• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Ayahuasca Changed How I View Myself

Status
Not open for further replies.

MariaMars24

New Here
My goal with this post is to inspire at least one person who suffers from PTSD to walk a path to healing.

I realized that the last time I was online was nearly a year ago. I had NO IDEA! lol. I knew that something like this has meaning so today I will just share something personal.

I was reading my older posts and can't help but chuckle. I believe what gave my inner emotional turmoil power at that time was giving my ex-boyfriends power to judge me.

Now, it's nothing to me, his feelings/thoughts towards me are...subjective NOT absolute. There is no absolute answer on why things fell out but being a realist I knew that circumstances outside of ourselves (money issues, long-distance, family problems, etc. etc.) created a lot of problems between us and we both had VERY different ideas on how things should manifest but couldn't work together. We were very incompatible. That's reality.

Aug, 2015 I made a huge mistake and that was posting all of the lies he told me on a liars and cheaters website.I had a deep urge for him to know so I tagged him on Google Plus. He found out and was very upset and threaten to take me to court for defamation (even though every thing I posted was the truth). I was scared too death so I had to pay $1000 for a internet company to remove these posts because well...once they are posted they can't be simply deleted. Anyways after that problem was eliminated I officially started to wake up and realize that I need help. I officially...emotionally started to focus on myself.

Sorry but medications, half-ass therapy, etc just did not help me. I wanted true healing.

Late August I was searching for retreats in Peru (that worked around my budget). I used some money I receive for taking care of my disabled sister and student loan to financially support my trip out of the U.S...for the first time...alone...as a female..yeah I know...HUGE adventure. LOL. I booked a one week retreat...and decided to take 3 Ayahuasca ceremonies.

On Dec, 2015, the flight to Peru was an adventure itself. I mean...I was alone in this...away from my sister who I loved dearly. I thought I was nuts doing something so sudden and bold. But my spirit guide told me "You are ready to go.." one night while browsing websites about Ayahuasca and my sister was encouraging me to go!

The retreat was beautiful, secluded and I meet people from around the world and country. That week there was only one Shipibo shaman in his 20's with 10 years experience with the medicine, a few Peruvian staff (cooks, teenagers who cooked the medicine, coordinators, nurses, etc.) and there was like 9-10 people who was eager to try the medicine.

Ok..so after a group introduction and quiet meditation night time arrived and people entered the maloka (a hut) to prepare for the ceremonies. I was not nervous but just eager. The shaman did protection rituals (blowing tobacco) and we rubbed ourselves with dirt and Florida water. The fire was lite and everyone was silent. The shaman gave us the cups of medicine. (some had full cup..some had half) and there we put our intentions in the medicine. My intentions were to understand myself emotionally. So after praying to the Snake Mother Goddess I drank the medicine. It tasted so bad!!!! And I tried to keep it in my stomach and that in itself was a battle lol.

After 10-15 minutes a woman purged and them I started to cry out loud deeply. I remember saying "Why can people just receive my love?" "Why is that so hard"...I felt like a child. I felt like a child that just needed to be held. Thankfully a sweet empathetic facilitator rushed by my side encouraging me to release, she gave me kisses on my forehead..there i knew it was safe to be vulnerable.

So I cried some more then I laid down. I started to see visions but my stomach was hurting badly and I couldn't focus. BUT this was a energetic and emotional experience..and the visions were there but they were not significant. I did felt other energies working on my spine and head. I heard whispers. I felt Ayahuasca in my heart center, circulating inside and then I purged out. I remember saying "she's inside of me" "she's inside" and I purged some more and more. I felt a release. Like she cleansed out something inside. I was very grateful. I cried some more.

So..Ayahuasca was part of my energy and she spoke about my relationship. What she pointed out was how dirty my ex truly was. I was taken back to the place where I lost my virginity (in a hotel, Dec 2014). I looked at him and noticed how dirty he really was! When you're in "love" you just don't see the truth...but she took me back to that place again and I saw him in a different light.

