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Bec's Mental Imagery

Discussion in 'General' started by becvan, Jan 2, 2007.

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  1. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    WARNING: If you plan on submitting your own mental imagery interview for assessment, DO NOT read the proceeding first, instead fill out your own interview first, then read these, so your current mental image is not skewed, resulting in a possible inaccurate emotional state being returned to you.

    I will be putting ALL my imagery and relevant coversations in this thread. There will be nothing held back, nor hidden in the trauma diaries concerning this. I'm going no holds barred for two reasons. A) everyone needs to see where this takes us and how it works B) hiding it isn't going to help me. I need to take big, big steps. So this is my big step. My imagery posts will follow this.

    Bec
     
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road? Each stone is grey, black, brown and white (nothing remarkable, your average stone) and smoothed out as if from a riverbed.

    Q2. What texture is the road? I am standing on a cobbled/stoned road. It is about two feet wide and goes as far as the eye can see.They are each about the size of my palm (um... 2 1/2 inches about?) and shaped just like a skipping stone yet thicker.

    Q3. How solid is the road? The road seems to be perfectly flat when you look at it, but it isn't. The stones are not set right. Each stone is sitting at a different height from the others around. The road is teacherous and very slippery. Everything around it (deep green grass, beautiful blue sky) is calm and serene looking.

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    I reach the river and it is no more than a stream.

    Q4. How do you cross the river? There is no way to cross expect to step on the sparkiling tops of baby waves. (they barely raise from the surface.. more like shiny spots on the river.) I have to step on each one, but they keep disappearing. It takes forever to cross such a little stream. Under each sparkle is an eel/parania (it looks like some vicious hybrid. Body of an eel, mouth of the parania) and I have to be careful not to fall off my sparkle as those things are waiting for me. (hell this part makes me anxious.. hope you are going to explain this afterwards...) I make it though after tiptoeing each cautious step across. The entire time my face is just floating there like some bloated dead whale.

    Q5. What does the water look like? It's a deep sparkling blue. It looks calm.

    Q6. How fast is the water current? It is still until I step on it.

    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? I look at the surface and beneath I see my face. My hair is flaming red and washing around as if it were ribbons. My eyes are very sad and there is a huge sparling tear coming down my very pale cheeks. My lips are ruby red. It's as if the colours are exaggerated. I am just beneath the surface. Beneath my surface face are the exact same stones as my road.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house? The house that appears is a small one room, clapboard house. It almost looks as if it was burnt and this is just the shadow left of what used to be there. (kinda like a ghost house.) yet I can see that once the house was a pretty brown.

    Q9. What condition is the house in? The windows are whole. It was just unused. There is a chimney that runs down the back side of the house and two windows (very small and plain ones) in the front. No door strangely enough.

    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? Both the before and after house is empty. Never had anyone there.

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup? Hmm the cup. The cup is sitting in the middle of my road. It is a beautiful gleaming gold. It is shaped like a goblet yet much larger than that. (the shape would be similar to a martini cup but with a flater, wider bottom and the cup part would be the size of my head.) All around the outside of the cup are diamond shape stones that look like rubies. They are blood red.

    Q12. What condition is the cup in? The cup is in prestine condition.

    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? The cup is filled to the brim with blood. (this makes me anxious also) The surface of the blood is smooth (almost like looking at ice) and the sun glints off the rubies and the blood.

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? Now my obstacle is a giant boulder that is the same colour and consitency as my road but it has giant, ragged edges that look very sharp. It's freaking huge (size of my car huge) yet still takes up no more space than the width of my road. (why is this entire thing like an optical illusion?) I can see around and above it, yet I can't move that way.An invisible force is making me contemplate going over it.

    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? Behind the boulder is mountains. they look the same as my boulder but much bigger and much much worse. I know that there are boulders all the way from this one to the other side of the mountains. I look at the this boulder.
     
  4. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Anthony's Reply:

    Based on your mental imagery found in this limited Road Interview, a recent problem of feeling hurt and powerless may have occurred and seem overwhelming and insurmountable. Present feelings are reinforced by hurt from the past, primarily confusion and sadness.

