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Befriending Your Abuser Within Nightmares

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Kieran

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I'm not sure what this nightmares means in terms of my PTSD or abuse but I have this nightmare where the adult version of myself sits down with my abuser and watches him abuse the little version of myself, giving him a hug for doing so, afterwards. Then, my abuser, after the hug, stabs me with a screwdriver.

I realize one of the reasons and possibilities may be that I hate myself. But I feel like that the nightmare is trying to tell me something that I'm not understanding. Otherwise, I'm just not sure what the reason for the specific nightmare is. It's not like it's scary, but it's not like it's not scary. In its own way, is it telling me that he was "my enemy" when I was a child but now that I hate myself years later, I'm my own worst enemy?

Another possibility is that I've mentioned before how I'm submissive and often don't like that I can't say no, even when I realize (or not) that someone's using me.

Do any of you have nightmares in which you find yourself fond of your abuser, but otherwise loathe him or her and fear them?
 
It's not scary, but it isnt not scary? I think id say thouroughly disturbed by it.

Im just spitballing here, so if you think im wrong call me out. But i think you have some unresolved feelings about your abuser. No not love or friendship, but as if you think theres some kind of good in him, or good in the things he did to you. And as you gave him a hug, im going to guess is to comfort him, and he stabs you in the back. Since i think if you were to congratulate him, it would be more than a hug in the dream.

What i think your dream is telling you, is you think you can fix this but there is no fixing it, and youre only going to get hurt trying. I hope you dont mind me asking but Are you still in contact with your abuser? How you answer could affect the reason behind having this dream.

Maybe you should find a dream specialist, i guess theyre more common than i thought.
 
I have a recurring dream where one of my nastier coworkers, who would leave the room, rather than speak to me, would suddenly give in and be nice. The dream starts as a nightmare, but I would wake up feeling really good that we were finally getting along. Then I would come back to reality, and realize I had a shift with that abusive arse and there was no way we could ever get along.

Not hard to figure out that dream.
 
My understanding is that oftentimes victims of abuse have come from situations where their abusers are also caregivers, and so--quite naturally and understandably--feelings of affection or even love can develop within an abusive context. This seems totally natural--though it may be hard to accept.... But thinking about it, how could one not have ambivalent/ambiguous feelings toward someone who shows both signs and signals of love, may carry out acts commonly associated with caring, but who also hurts us deeply?

In a way, it could be said that every parent does this to some degree or others. The difference is ... well, I don't honestly know how to describe the difference. The point is that most abusers give mixed signals and it is totally natural and understandable that we might for this [and other] reasons harbor feelings of affection for them. This in no way mitigates what they have done. It is merely a sign of our humanity.

I wish I knew some good advice for managing these feelings. I feel sure there are many here, however, who do.
Best of luck to you.

?
 
watches him abuse the little version of myself, giving him a hug for doing so, afterwards. Then, my abuser, after the hug, stabs me with a screwdriver.
I would say that there it is mapping out a conflict of who this person is/was to you. What I have found about my trauma(s) is that there is usually a conflict that needs to be sorted out before I can deal with the issue. Was this person a caregiver to you?
 
When I got a new apartment I had a dream that my male abuser was sitting in my house on my couch when I came home from work. He told me he was my new landlord and the only way he would let me keep the place is if I let him sodomize me again so I reluctantly agreed. He did so and then he left and my adult self was naked, bleeding, and sobbing on my living room rug.
I woke up in a cold sweat. I'm a grown ass person and I had to sleep with my lamp on the rest of the night. I've had nightmares for 18 years now. I think dreams specifically about your abuser come up when you're feeling vulnrable or and unsure about something else. I've always noticed I relate personal shortcomings with what was done to me - which I try to correct because I know past trauma has nothing to do with the present. I think sometimes in periods of personal struggle, loneliness, and uncertainty your mind takes you back to your abuser because at that time they were everything. Even if they hurt you your child self at least knew they wanted you and so there's that uncomfortable loyalty there. I'm sure you even blamed yourself sometimes for "making" them hurt you. I go through this sometimes as well. I feel for you.
 
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