I concluded that my ex was not searching for a love but for someone to mend his wounds...to me this is not good and NOT love. I was his emotional rebound. His previous relationships were a mess and he wouldn't STOP and look inside himself. He just wanted THAT special woman to fix everything.

Remember women...we weren't treated as HUMAN BEINGS in the beginning of time but as "the other..."..less than human (the second sex)...they say that man is the subject and the woman is the OBJECT... so when we DO show men that we have flaws...some men are taken aback vs. being accepting ..some try to "help" us without our permission (by dictating how me OUGHT to act...as "women"...not as human beings)...some even can't accept that we are NOT "mysterious"...so they blame US for their troubles. They say that we OUGHT to give them their fantasy...but as spiritual beings we have every right to be our total selves. Stop using biology as excuses..our true nature is beyond the flesh!

Feminism is the result from the rise of the DIVINE FEMININE. The divine feminine can be scary for many people as you can see now of days. But it's NOT about dominance.


Ayahuasca also said that he couldn't navigate himself within my heart. My heart was like an ocean and he was lost inside. He drowned. That is what happens when you can't open your heart....
I was expected by him to melt HIS heart...to give HIM "unconditional love"..to be the one to help HIM open up and cry eventually (because his mother didn't NURTURE him)...this was true abuse; unrealistically expecting a human to fill in a psychological void.

When you enter a relationship, BOTH partners have to equally be PREPARED to give and receive in a relationship. This is why it's VITAL to heal yourself FIRST before having children and being in a relationship.

Ayahuasca helped me love my sensitivity again. I mean this deeply. The morning after the first ceremony I was HAPPY that I was this quiet black woman who is very emotional and in-tuned with her true nature. I LOVE the fact that I cry. I love the fact that I can be in solitude without feeling pressure to be extroverted. I can BE with the group without being fake. Just be.


Story to be continued. I will explain how the second ceremony helped me with my suicidal idealization.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Don't want to invalidate what was obviously a nice experience for you, but not sure how it relates to PTSD. Also, I'm a little blown away that you used a student loan to go do magic drugs in Peru.
 
Don't want to invalidate what was obviously a nice experience for you, but not sure how it relates to PTSD...
Ayahuasca isn't a "magic drug". She is a spirit; a Goddess that is respected by many. Its' a medicine used by South Americans for thousand of years. Drinking it is a tradition. Now of days people are traveling all around the world for holistic healing. I had a bad feeling posting my story on this website but I guess I wanted others to be inspired to take a journey into true healing because you have to eventually face your trauma. Also, people taken out loans for cars, weddings, school...some even use credit cards for Wal-Mart purchases..etc. etc. So what I did was legit for the sake of MY healing and I have no regrets. And..months after my experience I received a huge grant to actually pay back that small student loan so I am good. ( :

Now when I was 23 a therapist diagnosed me with PTSD. I had been abused by my mother intensely. My sister had a memory where my mother held a knife to my neck when I was 6-7 years old. I have NO memory of that. So what did I went through?...just a lot and honestly the suicide attempts were the biggest issues in my life. I attempted suicide 2 times, was baker acted 5+ times and was a cutter. I was abandoned by my father (my whole family from BOTH sides...who KNEW my mother suffered from psychosis)..was abused practically every day...and nightmares...clinging to others..getting angry a lot..this was my personal hell.

I read that Ayahuasca were drank by inmates in a prison and by veterans who suffers from PTSD who actually wanted healing.....
 
Last edited:
2nd ceremony

So..the second night was the most memorable. Everyone was silent under the maloka and my intention was set. I asked Ayahuasca to help me release my self-abusive tendencies. I hated the fact that I was suicidal. During the course of my relationship I expressed wanting to kill myself because of the stress of the long distance. I was too weak to leave I was actually scared. I remember cutting myself for the first time when I was 16 and being in that dark place. I remember praying to angels to take my soul away. I hated myself so much.

