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Bad response to body exercise

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Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
My last three therapy sessions have been quite heavy, and I've found each week that I forget part of what we have talked about. T wanted to slow down a bit, and suggested trying an exercise to get in touch with my body. This is something I've long wanted to do, so I cautiously agreed. As she talked about noticing how my hands felt, I was internally quite defensive, wanting to use my arm to ward off T, but said nothing, expecting to discuss it afterwards.

Then she asked me to notice my breathing, and observe whether I had a preference for breathing in or out. At this stage I said firmly, No. She stopped and asked about it; I said "My life depends on breathing out". She repeated "on breathing out" and demonstrated a long out-breath, then asked what about breathing in? I said "I don't care", collected my things and left, ignoring her words "Sandstone, come back in if you can"

I wasn't angry or aggressive, simply determined not be part of this.

I am absolutely certain that breathing has no link to the past. This seems to be something my mind has manufactured to dramatise things. It supports my constant fear that I am at best exaggerating my condition.

So - what do you think was going on, and what should I have done differently to moderate my behaviour? And, am I supposed to contact T to apologise.or do I just turn up next week? She doesn't do contact between sessions, except for scheduling.
 
It may not have been anythingvyo so with breathing, depending on how I'm doing I can find sitting with myself incredibly difficult, exposing and I generally wouldn't be able to do that type of exercise in therapy. Wanting to be more in touch with your body doesn't mean it's an easy process at all.

In terms of what to do, I'd just contact her and confirm the session for next week and turn up as usual.
 
I generally wouldn't be able to do that type of exercise in therapy.

How did you find that out? I thought it would be equivalent to "Aware the body" in Tai Chi. But then I wasn't able to face Tai Chi this week either.
Maybe there is just too much going on with my body at the moment, having two current medical issues that I'd rather keep at arms length.
 
The same way you did, but not in therapy - in a training course where someone was doing the whole "attend to your body" thing. I too left about 5 minutes into it, had a panic attack and couldn't go back in the room.

I do a form of mindfulness meditation now which I can tolerate but it's taken a long time for me to be able to sit and pay attention to my own body without freaking out and I still struggle a lot. I don't think I could even yet do something like that with someone else present.

What I am realising is how much shame I have attached to just physically existing, my body and how I physically feel but just yet I'm not sure how to work on it. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those things I talk "around and about" in therapy before actually doing the work I need to.
 
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