    Confusion persists in a personal relationship of loving someone and wondering if you will be hurt as you have been before. Feeling unappreciated, innocent and naïve, and not in control, may produce fear of a sense of loss or impending loss of self or part of self.

    The confusion widens as you value relationships to the highest degree possible and may wonder why you do not feel loved and supported by those important in your life, both past and present.

    Becs Next Obstacle:

    It's a log. It's very long going a few feet past each side of my little road. It's hollow with one large (stump hole, you know an empty branch thingy that sticks up?) bump thingy in the middle of it. It's sticking straight up at the sky and I can see the shadows inside the log where the sun doesn't touch. I can easily step over it or sit on it. It's all covered in a soft green moss and has funny red mushrooms growing out of it.

    Anthonys Reply:

    You feel a victim of life in some way. This does not necessarily imply abuse, but the conditions necessary for us to grow big and strong were not always there. If love does not exist between us and our parents, we may feel we have fallen from their love. You feel as though your life should be healthy, vigorous and growing, yet you are aware of past issues, possibly as a child, where something inside you has died. You have current excitement about an event, possibly soon, though you have secrets within, which are influencing your present pain.

    Bec, why is your log hollow? What can you tell me about the emotional image you are presenting?

    Becs Reply:

    Hmm I have no idea why the log is hollow.

    Okay the emotional image (with the log): Well this is my partner. My secrets are my fears. (I have a ton of those) I'm fearful that I'm making a mistake, that he will turn out abusive at some point or just using us, I'm afraid of his love to be truthful. It's ... pure. Something I have never experienced. It scares the hell outta me. My reaction to him scares me. I'm terrified of him coming home and terrified of him not. (nice confusion going on here eh?) I'm not sure if I'm capable of truly loving anyone. That is the part of me that died from my parents. My love. It's there, but as soon as it's supposed to come out. *poof* I start having problems. I'm scared I'm going to sabatoge this relationship because it terrifies me. I have to watch myself. Yes, I should be healthy, loving, vivacious.. and instead my parents gifted me with terror of being loved. How freaking nice is that.. It angers me (yes hurt, betrayal and frustration.)

    I am like this in all relationships, but normally I would date abusive monsters. My partner isn't like that. He's different. I know it. He is supposed to get day parole (to a halfway house) and be able to come home in June. It' almsot the same year.. hence that excitement.

    Becs Following Reply:

    I was just mulling over this diary, and this brought tears to my eyes.. so it must be important... I don't understand how he can love me. My own parents couldn't even love me. His loving me actually hurts me. It just causes me more confusion as I can understand not being loved, but not being loved. I wonder what he could possible see that he finds so enduring. I'm a loon and I know it. I'm completely different from others around me and i'm a mess. I've always struggled with this...

    Bec

    I've been constantly sniffing back tears since we started this imagry.. you must be hitting something, as crying is very rare for me...
     
  5. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Provoked memory

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by becvan [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/post6935.html#post6935"][​IMG][/DLMURL]
    • raped again at age 17, was told I asked for it


    This lovely memory was horridly triggered on Sunday night. I relived every minute of that whole week. I felt like clawing off my skin with javex and a wire brush. I'm still not on an even keel from this. I've never felt emotions like that before! Hell, I never really felt this "episode" as I stuffed it when it was happening and never reopened it again. (I'm not sure if this should be here or in the imagery thingy, as I suspect this is from that.. the emotions are not normal for me...) I have to go to work shortly, but I wanted to start this now. I will add to it as I can. This is going to be hard. I've only spoke of it once and that was Sunday night when I was hysterical and desperately trying not to fall off the wagon!

    Bec
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2015
  6. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Ack, I realize this thread is starting to be all over the place (anthony help!) I think I'm missing stuff?

    Anyways... the rape.