So I talked to the medicine and drank it. It was so nasty but I held it in. After a few minutes my face expressions started to changed. I was expressing anger in my face..I was making mean looks and breathing deeply and slowly. I paid attention to the fire and I looked around with this dark expression..the next moment I was laying down and my whole body was convulsing, my fingers became like claws and I started to make roaring sounds like a dog or some beast. My arm and legs turned into this beast and my facial expressions were even more angry. Then I felt a spirit near me and it was a shaman like man with a bowl. He wanted me to breathe into the bowl and so I saw myself breathing dark air into the bowl. Slowly and slowly I did...and I felt myself going to purge. (typing this now I am tearing up because this experience was SO important to me) and so I purged A LOT and a facilitator rushed toward me to comfort me and I remember bursting into tears "It's out of me" "It's out of me"...this "demon" was out of me. I expressed deep gratitude. I was crying deeply and KNEW that part of me is gone. I don't ever dare to desire self-murder. I have a disabled sister to take care of...I have me to take care of...also what I learned is to NEVER put myself in situations that will cause me stress like a long distance relationship. Sometimes it's o to be honest with yourself...realistic with what is happening NOW vs. "what could be".

After the purge I started to have visions. First I was taught to fly like an eagle by this spirit. I saw myself flying and it felt GREAT. My soul IS the eagle. Then I had another vision of my past life where I was a native American woman who did fine alone. Ayahuasca reminded me that being alone is normal for me...not abnormal...not "weird"..I was selling baskets and crops independently and made my own money. She wanted me to know that this part of me will always be with me and there is no shame. I had another vision where I saw Mayan temples being built beyond the galaxies. Ayahuasca then helped me understand that I am a strong black woman...she wanted me to be proud of my heritage even though it was stolen from me and my ancestors by the oppressors. I'll never forget the confidence I felt. She was truly beautiful and I am truly beautiful as I am...
There was a lot that happened and can't say much but I was so much in peace.

3rd ceremony was the hardest..will be continued
 
@MariaMars24 - when you were here last, you said you did not have a PTSD diagnosis, but that you were diagnosed bi-polar.

Can you clarify whether that changed?

I'm asking because powerful hallucinogenic drugs like Ayahuasca are controversial among people with mental illness. There are some people who, like yourself, have had life altering experiences toward the good. There are others that end up the opposite. And what your diagnosis is can greatly affect things.
 
@MariaMars24 - when you were here last, you said you did not have a PTSD diagnosis...

Wait are you going to label me as a troll?

If you want me to be specific. (I can bring my sister to this thread as a witness because she was there with me) on October 2013, a therapist asked a few questions and determined that I have PTSD. Yes, I have been through trauma. Yes I was diagnosed with bi-polar and clinical depression. Now..honestly I am just going to stop here because I did see that someone got banned after talking about his experience with Ayahuasca. I understand that people are skeptical and very cautious and I respect that and understand. I mean my mother has psychosis and I took a HUGE risk taking the medicine but thankfully I did not have a negative reaction towards it. Bad idea sharing my story. I just wanted to inspire one person to do his or her research and possibly take a different route. Peace.
 
