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Dom Violence Blame game

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dulcia

MyPTSD Pro
Had a discussion with one of my guy friends recently about all the women coming forward in the media (and otherwise) regarding sexual assault/harassment in the word place. He was defensive, saying that women assume all men are assholes, which isn't fair to the ones who aren't. I agree, but in my own experience...

A male coach crossed boundaries with me repeatedly
A male had sex with me when I was too to remember
A male smashed my car windshield with his fist
A male told me he loved me, when in reality he loved heroin more
A male berated me, insulted me, mocked me
A male threatened to slit my throat and bury me in the backyard
A male choked me until the point I thought I was going to black out
A male pulled my hair, which came out in handfuls for days
A male left bruises, bite marks, and invisible scars

And the majority of those? Weren't some random interactions with an acquaintance or stranger, but someone very very close to me.

I am recovering from leaving a DV relationship with a sufferer and I'm having to re-learn my life. I'm now allowed to answer the phone with whatever greeting I prefer, wear make-up to work if I want to, spend time with male friends, go out for a drink without worrying about violence when I get home, and finally, I do not have to worry that mine or my pets lives are in danger.

So no, not all guys are assholes. But a lot of them are, and I feel like I've earned the right to approach life with that mentality. Because yes, I chose to be around people that hurt me, but they made the choice to hurt me, and that's on them.
 
I completely agree with you. I was in a violent DV marriage for 10 years, it nearly killed me and I was terrified to leave because the guy would literally hunt me down when I did. People choose their actions for sure. I didn't ask to be abused. I now just feel like I was really unlucky in that I even met that man. And he preyed on me as a not even legal teenager, and his family helped him do it. So, I found myself stuck for several years, and it became my "normal" for a while until I realized that I deserved better than that. I'm still afraid of men to this day. If I even have the slightest thought that a person is a little off, I stay far away from them.

I am so, so glad all these women are coming forward now though. I could never speak up in my defense, I was too scared. I hope that it makes guys think twice before harming a woman.
 
So no, not all guys are assholes. But a lot of them are, and I feel like I've earned the right to approach life with that mentality.

Reverse it.

A lot of women are lying manipulative c*nts, so I've earned the right to approach life with that mentality.

It's fairly rare to come across men who openly despise women. Prove to me you're not just another lying psycho whore and then maybe I'll treat you with respect, bitch... Would get every head in the room snapped to and paying attention. And yet? I live in the city. I see the reverse of that happen a couple dozen times a day. No one blinks.

It's sexism. Pure & simple.

It's also not any different from blaming black people, if your abusers were black. Or blaming The great satan of the west (America and everyone in it deserves to die), if the US dropped bombs on you. Or blaming a pretty dress, when someone was raped. It's a defense mechanism... Looking for cause & effect... And over-generalizing in order to "protect" ourselves. Men, black people, Americans, pretty dresses? Aren't actually at fault. No matter how much safer it might feel to decide they are.

You might find these articles helpful

Primary Cognitive Distortions (negative Thinking Styles)
Negative Thinking Styles Part II: Reframing Negative Thoughts
 
Reverse it.

A lot of women are lying manipulative c*nts, so I've earned the right to approach life with...

Thank you! This is absolutely a reasonable response. I work in an ER. I see far more violent females than I do males. Women are far more likely to attack me than a man is. Even though I am in a position of authority, I have to maintain guarded composure and reduce force to ensure I am not lynched for the male on female violence. People are shocked when I have to take a violent female down even after witnessing her destructive behaviour thinking I'm going to take it indefinitely. There is considerable time delay before I react but it's gonna happen sooner than later.

I won't even get started on the continual sexual assaults and sex offerings I receive weekly in hopes that I'll turn a blind eye to let females out of secure hold observation rooms.
 
Thank you! This is absolutely a reasonable response. I work in an ER. I see far more violent femal...

And your experience is representative of society as a whole?

As a male I don't think you're exactly qualified as an authority figure on the statistics on violence in society as a whole.

Duhhhhh you are going to get more offers of sex from women!
 
And your experience is representative of society as a whole?

As a male I don't think you're exac...

I wasn't speaking for society as a whole, just offering insight that there are aspects that society truly turns a blind eye. If I were to create a dossier of charges 8 women and 2 men would be tied up in court on sexual assault and sexual harassment charges on top of the violent criminal charges in place. I chose not to pursue these specific charges because I'm in an industry where it would be supported by law but privately mocked and humiliating. Why?..... because I am a male.
 
Good point, @Friday. I'm just kind of in a defensive place and was probably a little more reactive to the conversation with my male friend due to my recent tumultuous relationship and subsequent break up.

@FragileGlass, I wasn't trying to discount female-on-male sh*t because I realize that happens too. Basically the conversation I was having was my friend saying it's not fair of me to approach all males with a "guilty until proven innocent" mindset. My thinking was that I do have the right to because that mindset is a result of my personal experiences.

