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Being thrown away sucks

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EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I've debated posting this like a million times, mainly because I feared a bunch of "you only feel this way because you have abandonment issues" responses.

Being thrown away sucks.

My dad was a big source of support in my life.

Until....one day, he simply wasn't.

He completely shut me out of his life. He blocked my number. He was simply gone without saying a word.

-----insert other events/happenings which reinforce the disappearing act and add major stress to my life which I will not mention for privacy reasons.-----

Fast forward a few months to my suicide attempt. These issues with my dad were a primary source of my distress. I had lost a major source of support and my world was spinning out of control.

In the hospital I was pretty out of it yet adamant that my dad's fiancé NOT be allowed in my room. My parents have a contentious divorce happening and I was put in the middle. Yeah, at least in my drug induced f*cked-up-ness I knew I didn't want WWIII in my hospital room. So my dad and his fiancé show up at the hospital and try to force their way into my room. FFS I just came THIS close to having a successful suicide attempt and they put this crap on me? Hail-no. The nurses got scared and called security on my dad. Yeah, you can't just force yourself into someone's hospital room. FFS I was put on one-on-one suicide watch my whole time there! The nurses told them sorry but SHE cannot enter the room (the fiancé). My dad says that if SHE cannot go in, THEY were BOTH leaving. FFS. Twist the knife in my heart just a little bit more. Hullo, dumbass, your daughter almost died and you don't even care enough to see her because the fiancé you've known all of five minutes (seriously only a slight exaggeration....they got together just after New Years, engaged in January, my hospital visit was the first weekend in April)-----is SO much more important than your daughter.

I have had to tell the drama of my life over the last 8 months a number of times to new therapists, etc. I just realized today that I always forget to include the hospital incident. It hurts too much to remember. I can forgive the other shit, but it's too much to be given this kind of treatment, to have my own dad choose to not want to see me right after a suicide attempt.

Everything is still pretty precarious right now. I couldn't handle it if my dad threw me away again. I'm not being vindictive in not wanting him in my life. I have to put myself first and acknowledge that a "sorry" isn't going to come anywhere close to fixing this.

I'm pretty fragile right now. I only ask that if you are going to chalk this up to PTSD related abandonment issues that wouldn't hurt a normal person, that you please not respond. I'm looking for support and just want to get this out there because it weighs on me heavily. Thank you.
 
Definitely agree. That sounds incredibly painful, ptsd or not. For someone you love, trust, rely on and are attached to to just disappear- that would hurt anyone. In fact, that's the kind of behavior that causes people to have abandonment issues ( if someone already had them i couldn't imagine how much more painful it would be to experience this as well.) :( Sorry this happened to you Eve. Without the ptsd lens, this is objectively horrible. His behavior is objectively shitty and reprehensible. Good on you for putting yourself first. It would take true acknowledgement and remorse on the part of your dad (and lots of time and trustworthy behavior) to repair that relationship. You don't deserve this treatment. Hope you feel a bit better.:hug:
 
I don't know if you want to hear from me at all, but I wanted to say that what you went through there was really rough.

Having someone so close turn away from you at a time when you really need support was a cruel thing to have done to you.

I am however, glad to see that your still hanging on and fighting. I hope you find some solace and help in the responses you receive.

Take care.
 
So, I totally get the need to not get the "sounds like abandonment issues" response. I feel in my life sometimes I just want acknowledgement for something sucking and not have a psychiatric label placed onto it. Sometimes that is actually helpful and other times it is kind of blaming. Like you are upset about this because you have issues, which is bs. One of my favorite things I have ever heard was from an author, in her interview she was stating how depression is misunderstood. Depression is not weakness or a dissorder, it is mourning. It is your soul mourning the grave injustice dealt to you. Your pain and suffering are not a collection of disorders or psychiatric symptoms or issues. Your pain is justified and human.

That is very cruel and messed up what your father did. It reminds me a lot of my mother's response to stay by my step dad at all costs. She is very narcissistic. My stepdad is a psychopath. My father was an alcoholic and threw me away as well. So, it seems my mother could not pick actual loving men to bring into my life. She did date a nice man who I loved for awhile, but she broke up with him because 'he did not excite her'. So, she marries my stepdad who tried to murder me a few times. They both were extremely verbally abusive to me, my step father often physically.

After having my daughter, I essentially had a nervous break down (due to hormones and bad drug reactions). I could not sleep at all and I was hallucinating. My mother brings my stepfather to my house and I yell, "Get him out of here!" She is offended and leaves. She tells me that my depression is caused essentially by my selfishness and that I should just go "take a nap". If I just stop being so rude then I would be less depressed. Two years later, I was at Christmas dinner with my mother and stepfather. My step father yells at my now 2 year old daughter because she did not look up at a picture fast enough. I decided then that I will go no contact with my psychopath stepdad. This has caused SO many problems because my mother WILL not accept it. It is HER husband and I need to see them both. I am currently in group DBT therapy and in individual therapy and taking a break from my mother.

I have struggled with suicidal thoughts immensely in the last 4 years. I have a good team of doctors that help me and care for me. But, I long to go to my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, and say, "Mom, I am suffering. I am in a lot of pain. I am having suicidal thoughts." I know she would turn her nose up in disgust and then she would tell me I am selfish.

That was totally low of him to not see you after an attempt. Your life is important and if you do not want to deal with the fiancé than he needs to get over it and see you. That is my opinion. It is just misguided and not respecting your boundaries. It sends the message that you do not matter. That his ego matters more, that her ego matters more. That is not something you need. You need unconditional love and someone to be there for you. This is abuse and it is not ok. This is not your issues at play here. This is gross negligence on your father's part. This is literal abandonment and not perceived abandonment. I am sorry if I did not say the right thing here, but this is what came to my mind.
 
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