I have debated starting one of these and decided that given I most often use writing as an outlet it would be beneficial to me to share my thoughts without burdening just one person with my troubles.
I wrote this as a way to explain to a friend how I felt, to give them an incite in to me. I used it in my introduction here but I feel it is also an apt way to start this diary. I am not yet ready to talk about what has happened to me but hopefully the more used to writing openly I get the more willing I will be to talk.
So here goes -
I am broken. Or at least part of me is. Part of my brain isn't working properly, it tells me to be afraid of things when I shouldn't be. The normal part of my brain knows this but it seems that at the moment the broken part is in control.
Broken brain wants to be aware of everything around it, it wants to know what that person over there is doing and what that noise was. It wants to know of all approaching potential dangers and it wants to focus on them until they are no longer a problem.
Normal brain wants to rest, it is tired of Broken brain being in control. Normal brain has been fighting for a while now and up until recently it was mostly winning (with the odd bit of territory conceded) but not any more and now Normal brain is too tired to fight back.
Meanwhile Broken brain is running riot, it can bring up things long forgotten and make Normal brain see and experience them all over again. The sound of keys in a lock, the slam of a door, the feeling of being enclosed can all be used to drag up old memories best left.
Normal brain knows that these memories are old but Broken brain relives them like they are happening right now, the smell, the sound, the pain, the fear. Even when not re-experiencing them Broken brain likes to be on alert ready to prevent more damage.
Broken brain needs to protect itself, after all there is a reason it got broken in the first place. Normal brain knows what is a danger to Broken brain but Broken brain doesn't listen, Normal brain let it down once and Broken brain will not let that happen again. Broken brain needs to be careful of everything and everyone, even the people that Normal brain has known for years and previously decided were safe, Normal brain has been wrong before.
Broken brain doesn't even stop when Normal brain sleeps, even then Broken brain is checking and rechecking for ways the creation of Broken brain could have been prevented. Normal brain knows this is a futile task but Broken brain doesn't care, Broken brain knows if it repeats the memories often enough a solution will be found and Broken brain would never have existed.
Normal brain isn't afraid of people, Normal brain wants to make eye contact and not flinch at every movement or noise, Normal brain wants to trust but Broken brain has control and Broken brain knows that no risk is worth it, if in doubt flee and if that doesn't work fight.
Normal brain has forgotten what it is like to feel anything but fear. Normal brain still manages to laugh and joke but Broken brain stops any happy feeling, fear means survival, laughter didn't get us very far last time.
Normal brain wants help, Normal brain will ask if it can get past distrustful, nervous, hyper-vigilant Broken brain to do so but for now Broken brain has all the power.
I wrote this as a way to explain to a friend how I felt, to give them an incite in to me. I used it in my introduction here but I feel it is also an apt way to start this diary. I am not yet ready to talk about what has happened to me but hopefully the more used to writing openly I get the more willing I will be to talk.
So here goes -
I am broken. Or at least part of me is. Part of my brain isn't working properly, it tells me to be afraid of things when I shouldn't be. The normal part of my brain knows this but it seems that at the moment the broken part is in control.
Broken brain wants to be aware of everything around it, it wants to know what that person over there is doing and what that noise was. It wants to know of all approaching potential dangers and it wants to focus on them until they are no longer a problem.
Normal brain wants to rest, it is tired of Broken brain being in control. Normal brain has been fighting for a while now and up until recently it was mostly winning (with the odd bit of territory conceded) but not any more and now Normal brain is too tired to fight back.
Meanwhile Broken brain is running riot, it can bring up things long forgotten and make Normal brain see and experience them all over again. The sound of keys in a lock, the slam of a door, the feeling of being enclosed can all be used to drag up old memories best left.
Normal brain knows that these memories are old but Broken brain relives them like they are happening right now, the smell, the sound, the pain, the fear. Even when not re-experiencing them Broken brain likes to be on alert ready to prevent more damage.
Broken brain needs to protect itself, after all there is a reason it got broken in the first place. Normal brain knows what is a danger to Broken brain but Broken brain doesn't listen, Normal brain let it down once and Broken brain will not let that happen again. Broken brain needs to be careful of everything and everyone, even the people that Normal brain has known for years and previously decided were safe, Normal brain has been wrong before.
Broken brain doesn't even stop when Normal brain sleeps, even then Broken brain is checking and rechecking for ways the creation of Broken brain could have been prevented. Normal brain knows this is a futile task but Broken brain doesn't care, Broken brain knows if it repeats the memories often enough a solution will be found and Broken brain would never have existed.
Normal brain isn't afraid of people, Normal brain wants to make eye contact and not flinch at every movement or noise, Normal brain wants to trust but Broken brain has control and Broken brain knows that no risk is worth it, if in doubt flee and if that doesn't work fight.
Normal brain has forgotten what it is like to feel anything but fear. Normal brain still manages to laugh and joke but Broken brain stops any happy feeling, fear means survival, laughter didn't get us very far last time.
Normal brain wants help, Normal brain will ask if it can get past distrustful, nervous, hyper-vigilant Broken brain to do so but for now Broken brain has all the power.