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Blank title. just like me

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Cavegirl

Confident
i need to vent. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone in my life. They’ll either think I’m... crying wolf, or just feeling sorry for myself... I don’t know. Sometimes I think my therapist doesn’t see the real me.

I’m a master at holding myself together. Correction. “Appearing” to be holding myself together. The truth is... sometimes I feel like I’m standing on a cliff. The wind is holding me back from falling off the edge. The wind. My faith in God is keeping me from falling. Not me.

I’m doing everything I can think of. I take my meds, I’ve struggled for over 6 years to find a “good fit” for me. I’m in counseling and I do everything they tell me to. I take my vitamins, eat my fruits and veggies, reach out, do yoga, get enough sleep etc.

But here I lay wishing for death.

I am tired. Tired of nightmares, tired of being unable to feel safe w others, tired of acting out, which I’ve stopped, I’m tired. I miss my miscarried baby, I miss the family I always thought I’d have, the family I nevercwill have. I’m 41, and infertile.

I finally met a man who saw me. All of me, I held nothing back from him. I love him. Like actual love. Storybook, forever love. I’ve been engaged 3 times, I have loved. But this man... this was everything. He was so good for me. I called him my cheerleader. He didn’t see me as a victim. He saw my struggles. He didn’t judge me. He admired me.

He struggles too. CPTSD.

and his ex gf moved back to town and I’m out. It’s been 4 months. I still can’t f*cking breath. I had a false positive pg test.

No I’m just... done. I’m done. Nobody wants me. Shit, I don’t want me. I’m too much work.

I did 2 rounds of progesterone to induce a period. They failed. Doc wants to do a biopsy to check for uterine cancer. I cancelled the biopsy appointment. I just don’t care.

I think it would be fitting for my traitor body to finally kill me. It feels like something inside of me is black and rotten. Something that doesn’t belong. Something put inside me when I was a child.

They killed me. My body just hasn’t caught up.

I’ll tell my counselor. But I just.. just can’t explain it. I feel like I might just be going through the motions. It’ll never get better because it can’t. They already killed me.
 
Hi @Cavegirl... I'm sorry your boyfriend did that to you..... That's were all of this pain is coming from.. It hurts... And Time Is a great healer but that doesn't stop how you feel just now.

The nightmares are awful... But so too is how much you are beating yourself up.... It doesn't help you.... You know that....

Go and get that biopsy... It will aleast let you know if anything is wrong... Which is probably won't be.. Please stop being so hard on yourself.. You have had a major setback and it hurts like hell... But it's temporary.... Big hugs
 
So sorry to read you're hurting so much.
((((((((Hugs)))))))
I had 3 miscarriages one after the other this year and last. It sucks. I don't really have any words that will fill this hurt you're going through, just ...know that ... You Are Loved ....even though it may not feel like it at the moment. We are here with you and please take care of yourself because you are worth it. Please don't give up hope. I am praying you feel the love and give it to yourself because you need lots of it right now.
 
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