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Relationship Being With A Survivor Of Child Sexual Abuse And Domestic Violence

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anonymous

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I am a woman who has been dating a man. I have had PTSD for most of my life. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse, severe neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and domestic violence.

I have learned only very recently that the man I have been dating is also a survivor of child sexual abuse (also by a male). I feel I should not give any more details. Like me, he made poor choices later in life with regard to relationships with women, i.e. resulting in more abuse. It is especially one incident, a very violent assault by a partner, that causes me to write this post.

For once, I would like to just express that I am hurting so very much for him having been hurt in the ways he has. If it were for me to say, he has quite a list of traumatic experiences (abuse and non-abuse). I am currently struggeling very much with that one particularly violent assault. I also do struggle with some physical assaults that could have left him severely injured or dead when he was a child. I have been crying on and off and can hardly stay awake for more than an hour or two (this has been true only for the last 24 hours). When I am awake, the pain comes washing over me.

Have you experienced a deep grieving for what your partner had to go through? How do you deal with their pain? To those of you who are survivors of abuse and supporters at the same time: Is there anything you can and want to share?

I'd appreciate any kind support.
 
I have a few things that haunt my childhood, and knowing a few bits and pieces of my ex's childhood has really bothered me. We were too new to really talk about things in that great of detail and she let me go before the time came. Now that it is over, I keep thinking of my own feelings and I assume I have some insight and understanding, but I do not truly know.

The thought of her in pain and hurting devastates me still. I worry that our happiness might have lead to some of her recent struggles, and that makes me feel guilty. That guilt also ties into my own childhood.

I have been talking about relationship loss with my close friends and family, but in reality, I keep coming back here to talk to people on this forum about the other half of this struggle I am in.
 
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Yes. My sufferer and I were both abused by police officers. I was sexually abused by a family friend in my teens and he was emotionally physically and possibly sexually abused by his father. I do not have PTSD- probably because I was not forced, just manipulated.

What happened to him was horrible, but he is also a man. Men (and many women as well) generally do not want to see you crying for them because they were hurt. They want to feel in control. sympathy yes,understanding yes, pity, no. Be careful... Strength is found in independence and accomplishment- focus on being proud of
the things he does well

Oh yeah, I would also like to add that I to have ocassional violent fantasies of stomping the mother #@&er that did this to him into the ground that get qute extensive and detailed. I feel ya.
 
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@aj1 and @Badger, thanks for posting. I felt incredibly alone when I wrote the original post and it was still two days to go till therapy. Thank goodness I have a session tomorrow. The last 12 hours were okay as long as I kept busy. Then I went downhill again... It's just that I just can't understand how anyone can ever do such things to a person. Any person. And this particular person. :cry: He's got scars... I just stroked them and just wanted to kiss them away. Naturally, they wouldn't go away.

Well, we were both crying for one another at the weekend. And for taking steps and making ourselves vulnerable. We also laughed a lot, enjoyed good times together, and found a way around various anxieties with sexual activities. I must say I've never been 100% relaxed during sex, but this time I was. He was being so kind and considerate. I could just go on crying all the time for so many reasons, one of which being the ways he's been treating me.

Strength is found in independence and accomplishment- focus on being proud of the things he does well

Absolutely. I am proud of the things he does well, very much so.

violent fantasies of stomping the mother #@&er

Thank you also for posting this. Gosh, me too!!!

Thank you for your support. It has helped tremendously. All the best to you.
 
One thing just to mention. Triggering is wierd. A week and a half ago, I texted him something about what happened to me the first time I had any contact with my 26 year old abuser. I was 12 and I was sexually aroused in the situation. The worst humiliation for any abuse victim, particularly a male, has to do with dealing with guilt and shame over their bodys response. Usually thats out of their control, but they dont always recognize this. Anyway my sufferer had such a bad dissociative episode, he was unable todrive and nearly hit 2 cars. He now has to get an EEG and an MRI and his daughter was taken away from him for the week - probably because they were worried about the driving. The episode lasted 10 hours and I havent seen him since. He and his daughter are planning on coming over tomorrow to meet my mom and carve pumpkins. In the future, I need to be more careful about how I bring these things up.
 
@Badger Thank you.

I was wondering if I could send you a private conversation. There is something I would like to not put up on here, not even anonymously. Feel free to say no. No offense.
 
Thanks, @Badger Will write. Still processing his trauma list, so to speak. Will need a bit of time, I guess.

Strength is found in independence and accomplishment- focus on being proud of the things he does well

Just reread the thread. This is such a fine line. He says he's better now at e.g. receiving compliments. Sometimes I find he puts a wall up when I express how wow I find it how he works full-time in a social setting, how he continually tries to support the kids, etc. I will still say these things though. Just like I will show him I'm moved by his experiences. It would be odd if I weren't moved, if I didn't feel for him. No pity in the room, but a deep want/wish to keep him safe.
 
Sorry to hear about that episode your man has had. Has he recovered from it? Do you know (did he tell you) it was your text that resulted in him nearly hitting two cars?
 
Sorry about that episode your man has had. Has he recovered from it? Do you know (did he tell you) it was your text that resulted in him nearly hitting two cars?

Indirectly, I think it was- our best guess it that the dissociative episode occured the night before when I sent him the text. He accidentally doubled up on the seroquel he takes at night and it interacted with his morning meds to make him over sedated. He isolates, and so yesterday was the first time I had seen him since...
 
I do not have PTSD- probably because I was not forced, just manipulated.
I don't want to disrupt this thread but have wanted to say this. I don't in any way believe it is because of this and there is no "just". I hope you don't minimise what you experienced. It is due to resilience that you don't have PTSD. Let yourself absorb that as it is a good thing.
 
so yesterday was the first time I had seen him since...

Hope he's okay...
How do you cope with him going through things?

I still haven't been able to write a PC to you... There's one thing I can hardly come to terms with. Thank god it's t tomorrow. I think I may be able to write to you after t.

My guy is going to come again in a bit over two weeks. He has a hard time identifying feelings and wants and expressing especially what he wants and needs. I have been worrying about that. How can I make sure I'm safe and he gets what he needs in terms of his response to his traumas?

Have also been thinking he may well have PTSD. Especially one symptom has clued me in. That's the one I'll contact you about. Thank you very much for accepting a PC, @Badger . :)
 
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