Cavegirl
Confident
i need to vent. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone in my life. They’ll either think I’m... crying wolf, or just feeling sorry for myself... I don’t know. Sometimes I think my therapist doesn’t see the real me.
I’m a master at holding myself together. Correction. “Appearing” to be holding myself together. The truth is... sometimes I feel like I’m standing on a cliff. The wind is holding me back from falling off the edge. The wind. My faith in God is keeping me from falling. Not me.
I’m doing everything I can think of. I take my meds, I’ve struggled for over 6 years to find a “good fit” for me. I’m in counseling and I do everything they tell me to. I take my vitamins, eat my fruits and veggies, reach out, do yoga, get enough sleep etc.
But here I lay wishing for death.
I am tired. Tired of nightmares, tired of being unable to feel safe w others, tired of acting out, which I’ve stopped, I’m tired. I miss my miscarried baby, I miss the family I always thought I’d have, the family I nevercwill have. I’m 41, and infertile.
I finally met a man who saw me. All of me, I held nothing back from him. I love him. Like actual love. Storybook, forever love. I’ve been engaged 3 times, I have loved. But this man... this was everything. He was so good for me. I called him my cheerleader. He didn’t see me as a victim. He saw my struggles. He didn’t judge me. He admired me.
He struggles too. CPTSD.
and his ex gf moved back to town and I’m out. It’s been 4 months. I still can’t f*cking breath. I had a false positive pg test.
No I’m just... done. I’m done. Nobody wants me. Shit, I don’t want me. I’m too much work.
I did 2 rounds of progesterone to induce a period. They failed. Doc wants to do a biopsy to check for uterine cancer. I cancelled the biopsy appointment. I just don’t care.
I think it would be fitting for my traitor body to finally kill me. It feels like something inside of me is black and rotten. Something that doesn’t belong. Something put inside me when I was a child.
They killed me. My body just hasn’t caught up.
I’ll tell my counselor. But I just.. just can’t explain it. I feel like I might just be going through the motions. It’ll never get better because it can’t. They already killed me.
I’m a master at holding myself together. Correction. “Appearing” to be holding myself together. The truth is... sometimes I feel like I’m standing on a cliff. The wind is holding me back from falling off the edge. The wind. My faith in God is keeping me from falling. Not me.
I’m doing everything I can think of. I take my meds, I’ve struggled for over 6 years to find a “good fit” for me. I’m in counseling and I do everything they tell me to. I take my vitamins, eat my fruits and veggies, reach out, do yoga, get enough sleep etc.
But here I lay wishing for death.
I am tired. Tired of nightmares, tired of being unable to feel safe w others, tired of acting out, which I’ve stopped, I’m tired. I miss my miscarried baby, I miss the family I always thought I’d have, the family I nevercwill have. I’m 41, and infertile.
I finally met a man who saw me. All of me, I held nothing back from him. I love him. Like actual love. Storybook, forever love. I’ve been engaged 3 times, I have loved. But this man... this was everything. He was so good for me. I called him my cheerleader. He didn’t see me as a victim. He saw my struggles. He didn’t judge me. He admired me.
He struggles too. CPTSD.
and his ex gf moved back to town and I’m out. It’s been 4 months. I still can’t f*cking breath. I had a false positive pg test.
No I’m just... done. I’m done. Nobody wants me. Shit, I don’t want me. I’m too much work.
I did 2 rounds of progesterone to induce a period. They failed. Doc wants to do a biopsy to check for uterine cancer. I cancelled the biopsy appointment. I just don’t care.
I think it would be fitting for my traitor body to finally kill me. It feels like something inside of me is black and rotten. Something that doesn’t belong. Something put inside me when I was a child.
They killed me. My body just hasn’t caught up.
I’ll tell my counselor. But I just.. just can’t explain it. I feel like I might just be going through the motions. It’ll never get better because it can’t. They already killed me.