In regards to racism....during the conversation, as a parallel my friend asked, "if you were cheated on by black person in college, car jacked by a black person 3 years later, and then robbed by a black person the following year, wouldn't that make you racist for not liking black people?". My response was that, in that situation, I don't think I could judge someone as racist for having assumptions reservations about black people because it was based on their own personal experiences.

It might be worth saying that I don't approach life with the "guilty until proven" or "all guys are assholes" mindset. I could get hurt by guys a thousand times over and I would probably still be the too open, too trusting, caution-less person I am now. For some reason that I am not sure of, I just felt like I earned the right to have that mindset and I felt like my male friend was trying to take that away from me. Whether that is rational or not.
 
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I think yes unfortunately sexual Harrasment by men will Always happen. But as you guys have said it happens to women too.

When I was a policewoman.. The females were the ones who were more violent than the men. I was always sent in first to break up an argument with men either in the street or in a pub... So.. However I was also harassed by my landlord years ago.. On how I could pay my rent another way!!!.. Creepy pervert... So.. Yeah I really don't know what I'm trying to say...
 
@dulcia my apologies I was responding to another poster whom has this idea that I'm just a male sympathizer without understanding that professionally I question everything in order to get a clear picture. I forgot to add their handle in my response.

I empathize with your sense of mistrust towards men and very sorry you ever had to feel this way. As @Xena mentioned in the law enforcement field we see a different side of the violence spectrum. My personal experience has been female violence towards me, whereas males tend to be more destructive to items around them, breaking things.

I am definitely an ally to anyone (females mainly) whom have suffered assaults and abuse as it comes into my ER far more often than I would like. Any person subjected to abuse or assaults have my utmost attention and dedicated protection to ensure there is safety while they are in our hospital.

I'm also seeing a major dynamic shift in who the violent offenders and emotional / physical abusers are. Same sex marriages are now becoming a new norm in relationship breakdown and showing up in my hospitals with a higher number being lesbian couples.
 
I actually. think that the degree of anti social behavior is the same for both genders, it's
just that it doesn't get acted out in the same way. Male APD is more likely to get violent, and
because of misogyny, it's also more likely to be enacted.

But in my experience, women can be every bit as vicious. It just tends to be behind
the scenes type of stuff. I think a man, who is the dedicated parent, losing his kids to
a rigged custody eval. knows suffering every bit as well as a woman who has been assaulted.
Different kinds of trauma, but both with a great deal of suffering.

I think we focus on men because of the potentiality for them committing serious bodily harm.
And the fact that there is still so much support within some groups of men for controlling
women as the lesser gender. For ex. if I asked my former husband for his itinerary or help
cleaning the garage, he'd be abusive, then go complain to his mates, who would tell him
not to take any crap from his controlling bitch of a wife. Then he'd come back worked up into a righteous anger and abuse me some more. I have to wonder how many women have been
assaulted or killed after their abusive partners have had one of those pep talks from their mates.

By the same token, would a man who is working 60 hour weeks to support his wife and children
also providing majority of childcare, be any different if he drops dead from a heart attack
from stress, grief and overwork when she manages to take custody of the kids she never seemed
interested in. Because he was left alone working crazy hours to support kids he almost never got
a chance to see. I don't know, I think it's important to remember that indirect abuse can be
every bit as devastating as direct abuse. And that abusive people come in both flavors, male
and female.
 
“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

Margaret Atwood

Google "not all men" and you will find people more articulate than I am explaining why this derails conversation. Of course, not all men are murderers but the overwhelming majority of murderers are men. Does that mean that women are incapable of murder? Of course not. But the chance of any given woman being a murderer is orders of magnitude lower than the chance of any given man being a murderer.

I saw a child safety expert once telling parents NOT to tell their children to go to a policeman or a security guard if they were lost. He said ALWAYS tell them to go to a woman. Not because women don't ever abuse children but because statistically any woman is safer than a man. Even if that man is in a position of authority.

Domestic violence is not right regardless of the gender of the perpetrator but to deny the fact that men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators of that violence is to deny the reality.
 
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The reality is that women are up to four times more likely to experience abuse in a heterosexual relationship than men. Around 85% of partner abuse is male to female, with about 10% female to male and the remaining 5% within same sex relationships of both gender. Two women a week in the UK are killed by a male partner or ex-partner, no such statistic exists for men killed by women or by people killed by same sex partners.

There's a huge degree of under reporting but interestingly enough most services say that if accurate reporting existed the figures for male victims would increase but the figures for female victims would increase at a higher rate. There's no point in pretending domestic abuse isn't a gender based issue.

Not all men are abusers, of course not, but women are significantly more likely to be abused than men in their intimate partner relationships. Around 27% of women have reported domestic abuse in their lifetime (since age 16) so even if every perpetrator was male, and every perpetrator was a different man you're talking about maybe 25% of the male population being abusive in partner relationships, so around 75% of men who don't abuse. Very very far from the "all men are arse holes" argument.

Men are still most likely to be victims of violence outside of their partner relationships and are most likely to be assaulted by other men.

It's not about blame, it is about recognising where the problem lies and providing support and education to all those involved, recognising how hard it is if you're a male victim to seek support and not demonising people.
 
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