I can be in solitude without feeling pressure to be extroverted. I can BE with the group without being fake. Just be.
Story to be continued. I will explain how the second ceremony helped me with my suicidal idealization.
I realized that the last time I was online was nearly a year ago. I had NO IDEA! lol. I knew that something like this has meaning so today I will just share something personal.
I was reading my older posts and can't help but chuckle. I believe what gave my inner emotional turmoil power at that time was giving my ex-boyfriends power to judge me.
Now, it's nothing to me, his feelings/thoughts towards me are...subjective NOT absolute. There is no absolute answer on why things fell out but being a realist I knew that circumstances outside of ourselves (money issues, long-distance, family problems, etc. etc.) created a lot of problems between us and we both had VERY different ideas on how things should manifest but couldn't work together. We were very incompatible. That's reality.
Aug, 2015 I made a huge mistake and that was posting all of the lies he told me on a liars and cheaters website.I had a deep urge for him to know so I tagged him on Google Plus. He found out and was very upset and threaten to take me to court for defamation (even though every thing I posted was the truth). I was scared too death so I had to pay $1000 for a internet company to remove these posts because well...once they are posted they can't be simply deleted. Anyways after that problem was eliminated I officially started to wake up and realize that I need help. I officially...emotionally started to focus on myself.
Sorry but medications, half-ass therapy, etc just did not help me. I wanted true healing.
Late August I was searching for retreats in Peru (that worked around my budget). I used some money I receive for taking care of my disabled sister and student loan to financially support my trip out of the U.S...for the first time...alone...as a female..yeah I know...HUGE adventure. LOL. I booked a one week retreat...and decided to take 3 Ayahuasca ceremonies.
On Dec, 2015, the flight to Peru was an adventure itself. I mean...I was alone in this...away from my sister who I loved dearly. I thought I was nuts doing something so sudden and bold. But my spirit guide told me "You are ready to go.." one night while browsing websites about Ayahuasca and my sister was encouraging me to go!
The retreat was beautiful, secluded and I meet people from around the world and country. That week there was only one Shipibo shaman in his 20's with 10 years experience with the medicine, a few Peruvian staff (cooks, teenagers who cooked the medicine, coordinators, nurses, etc.) and there was like 9-10 people who was eager to try the medicine.
Ok..so after a group introduction and quiet meditation night time arrived and people entered the maloka (a hut) to prepare for the ceremonies. I was not nervous but just eager. The shaman did protection rituals (blowing tobacco) and we rubbed ourselves with dirt and Florida water. The fire was lite and everyone was silent. The shaman gave us the cups of medicine. (some had full cup..some had half) and there we put our intentions in the medicine. My intentions were to understand myself emotionally. So after praying to the Snake Mother Goddess I drank the medicine. It tasted so bad!!!! And I tried to keep it in my stomach and that in itself was a battle lol.
After 10-15 minutes a woman purged and them I started to cry out loud deeply. I remember saying "Why can people just receive my love?" "Why is that so hard"...I felt like a child. I felt like a child that just needed to be held. Thankfully a sweet empathetic facilitator rushed by my side encouraging me to release, she gave me kisses on my forehead..there i knew it was safe to be vulnerable.
So I cried some more then I laid down. I started to see visions but my stomach was hurting badly and I couldn't focus. BUT this was a energetic and emotional experience..and the visions were there but they were not significant. I did felt other energies working on my spine and head. I heard whispers. I felt Ayahuasca in my heart center, circulating inside and then I purged out. I remember saying "she's inside of me" "she's inside" and I purged some more and more. I felt a release. Like she cleansed out something inside. I was very grateful. I cried some more.
So..Ayahuasca was part of my energy and she spoke about my relationship. What she pointed out was how dirty my ex truly was. I was taken back to the place where I lost my virginity (in a hotel, Dec 2014). I looked at him and noticed how dirty he really was! When you're in "love" you just don't see the truth...but she took me back to that place again and I saw him in a different light.
I concluded that my ex was not searching for a love but for someone to mend his wounds...to me this is not good and NOT love. I was his emotional rebound. His previous relationships were a mess and he wouldn't STOP and look inside himself. He just wanted THAT special woman to fix everything.
Remember women...we weren't treated as HUMAN BEINGS in the beginning of time but as "the other..."..less than human (the second sex)...they say that man is the subject and the woman is the OBJECT... so when we DO show men that we have flaws...some men are taken aback vs. being accepting ..some try to "help" us without our permission (by dictating how me OUGHT to act...as "women"...not as human beings)...some even can't accept that we are NOT "mysterious"...so they blame US for their troubles. They say that we OUGHT to give them their fantasy...but as spiritual beings we have every right to be our total selves. Stop using biology as excuses..our true nature is beyond the flesh!
Feminism is the result from the rise of the DIVINE FEMININE. The divine feminine can be scary for many people as you can see now of days. But it's NOT about dominance.
Ayahuasca also said that he couldn't navigate himself within my heart. My heart was like an ocean and he was lost inside. He drowned. That is what happens when you can't open your heart....
I was expected by him to melt HIS heart...to give HIM "unconditional love"..to be the one to help HIM open up and cry eventually (because his mother didn't NURTURE him)...this was true abuse; unrealistically expecting a human to fill in a psychological void.
When you enter a relationship, BOTH partners have to equally be PREPARED to give and receive in a relationship. This is why it's VITAL to heal yourself FIRST before having children and being in a relationship.
Ayahuasca helped me love my sensitivity again. I mean this deeply. The morning after the first ceremony I was HAPPY that I was this quiet black woman who is very emotional and in-tuned with her true nature. I LOVE the fact that I cry. I love the fact that I can be in solitude without feeling pressure to be extroverted. I can BE with the group without being fake. Just be.
Story to be continued. I will explain how the second ceremony helped me with my suicidal idealization.
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