    I was in AA. I was living here in fort but had my sponsor in Kenora (which is a town about two hours away.) I was going through a very rough spot living with my partner (who was abusive but I didn't realize that at the time.. I had grown up with violence I thought it was normal.) My sponsor was "helping" me deal with my issues. His suggestion (he was much much older than me) was that I go on a trip with him to clear my head. I agreed. Sponsor's are supposed to know what is best for us. I was excited to go. I was supposed to be gone for one week. My partner was having fits. I didn't care. I went with him. It was summer time, bright and beautiful out. He had a car. It was big and white with the top that came down. I remember the wind blowing my hair on the trip. (It was about two days.) the first night while travelling we got a hotel room. Seperate beds. Nothing amiss. we talked about my issues and how I wanted to get high to escape etc.. Typical AA stuff. The second night we were in our destination. He got this seedy little room. That place was creepy. Reminded me of a coke house or something. The room had a single little bed. All the "tenets" there looked like creepy old men. That place scared me. I remember standing in that room, looking at the bed and the fear just started to crawl down my back. He told me "we would be sharing the bed or I could walk home." I had no money and was over 24 hours from home. I remember him on top of me. I was crying. He was short, gross and hairy and sweating all over me. He had a red beard (I still dislike beards.) I zoned out for most of it. After wards, he just rolled over and went to sleep. I got dressed and snuck out with the clothes I was wearing. I wandered that town for hours in the middle of the night. I was able to bum a cup of coffee off of some guy in the early morning hours. Then I would go and hide in an alley so he couldn't find me. I still feel that terror hiding in the dark. What would he do if he found me? Could I run away. I felt so dirty. I was a filthy person. I spent about three days hiding during the day and lurking at night, bumming coffee and smokes. I was so miserable and didn't know how to get any help. The town I was in spoke mostly french so I even had trouble with basic communication. Somehow (I don't remember how) I met up with a bar band and one of them took me in. I slept with him for three nights before the police found me. Turned out my family had reported me missing and the police had tracked me down. Filthy, degraded, broke, I was sent home on a bus. It was over 18 hours straight without stops. Longest bus ride of my life. Some nice old guy on the bus taught me how to play a card game in my hands and bought me coffee halfway here. I arrived here and my mom picked me up. We quickly got in a fight. She told me that "I knew" what he wanted and that I had left willingly so I couldn't complain about what happened. I walked out on her. She drove beside me in her car for about four blocks yelling at me to get in. I didn't even acknowledge her. I went back to my partner and he took me back. I went home and showered and returned to work. I quit AA and started doing drugs again. I shut down. I felt filthy and cheap. I felt that the only thing I was good for was sex whether I wanted it or not. I jammed this memory as far down as it could go and if it tried to resurface I'd shove it back again.

    I still feel filthy... It's like it stained my soul...

    Bec
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Bec, do you feel like raising this has helped rebuild your soul a little? I imagine it is quite painful, to say the least, especially that you have surfaced something that was dug so deep, causing you such miserable pain. This is exactly what secrets do to us, and worse with PTSD. Well done bec... very well done.

    Bec, you and I have spoken previously about the dirtiness factor associated with rape. Do you feel that this really is you now, or do you see that maybe this was your life at the time by factors outside of your control, ie. other issues that have been discussed privately?
     
  8. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    When I think about it, I feel filthy but I know it's residue from then. That is not me now. I am not defined by that anymore. When I have a flashback of it, I feel filthy in that moment. Yes, I recognize this is from the rapes and outside factors. It's just very hard to remember that when retelling this or flashbacking it. How to describe it? My past soul still has filth on it. Yeah I can see how this would feed my PTSD.

    Its very painful but I do feel better this morning for telling it. This was a big secret for me, something I hung over my head and didn't even realize. I internalized my mother's "blaming" and beat myself up with it. Reading it in black and white... I was still a child that trusted in someone I was supposed to trust. That was broken and abused. I can see that reading that. Doesn't make it any less painful but maybe I can quit hurting myself with it.

