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Relationship Bad Moments

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Sephira

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I'm having a bad moment. I'm frustrated and angry. He told me today, I'm a stressor, not a stress reliever. This was after I wrote him an email detailing how much I love him, how much I want to be with him,and how proud of him I am of him. I feel kind of foolish now.

He says I'm abrasive in how I ask for things. I'll change that, then it'll be my tone, or that I don't do some task correctly. Or I'm not sweet enough. If I pull away, I'm being laconic and distant. If I want to be close, I'm not giving enough space.

I feel like I'm jumping through hoop after hoop with no end in sight. That I'll never be solace for him-like it's a horizon line I'll never reach. I can't talk to him about it. It'll stress him out then he'll say I'm not happy and threaten to leave.

I know work is stressing him out now, but it's been over a month like this. He's distant and short and I miss him so much.

I'm sad and tired and feel like this whole relationship is hopeless today.

Those of you that are committed to sticking with their sufferer,how do you guys get through bad moments- times when you feel sad, lonely, depressed and tired?
 
Sometimes you realize that you that you don't have to jump through those hoops. You are choosing to do so. And sometimes you realize you deserve more than that. I say this as someone who didn't value her worth for a very very long time. Now that I'm finally getting back what I put in in something, I can tell you, you're worth more than all the hoops that are being thrown at you. Take a long look at what you are getting back, if you're getting love. If you're not, really have a think about this hard truth with PTSD, sometimes love is not enough.
 
I am the Identified Patient in my relationship, but it is my Supporter who talks like this when he is stressed out and me jumping hoops to not set him off. Whichever way I go, the opposite is what he "wants." Stress is an attack on the entire nervous system. It is hard to know what will help, with or without pre-existing conditions.

With the help of my own therapy network, I learned to stay true to myself and merely considerate of him. When I see that he is struggling, I trust him to let me know if there is anything I can do for him and keep my focus on my own problems and needs.

Gentle hugs and hopes, Sephira. I hope you don't mind a Sufferer chiming in. Commitment is not easy on either side of the equation. Sometimes ya gotta take it play by play. Hope ya get to feeling better soon.
 
Arfie, I'm very glad to have you chime in. Thank you for giving such a thoughtful and helpful response. You too, Belle.

My dearest is usually okay. He manages his stress well for the most part. He normally is quite considerate of my thoughts and feelings. This month has just been really rough. I want to tell him how his attitude and his isolating is making feel. I know though, he just can't handle hearing it now. Telling him in the state he's in won't change things for the better. He's completely focused on his own needs.

For now, I need to just take care of myself and let him be. I miss him though and his behavior is starting to wear me out.
 
Although he might have said that you "are" a stressor, what he probably actually meant is that he's experiencing your behavior that way right now. If I understand Anthony's "Stress Cup" analogy correctly, even positive things can be experienced as stress. When you told him how much you loved him, needed him, etc, YOU, no doubt meant that to be affirming and encouraging. HE may have experienced it as one more thing he needs to work to deserve or maintain.

Sometimes, I think of life as being like one of those guys in the circus, who are keeping a bunch of plates spinning on sticks. I'm working as hard as I can to keep all the plates going, I don't need one more plate, even a pretty one. Of course, you have no way of knowing what he's feeling, unless he tells you, and communication can be hard. You might ask him if there's a spinning plate or 2 you can take over watching for awhile. It might not hurt to share that last sentence with him, too. I think that's pretty good and I know it would make ME stop and think, if a "significant other" shared that thought with me. (But then, I'm not IN a relationship, so what do I know?)
 
@Sephira, if memory serves correct, he has been very mean to you now and in the past. I'm a sufferer who was in a relationship with someone with PTSD, so I speak from both sides of the fence when I say this: his excessive criticism may be meant to try and break you, down to his level. Relationships are supposed to build you up. What kind of future do you see in this relationship, for both yourself and your self-esteem?
 
Bell, in the past he's been very mean. I had to set up boundaries because he was doing things that I couldn't tolerate like being emotionally abusive and threateaned the relationship. At the same time, i began therapy for my codependence. It was getting out of control, and his actions were begining to define my self worth. I detatched from him for a time, and made him start to take responsibility for his own decisions and actions. After a month, he returned and said he would respect my boundaries and begin to contribute to the relationship as well as to meet as many of my wants and needs as he can.

This year, he has honored this agreement. I won't say when he is stressed, it's all puppies, roses, and happiness. He withdraws and he has a hard time trusting me. It sucks. He absolutely makes me jump through hoops to make sure I'm trustworthy, He isolates, he finds fault and stresses over the tiniest thing. But he is managing his PTSD better, is *finally* looking into online therapy (he lives where there are no therapists that deal with PTSD), and respects my boundaries even at his worst moments. Instead of being abusive when he's stressed, he tries to walk away.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll stay with him forever. But as long as he is committed to improving, I will. But at the same time, I need to engage in self care because I know that at this point in his life, he isn't capable at times.
 
" to make sure I'm trustworthy"

As a sufferer, I see trusting other people as something inside of me - me having the skills to recognize people I can trust and also letting down my guard enough to trust them. I don't see myself asking someone to prove to me they are trustworthy.

My therapist told me once that trust was conditional. He put it this way: "there are people that I would trust with my checkbook but not with my wife. And vice versa."

That said, what is it that he's trying to trust you with and what is it that he already trusts you with?

I think you have jumped through enough hoops. Do you have defined boundaries right now with his current behavior?

Good luck.
 
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Since we live long distance at the moment, we have designated times we speak. For a few minutes in the morning and in the afternoons and on weekends. When he is in a good place, we wants to speak to me often. When he isolates, he stays away and only speaks to me at the bare minimum. He says he doesn't trust me to not stress him out, so he stays away.

This is part and parcel of PTSD, I know. But his periods of high stress can last months and after weeks of little contact I start to feel bad. I'm the closest to him, and I know that I'll always be the first to stress him out. My relationship is the most stressful for him because he loves me very much. So when his stress cup gets full, I'm the first thing out of it.

I'd like to set boundaries during these periods of high stress but don't see how I can do so without sounding selfish. He spends part of every day with me and for hours on the weekend during good times and high stress times. I just hate it when the status quo is a lot of emotional intimacy, laughing and talking- then he gets stressed and it's suddenly down to the minimum for a while. By minimum, I don't just mean time, I mean he is short, warn out and withdrawn. I miss him and it gets lonely.

That's why I go to my T for codependency because I know that these times cause me anxiety and I need to take care of myself when he is stressed and upset.
 
and made him start to take responsibility for his own decisions and actions.

He says he doesn't trust me to not stress him out, so he stays away.
Hmmm...can you see the contradiction here @Sephira , he's blaming you for what is own responsibility - managing his stress (and which only he can do).

The word trust is coming up a lot.... do you know why he has such a trust issue which he is projecting onto you?
 
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