Wait are you going to label me as a troll?
Not at all, merely asking for a context within which Ayahuasca worked for you.
If you want me to be specific. (I can bring my sister to this thread as a witness because she was there with me) on October 2013, a therapist asked a few questions and determined that I have PTSD. Yes, I have been through trauma. Yes I was diagnosed with bi-polar and clinical depression.
So, it sounds like bipolar is more likely to be your central diagnosis. I'm not saying you haven't been through trauma - not everyone who goes through trauma has PTSD.
I mean my mother has psychosis and I took a HUGE risk taking the medicine but thankfully I did not have a negative reaction towards it.
This is more the point. In your first post, you acknowledged none of the risks of this drug and all of the benefits, as you experienced them. There is possibly some correlation between the ways in which Ayuhasca has worked for people, and how MDMA is experimentally used in trauma therapy. There are theories about the uses of psilocibin, LSD, and many other drugs. You could have had a full psychotic break, given your family history; you didn't, and that's a good thing. You got a lot of positives out of the experience, that's also a good thing. I'd be curious to know how long these changes last for - whether they endure, or fade.
I had a bad feeling posting my story on this website but I guess I wanted others to be inspired to take a journey into true healing because you have to eventually face your trauma.
This was an experience that worked for you. To call it 'true healing' is excessive. On this site we value honesty - in support, in education, in research, in criticism. If you want to have a serious discussion about the after-effects you have experienced, please, do engage in that. If you want to write a travelogue in praise of psychedelics, there are other forums for that.

In the spirit of dialogue, here is a helpful (if slightly outdated) link:
http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/22/health/ayahuasca-medicine-six-things/
And here is a recent story (page in Portugese):
https://www.nexojornal.com.br/expre...ico-Anysio-e-o-chá-de-ayahuasca.-Eis-o-debate
 
Last edited:
Ayahuasca isn't a "magic drug". She is a spirit; a Goddess that is respected by many. Its' a medi...
I think what you did was both wise and very brave. It was the right thing for you. I don't think anyone else should judge you on how you used your student loans! I am hoping to retire in Ecuador in a year or two and hope to participate in an Ayahuasca ceremony...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
First off; Writing whole sentences in bold is considered yelling, in forums. The same goes with writing everything in capital letters, by the way.
Also, I'm a little blown away that you used a student loan to go do magic drugs in Peru.
By carefully rereading the quoted content, you'll recognize @Sue Tyler, that the statement of that member wasn't a judgement, but an expression of her opinion, to which she has the same right as you think you have...

As for the student loans: This is my opinion about misusing them; Student loans are not given to buy cars, drugs, ayahuasca, holiday, plastic surgery and what not. The misuse of student-loans is a serious fraud, when looking at the law. And just because obviously thousands and thousands of people find it okay to act dishonest, and commit student-loan-fraud, doesn't make their thievery lawful. I recommend to read the following:
https://whatsaysyou.wordpress.com/2011/01/29/when-somepeople-abuse-the-student-loan-system/

My personal experience with people who act untruthful is: Those who commit fraud with "no regrets" like the original poster wrote, are often dishonest in many other ways and areas of life too. As all they're interested in, is solely their own advantage, their own self-interest. And that their cheating goes at the expense of others doesn't bother them at all. That's nothing else than pure plain selfishness in my opinion. Or do you think, that the money for student-loans, just falls from the sky? And yes, if you want, take my answer as a judgement. As I highly despise such ruthless acting.

And as for the ayahuasca thing; As already mentioned, this is a PTSD forum, not a pro drug forum to praise drugs.
 
Last edited:
First off; Writing whole sentences in bold is considered yelling, in forums. The same goes with writi...
I was just expressing how a shamanic tradition helped me and my depression/PTSD. I'm still working on myself. I wasn't promoting anyone to use "drugs" either. It's not a drug but a medicine that was used for thousands of years by South Americans. Also, you need to listen to this deeply and slowly because I sense you're disgust and bit of jealously. I only used $500 of my student loans (that I paid back 3 months later) and the rest of the money I used was from my job taking care of my disabled sister who has a rare form of Arthrogryposis. She encouraged me to go and I trusted her and love her for her encouragement. She knew I needed a break (experiencing burnouts and all). This love I have, some will never experience on Earth; unconditional love. I am thankful for taking risks despite everything and plan to go back in August hopefully (already reserved a spot). I love myself enough to give the healing I need and just wanted to share my story. This world is not black and white, not everyone is going to benefit from medications and therapy, some do but there are other alternatives (holistic ones especially).
 
I think what you did was both wise and very brave. It was the right thing for you. I don't think anyon...