    Bec
     
  9. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    You certainly can stop hurting yourself now bec, because its out, no longer a deep dark secret hiding within you. Well done. Your logical brain can now process the emotional surroundings of this trauma, instead of it merely creating sympomatic outbreaks. One significant trauma less feeding your fears now bec... very well done. Got any more hiding? Oh, don't worry, I will find them.
     
  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Next to go is the chiropractor.. then the gun/sex thingy


    those are sitting in my brain..

    bec
     
  11. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    When I was 18, I went to see a chiropractor with my mom. She recommended him and had said he did wonders for her back. She was in the waiting room while I went into the patient room. I was told to put on a gown, which I did. He came in and closed the door. He examined my back then told me he needed to see my ribs. He told me to drop the gown, which I did (I still had my pants on but nothing else.) He procedded to "examine" me. Basically he molested my top half. God, this is giving me an anxiety attack as I speak. My throat just tightened up , I'm dizzy, I feel like I'm gonna puke. I never said one word. Not once. I knew that something wasn't right. I felt very deeply ashamed. When I started to see my chiro now, He knew he couldn't come very close to me. It took him years to be able to work on me without me freaking out. He is still cautious. I told him what had happened. I found out, from my now chiro, that the first one had molested many girls. He was never charged but he was ran outta town. I guess I wasn't the only one. I have issues with the dentist, eye doctor.. all of them from that.. I don't like them getting close and have really bad anxiety when they do get close. Well, this came blurting outta my mouth to my freind this week. It just popped out. It was there, but I didn't even realize it.

    Okay I just cut and pasted this.. but I wanted to get into the emotions thing.

    I fear going to appointments. I have bad anxiety attacks everytime someone puts me on a bed or chair to examine me.. to the point that I avoid it.. I know it's unreasonable yet there it is.. I felt really stupid when it happened.. as if I should have somehow "known" that that was his intentions.. Of course, I can't mind read.. I had no idea what to expect from that type of appointment nevermind the doctor...

    I'm not sure what this makes me feel... I know I'm very shy about my breasts.. I hide them as much as possible.. I don't like anyone touching them or oogling them.. It makes me feel that I'm being violated.. (flashbacks maybe?? hmm funny that just occured to me now) and that makes me uncomfortable.. I feel vunerable if that happens.. like china that will break..

    I think I need help digging at this.. It doesn't hurt...

    bec
     
  12. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Bec, do a current mental image and post it here. Don't look at what you did previously, just take the outline from the other thread in here and answer it to what you see now.
     
  13. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Q1. What colour is the road? The road is pitch black.
    Q2. What texture is the road? it's smooth like oil...
    Q3. How solid is the road? It's soft and squishy but only for about an inch and then it's hard underneath.

    Everything is pitch black, I can't see or make out anything.. I know I'm on the road by the feel of it...

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river?
    I walk across a creaky rope bridge made out of rope and wood planks. (think Indiana Jones style) Many of the wood planks are either broken or missing. I'm terrified of heights and cling to the ropes and try to crawl/walk as best I can.
    Q5. What does the water look like? The water is very far below (I'm up above it, ridge style) From what I can see it's pitch black.. very dark...
    Q6. How fast is the water current? I can't tell but I get the sense it's rushing..
    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? Again, It's too dark around me and in the water to see.. I have no idea.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house?
    It's a red brick house.
    Q9. What condition is the house in? The house itself is solid but all the windows are broken out.
    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? Yes, a man.. I can see his siloute through the broken windows.. there is a candle glowing inside.. Looking in it makes me anxious and I want to run by it.

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup?
    It's greyish. It is made out of stone and shaped like a lumpy bowl.
    Q12. What condition is the cup in? It looks really beat up, but doesn't have any cracks yet.
    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? Nope, it's empty like it hasn't been used in a long time.

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?
    The obstacle is nothingness. There is just nothing there. Like everything got eaten and I'm looking into a black hole. The road and landscape just stops in a jagged line and then nothing.
    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? More nothingness. There is nothing to see, everything is gone..




    *in case you are wondering.. I'm panicing about court today.. Still awake due to horrid anxiety attacks.. every three seconds i"m getting images of being killed or beat up at court..*
     
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