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Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

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Wyakin

MyPTSD Pro
I have debated starting one of these and decided that given I most often use writing as an outlet it would be beneficial to me to share my thoughts without burdening just one person with my troubles.

I wrote this as a way to explain to a friend how I felt, to give them an incite in to me. I used it in my introduction here but I feel it is also an apt way to start this diary. I am not yet ready to talk about what has happened to me but hopefully the more used to writing openly I get the more willing I will be to talk.

So here goes -

I am broken. Or at least part of me is. Part of my brain isn't working properly, it tells me to be afraid of things when I shouldn't be. The normal part of my brain knows this but it seems that at the moment the broken part is in control.

Broken brain wants to be aware of everything around it, it wants to know what that person over there is doing and what that noise was. It wants to know of all approaching potential dangers and it wants to focus on them until they are no longer a problem.

Normal brain wants to rest, it is tired of Broken brain being in control. Normal brain has been fighting for a while now and up until recently it was mostly winning (with the odd bit of territory conceded) but not any more and now Normal brain is too tired to fight back.

Meanwhile Broken brain is running riot, it can bring up things long forgotten and make Normal brain see and experience them all over again. The sound of keys in a lock, the slam of a door, the feeling of being enclosed can all be used to drag up old memories best left.

Normal brain knows that these memories are old but Broken brain relives them like they are happening right now, the smell, the sound, the pain, the fear. Even when not re-experiencing them Broken brain likes to be on alert ready to prevent more damage.

Broken brain needs to protect itself, after all there is a reason it got broken in the first place. Normal brain knows what is a danger to Broken brain but Broken brain doesn't listen, Normal brain let it down once and Broken brain will not let that happen again. Broken brain needs to be careful of everything and everyone, even the people that Normal brain has known for years and previously decided were safe, Normal brain has been wrong before.

Broken brain doesn't even stop when Normal brain sleeps, even then Broken brain is checking and rechecking for ways the creation of Broken brain could have been prevented. Normal brain knows this is a futile task but Broken brain doesn't care, Broken brain knows if it repeats the memories often enough a solution will be found and Broken brain would never have existed.

Normal brain isn't afraid of people, Normal brain wants to make eye contact and not flinch at every movement or noise, Normal brain wants to trust but Broken brain has control and Broken brain knows that no risk is worth it, if in doubt flee and if that doesn't work fight.

Normal brain has forgotten what it is like to feel anything but fear. Normal brain still manages to laugh and joke but Broken brain stops any happy feeling, fear means survival, laughter didn't get us very far last time.

Normal brain wants help, Normal brain will ask if it can get past distrustful, nervous, hyper-vigilant Broken brain to do so but for now Broken brain has all the power.
 
Thanks so much for sharing. Nicely written and so true, even for those of us who don't have PTSD, the struggle of the mind can be there. You're words give insight on what my suffererring friend may be feeling but unable to communicate. Hugs!
 
Thank you @Nera I am glad I have helped, I hope your friend feels better soon they are lucky to have a supporter in you.
 
Ditto to what you have written. But how do we teach broken brain which is just an embedded neuronal pattern that we nmust retrain. I guess I am answering my own question but I relate to you in the expression of how the oveerreaction response occurs. I cry a lotabout this bc my neighbors don't understand why when a small thing occurs I respond in a terrified and ready to fight and defend at all costs manner. It's nice to meet you.:)
tatiana
 
Nice to meet you to Tatiana. I always get so embarrassed when I over react to things and feel very guilty when I see people quelling their desire to gesture when talking in order to avoid making me flinch. I wish I could just stand still and hold a normal conversation without having to be aware of everyone and everything around me.
 
@Wyakin thank you for sharing this. In addition to the great folks on this site, I hope your diary supports you as you process. I keep a diary on here and a paper journal. I write way too much, but it does help so much.

I love the way you describe the polarization between these two parts of yourself.
 
Thank you @Hope4Now I enjoy writing and find I express myself better via written form than spoken. I tend to shut down if anyone speaks to me but hand me a pen and paper and I'll gladly write for hours. This was just something I wrote one evening when frustrated at being unable to express myself. It definitely helped my friend to start to get where I am coming from.

I don't think it is possible to write too much :) I am glad it helps you like it helps me.
 
Empty. That's how I feel. A void of nothingness where feelings should be. I think I should feel angry, betrayed but I don't.

Occasionally there is the faintest hint of sadness but it is only fleeting and soon disappears in to the hollowness that is me.

I have felt this way for a day now. Unable to link myself to my feelings. Although I cried last night, wept. A simple message from a friend, an olive branch to remind me that I am not completely alone.

I want to cry and scream. I want to fight against those that have taken my safety away. I feel like I should but when it comes to it I no longer have it in me.

So I turn back to my walls that I had so carefully started to dismantle and, for now, I will rebuild them. Perhaps I will make them stronger this time, thicker, higher or maybe I will leave a weak point where the right person might knock through to save me on the other side. Until they are up I will not know.

So the emptiness goes on.
 
I have survived the day, the first true one on my own for now. I worked hard and believe I succeeded in being all that my employers wish me to be. Normally by now a friend would have popped up to ask how I am but they are not allowed and I am not allowed to either.

Now I am home and I have made the mistake of sitting down. I am physically tired from a day spent working with the animals. I want nothing more than a break but already I can feel my mind pushing to go where I do not want it to. I must keep busy before I lose myself. My house is the cleanest it has ever been, the dogs are walked, maybe I will clean the birds out that's always a long job.
 
Up again ready to start the day. The dogs were awake at 5:30 but I convinced them to have cuddles until 6:15 when they started playing bitey face on my bed which inevitably ended up including my foot!

I realise now how much a help they are to me. They comfort me when I cry, they welcome me when I come home, they listen to all my problems and do not judge but most importantly they give me something to live for.

They all have their own burdens we are slowly getting to grips with. My collie girl who didn't even know what a house was when I found her almost a year ago. She feared everyone and everything, I know that feeling, together we have started to overcome all that now. Apart from the odd relapse when someone particularly scary comes along she is a happy well adjusted dog.

My German shepherd cross boy who does his best to seem confident with everyone when actually he is nervous and afraid from the beatings he received before I rescued him. His fear still shows sometimes but few recognise it. He trusts me now to do most things. A definite improvement from the dog who wet himself the first time I touched his collar and who used to close his eyes and cower if you moved to fast.

Then there is my little lad who was dumped at 7 weeks old. Just a pup who I could hold in the palm of my hand. He has known nothing but love since he entered my house and it shows. He is confident and outgoing, fearless when faced with new challenges and obstacles. Nothing is too high to jump on or too steep to climb, there is no reason to fear what the human is telling you because humans are good and kind. He still has his baggage though because as much as I tried to protect him the outside world still got in. An attack last year from an off lead dog sent my dog friendly, happy lad in to a mess. Months of hard work and training to rebuild his confidence around dogs larger than him (which is 90% of those we meet) and he is almost back to normal but he will never be what he once was, human negligence saw to that.

When I look at my little four legged family and realise what they have overcome with the right support they give me faith that I to can keep going especially with them at my side.

Today I will be positive, a night of nightmares and an evening of not quite feeling all there will not stop me getting on with my day. I will not allow it, after all no one is truly alone with dogs in the house.
 
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