Thanks. Like I stated I just wanted to inspire one person..not promote drugs. Follow your heart :)


@TreeHugger What's truly a fraud is paying for your college education. In Germany there is free tuition; free college education. What's also truly a fraud is lying to the American youth and telling them that they'll have jobs easily and make lots of money when the reality is that the job market is bad and not ideal. You don't think of these things when you're a silly senior in high school. In my opinion...I was robbed...lol..I was learning about algebra when I would had benefit more learning about financial management. I blame the school system for that.

Thank God I am good with my money! Just paid my taxes, using my $1000 refund check to pay off some medical bills/debt...oh...3 years and $16,000 in savings later..a college senior getting my B.A degree...I'm doing fine and trusting my heart and taking it slow. I seek stability not success. I want my disabled sister to have a good life. I'm working hard for her.
 
Last edited:
3rd ceremony

The last one was the most intense. After recovering from my 2nd one I was ready for my 3rd. My intention was to know how to evolve as a human being, as a spirit. Everyone entered the maloka in silence. It was New Year's Eve and we could hear others celebrating that night. One man from Sweden/Switzerland (don't remember but it one of the two) looked very stressed but determined to go for it. (His last ceremony, it was too much for him). I remember we had yoga day before the ceremony and we gather in a circle telling each other positive things (to be strong, etc. etc.) and I remember being the only one crying in the group and then telling him to know that love is inside of him; giving him encouragement. I'll never forget the exchange of love. Sadly, he was the only one that quickly left before the ceremony begin...he was too terrified.

Anyways that night, the shaman lite a fire, said some prayers and we rubbed ourselves with perfumes and the ground of the Earth for protection. We all drank the medicine and was in silence. Suddenly after 20 minutes..my whole body was convulsing, slithering like a snake almost. My eyes were not mine anymore. I felt her inside of me and she spoke to a facilitator/coordinator "She'll be fine, she'll be fine" and slowly I laid down after I purged intensely. I saw black and green patterns and I was taking into darkness, drifting into this empty space. I was scared. I heard Ayahuasca said (while putting her hands on my head) "All of it, all of it out, all of it...you have to let it go Mary"...and I was nervous as heck but told myself to surrender. I was in a swirl of black and green patterns...it felt like a void. I was nothing. No personality. No ego for a moment. I heard the icaros (chants) being sang by the shaman and they were powerful. I was laughing a bit and even channeled her language. I laid down and the visions were ceasing but she was still inside.

"How can I evolve"?
"Through self love"she said.
Those words hit me like a ton a bricks. Self-love was the answer. Loving who you are. This love...we underestimate it so much. It's truly powerful. I know because when I was 18 I had an experience feeling the love of God. I know unconditional love and it was time for me to take care of myself and give myself the permission to be. Through out the ceremony I was forgiving myself, crying, caressing my cheek, telling myself "I love you". Ayahuasca also encourages m to go to the forest and to connect with her. She said she'll always be with me and loves me dearly. I had a vision of my past life as a geisha in Japan and I felt like I was speaking Japanese. Not sure why but there was a connection. I saw the image of my last life, telling my Japanese past life "I love you!" "never forget who you are". She encouraged me to move out in my own terms and to remind me that my sister is my angel. I cried intensely knowing this. I am so thankful for my sister. She inspires me to be strong everyday. I think that night I felt my ancestors and my spirit guides (Morris, Dugan and others perhaps)...they were there surprised that I did this...that I gave myself this adventure. Perhaps they were inspired. Anyways, the rest of the ceremony was intense but loving. I knew Ayahuasca was everything...the trees...the ground..the stars...everything. She is the Divine Feminine who just wants her children o know who they are. The earth is her vessel but her Essence belongs to the Divine.

I saw a vision of a snake when I went to sleep and some spiders too. The journey was amazing. Out of the whole group I was the only one that wanted to continue taking the medicine. Which I will soon. Peace.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top