• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Blaming Myself For So Long

Status
Not open for further replies.

Wolvescry

Confident
Ptsd. It f*cken sucks! I am sad a lot of the time, I feel like a burden. My brain just does not work the way it used too, the way I want it to. And every time I am reminded that this is because my ptsd, I am forced to remember where it came from.

Growing up I was very sheltered. My mother suffered from depression and my sister was bi-polar, my brother was the only normal one. My mom kept us in the house, we weren't allowed outside. She raised us to open minded and kind hearted. I thought that was the world, you know, that people cared about each other and never had bad intentions towards each other (even though I did deal with that in my own family, just not to such dark extents.)

The world taught me otherwise quick. Smiles in your face, but its not happy thought they are thinking. You are prey now.

You would think that when someone experience trauma that the community would come together and protect the victim. But no! its the opposite. Whispers, judgement, shame, outcast, that is the titled I earned. It is easy the feel the gripping agonizing feeling of guilt when society confirms you are the guilty one.

But the good thing is it is slowly starting to fade. The guilt I mean. My nightmares subsided too. I understand things a bit better now. I did choose to go the party, I consentually had sex with the guy I was at the time dating, I was abondoned at the party drunk with no way home, I was left with who I thought was a friend (strangers are not the only rapist.) He sat next to me, talk so kindly. Then he whispered, "you want to know what guy like?" Me thinking he was helping me get the guy I wanted who left I said yes, He placed may hand on his lower abnominal are and circled it around, I pulled my hand away and he rushed on top of me. I begged, it happened so quick. Apparently he had been doing coke, I was offered when I got to the party but did not do any drugs. I just remember pushing his arms away, but they were like brick houses.

I told one friend, and her solution was to take me back to his house without telling me a week later. He felt so bad, which just made me feel more guilt.

No more, I made mistakes that night I know, but no means no and that is that. He hurt me, I do not have to feel bad for him orr his guilt, even though to some small extent I do.

My boyfriend now, is amazing. I blamed myself for so long that I thought men could not control themselve. but he taught me otherwise. Sex was difficult at times and he was so patient.

I am kinda rambaling I know, but my state is not as stable as I would like it to be at the moment. I am fine, its just one of those days.
 
You did not deserve for this to happen to you. You are not responsible for his behavior. It is awful that the community does not support the victim, and whisper, judge, shame or any of those things, but I also know that it happens. That revictimization is about as damaging as the original victimization at times. I think it sets us up to see how unsafe people are and can scew our vision of the world. Im sorry this has happened to you, but keep reminding yourself that this is not your fault. No means no.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top